Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 99

Sundae · 10-25-2007, 05:45 AM

that's where the other dead baby jokes are

sikcboy · 10-25-2007, 05:38 PM

ten ways to describe a group of disabeld people

A day centre of ...

An embarrassment of ...

An inconvenience of ...

A burden of ...

A tragedy of ...

A caseload of ...

A busload of ...

A dependency of ...

A medication of ...

An abnormality of ...

sikcboy · 10-25-2007, 05:50 PM

did you hear about the six iraqi thalidomides arreseted at heathrow airport?

they were arrested for smuggling small arms.

sikcboy · 10-25-2007, 05:51 PM

Ten good things about having short arms

You don’t have to use your hands to wipe yer bum
(now that’s got you all thinking ...)

Your hands keep your boobs warm in cold weather.

Someone else always offers to carry the shopping.

You can get out of applauding (it’s a strange thing to do anyway ...)

You’ve got a good excuse for not putting up Christmas decorations.

No one ever nicks your jackets.

You never have to haggle over the arm rest in the cinema.

If you’re fighting with someone, they just hold their arm out straight to your forehead and you’re stuffed.

Handcuffs don’t reach (although this might be a disadvantage!)

You never bang your funny bone.

Ten bad things about having short arms

You can’t pull your knickers out of yer bum crack.

You can’t reach your wine glass if it’s the other side of your plate.

Holding small print at arms length to read just doesn’t work.

When cleaning the loo, you have to put your head down the pan.

People presume that someone else has to wipe your bum.

If you put something out of reach of a child, they can still reach it.

You regularly burn your nipples whilst ironing.

You can’t hail a taxi without running into the road in front of it.

Lighting fireworks at arms length is risky.

Throwing a punch at someone doesn’t do much damage.

sikcboy · 10-25-2007, 06:00 PM

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class
wankhole please... you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert
in the cuntting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just fucked your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the arse
you get shit on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I fucking wrote it!!!'

monster · 10-25-2007, 07:53 PM

I think these should be moved too.

This poster has posting nothing but this drivel. troll/attention whore, I suspect.

jester · 10-26-2007, 11:00 AM

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

jester · 10-26-2007, 11:04 AM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time
to save his frien d 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's
bik e, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he
too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his hangy-
down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out,
savin g his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a
moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To
Pick Up Chicks."

lumberjim · 10-26-2007, 05:28 PM

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

jester · 10-29-2007, 04:42 PM

How to get a Lesbian to stop smoking

Name: Smoking.jpg
Views: 407
Size: 16.1 KB

TheMercenary · 10-29-2007, 07:19 PM

"An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said Wednesday. Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.
The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement. The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said."

TheMercenary · 10-29-2007, 07:21 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbjmtMd4oY8

TheMercenary · 10-29-2007, 07:23 PM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?

sikcboy · 10-31-2007, 01:44 PM

hey dude, TheMercenary? Don't ya love military time? that joke,serving, ex service contract killer? you been to arrse?

jesus walks into an inn puts three nails down on the bar and asks,
can you put me up for the night?

Pie · 10-31-2007, 02:12 PM

Love it, Merc. I may have to tell that one around here.

10-25-2007, 05:45 AM	#1471
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	that's where the other dead baby jokes are __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-25-2007, 05:38 PM	#1472
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	ten ways to describe a group of disabeld people A day centre of ... An embarrassment of ... An inconvenience of ... A burden of ... A tragedy of ... A caseload of ... A busload of ... A dependency of ... A medication of ... An abnormality of ... Last edited by sikcboy; 10-25-2007 at 05:53 PM.

10-25-2007, 07:53 PM	#1476
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I think these should be moved too. This poster has posting nothing but this drivel. troll/attention whore, I suspect. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-26-2007, 05:28 PM	#1479
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-29-2007, 07:19 PM	#1481
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	"An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said Wednesday. Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth. The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement. The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said." __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-25-2007, 05:50 PM	#1473
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	did you hear about the six iraqi thalidomides arreseted at heathrow airport? they were arrested for smuggling small arms.

10-25-2007, 05:51 PM	#1474
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	Ten good things about having short arms You don’t have to use your hands to wipe yer bum (now that’s got you all thinking ...) Your hands keep your boobs warm in cold weather. Someone else always offers to carry the shopping. You can get out of applauding (it’s a strange thing to do anyway ...) You’ve got a good excuse for not putting up Christmas decorations. No one ever nicks your jackets. You never have to haggle over the arm rest in the cinema. If you’re fighting with someone, they just hold their arm out straight to your forehead and you’re stuffed. Handcuffs don’t reach (although this might be a disadvantage!) You never bang your funny bone. Ten bad things about having short arms You can’t pull your knickers out of yer bum crack. You can’t reach your wine glass if it’s the other side of your plate. Holding small print at arms length to read just doesn’t work. When cleaning the loo, you have to put your head down the pan. People presume that someone else has to wipe your bum. If you put something out of reach of a child, they can still reach it. You regularly burn your nipples whilst ironing. You can’t hail a taxi without running into the road in front of it. Lighting fireworks at arms length is risky. Throwing a punch at someone doesn’t do much damage.

10-25-2007, 06:00 PM	#1475
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please... you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cuntting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just fucked your daughter, and now the bitch is blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the arse you get shit on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your penis is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fucking wrote it!!!'

10-26-2007, 11:00 AM	#1477
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer : Princess Diana's death. Question : How come? Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

10-26-2007, 11:04 AM	#1478
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his frien d 's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bik e, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath he told the chicken to grab his hangy- down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, savin g his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

10-29-2007, 04:42 PM	#1480
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	How to get a Lesbian to stop smoking

10-29-2007, 07:21 PM	#1482
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbjmtMd4oY8 __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-29-2007, 07:23 PM	#1483
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action. "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." Don't ya love military time? __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-31-2007, 01:44 PM	#1484
sikcboy infectious waste case Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: mooon base alpha 5 Posts: 52	hey dude, TheMercenary? Don't ya love military time? that joke,serving, ex service contract killer? you been to arrse? jesus walks into an inn puts three nails down on the bar and asks, can you put me up for the night? __________________ do drugs fck every one up, or is it just that fcked up people take too many drugs?

10-31-2007, 02:12 PM	#1485
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Love it, Merc. I may have to tell that one around here. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

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