Can it be my turn to cry? (Long VENT. Like a novel.)

[Hoof Hearted]

Can it be my turn to cry?

I am feeling very …I don’t know… at the moment. I guess I’ll begin about 10 years ago…

10 years ago my husband’s brother was diagnosed with cancer and we flew from CA to VA to visit with him while he was undergoing chemotherapy treatment. My husband’s 40th birthday happened to occur during our visit and his older brother, wife and I made an effort to celebrate it…40th gifts, gag gifts, cake, cards and a special dinner.
His older brother passed away early the next year.

A few months after hubby’s b-day is my 30th b-day, on a Monday. The weekend immediately before my b-day, one of hubby’s other brothers was driving a vehicle to us from OR and would stay the weekend and fly home Sunday. So, I cleaned and stocked the house for his visit. Friday morning I get a call from my Sis’ bf telling me she is having emergency surgery for a burst tubal pregnancy. I called hubby at work to let him know what was going on and that I would be driving 250 miles south to be with Sis’ bf and get her situated at home when she was released. I also called our folks, who were across the country vacationing with family in MD. Luckily, they were flying home that evening anyway and were able to get an earlier flight home to also drive down to Sis’.

Sis came through surgery fine and was able to come home Saturday afternoon. Mom and I were able to clean her house, get new sheets and bath stuff to make everything “pretty” for her and we grocery shopped and cooked and froze some meals for her recovery period. I left to come home on Sunday and arrived about mid-evening.

I arrived home to a husband that was inebriated and a house that was DESTROYED. I mean every piece of silverware, dishware, coffee cup, glassware, pot, pan et cetera that could be dirty, was. And they weren’t dirty in the sink or counter. No. They were ALL OVER THE HOUSE. In addition to various guitars in the living room, dirty clothes on the floor of every room, both beds unmade, empty beer and pepsi cans left on tables, windowsills, counters, furniture and the floor. Yes, they were PIGS. Freakin’ slobs. The next day hubby would be going to work and I would wake up to that mess on my 30th b-day.

I wasn’t happy at all and if I hadn’t been so tired from the stress of the weekend worrying about my sister and having just completed a nearly 5 hour drive of 250 miles, I’d have gone to my folks’ 125 miles back the direction I had just driven. I cried, hubby felt bad and cried...but I think it was the beer because he didn’t help me clean and I don’t recall what we did to celebrate my 30th so it couldn’t have been anything special.

Fast forward 5 years to when I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that left me tired, debilitated, forced to stop working and most times confined to our home. I was able to work for about 18 months after the onset of my illness, but the attacks were becoming too severe and lengthy (up to 45 days at a time) and I had to tell my work (a job that I loved!) that I had to quit. They needed an employee who could be there dependably, and my illness was making me undependable in a job that needed to be done daily. So, now I don’t get much social interaction and I miss it.

This brings us to present times. Last summer (2005) I began seeing a new Dr, a specialist who is the head of the department, in treating illnesses like mine. She began me on steroids and chemotherapy. Blood tests were good so we doubled the chemo in the spring. During this summer (2006), we weaned off the steroids and I began to feel nauseous. The nausea was a precursor to liver problems and jaundice. I did not know anyone could feel so miserable and still be alive. It was horrible and suffice to say that I could not eat, lost about 15 pounds and had other miserable side-effects of the jaundice and could take no medications for relief because of the danger to my liver in its’ weakened state.

Earlier in late spring, hubby’s sister came to live with us from CA. She was homeless for some months previously and finally accepted our offer to stay with us, work and save her money for a fresh start for her and her children that were back in CA with their father, her ex-husband. Just as the jaundice was about to make itself known, I returned from a New England vacation with my Mother to learn that Sis-in-law’s current hubby would be flying out to join her in our home. At this time, SIL had been with us for two months and was not employed, nor had she been looking, and therefore had no money saved. I was beginning to feel annoyed with her.

I advised her that the “deal” was off. No longer could she stay as long as she liked and save her earnings. I did not feel my home was the place for her marriage to begin and that I would expect them to work, save money, get their own vehicle and get moved out and on their own ASAP.

Just a few weeks later, she was a Godsend while I was ill with jaundice. She ran the house and took care of everything. I was so weak I could barely drag myself from bed to collapse on the LR couch. I could not even shower, I almost passed out from the effort. Had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before I could dress and brush my hair to dry. Hubby began helping me bathe in the tub when he got home from work. He’d wash my hair for me because I just couldn’t hold my arms over my head to scrub my hair and brush my hair until it was dry.

When SIL’s husband arrived, he found work and was employed within three days of arriving in GA. Now it is three months later…and SIL is still not employed! I just spoke with her the other day and told her it is costing us several hundred dollars in extra utility bills and groceries each month they are in our home. Husband’s Jeep was never intended to be a year-round vehicle (it only has a bikini top, no sides/doors) and he would need his truck back for fast approaching winter so they needed to get their own vehicle.

I also baldly stated that I needed her to become employed. I didn’t care if it wasn’t what she wanted to do (business office work) but the Mall shops, Target, WalMart and the Home Improvement stores (retail) would probably hire and she could get similar hours/days as her husband so they could utilize the one vehicle available to them; ours for now, theirs when they get one.

I am also feeling a bit put-upon as it is like pulling teeth to get them to help out around here. We had a big fuss about a month ago and I stipulated that I wanted them to empty the dishwasher every morning. I load it every night before I go to bed. She has not vaccumed, swept or mopped unless I have specifically asked her to. During the Big Fuss, her husband made a comment about us treating them like “slave labor”. I admit to claiming Bro-in-law to help do some big projects around the yard…outlining things I wanted done on his days off. I must have been at fault for stating what I wanted him to do and not asking him to do these things. Now, since he made the ‘slave labor’ comment, I find it difficult for me to bring myself to ask him to do anything. …but I think I’m getting annoyed enough to get over it.

Two months ago, hubby turned 50. I was just recovering from my bout of jaundice and was still tired and weak, but I managed to organize a surprise party at a restaurant for 20 people to join us. I bought a banner to decorate our front yard, a store bought/made cake and took it to the restaurant earlier that day. Made a cake at home to keep the illusion of “nothing going on” going and bought some 50th gifts and cards. We had a great time with our friends at the restaurant.

Now we come to yesterday evening when hubby asked me what I wanted to do for my b-day. Which will be here very soon.

I acted surprised and said: “What, you mean you aren’t organizing a party for me for my 40th?” He looked at me blankly and then stated ‘When do I have time?’ Well, I reminded him how ill I was and was only just recovering when I organized HIS 50th to make it special. He said I was home all the time, he works. So I countered that he had a sister here, who was doing nothing, that could have done all his leg-work. I also reminded him about what happened for my 30th, which if the surprised look on his face was any indication, I could tell he had forgotten about.
Now, I’m going to feel like a right FOOL if he really has organized a party for Saturday night. …but I don’t think he has. He looked thunderstruck when I brought up the idea of a party for me.

So. To not make him feel bad, I just dropped it and blew it off like it was no big deal.

But it is a big deal. Which explains why I was lying in the LR with the kitties and crying for 20 minutes at 2am this morning. He ruined my 30th. He has basically blown OFF my 40th. I find that I really AM upset about it. I don’t know if he will be alive to make it up to me on my 50th. No joke. I just may kill him over this.

Dinner and a movie just isn't going to cut it. That is what we do every year for our b-days. Why couldn’t my 40th be made special like I made his 50th? Did I need to tell him I wanted a surprise party with all our friends, too? I don’t think the hurt is going to go away and I feel like I will be unable to express any enthusiasm for dinner and a movie, so why even bother…

Should I tell him how upset I am over this or just suck it up?

[bluecuracao]

Hoof, you've got quite a bit of stuff built up. I don't think it's really about your 40th, even though it seems you were counting on your husband planning a celebration to make everything better...I wish it could happen that way, but even when we do certain things for those we love, it's never a guarantee that they will do the same for us. I guess that's why they call it unconditional love, you know? But they do other things in their own way to show their love.

And some are just not as good as others at arranging special occasions. May I suggest that if you want a great event for your birthday, that you put yourself in charge of the planning? There's no harm in that! In fact, that's what I'm doing for my 40th next week. I'm not going to do a big party, but you sound like you're due for one--make it the way you want it, I say.

[Griff]

You got some good advice from blue. When I'm stressed out, I don't react to the people around me the way I normally would. Hubby may not have thought you were up for a party. *shrug* Maybe you should start looking for a cheap apartment for the relatives and try to help them into it and out of your house. I love my relatives but I wouldn't last long living with any of them. It sounds lame but try to be positive and ease them out of your home.

[yesman065]

Oh Hoof, I'm really sorry to hear that. Perhaps, he'll come through for you. If not maybe a nice hint to your/ his sis or someone else. I dunno. Some people just do not realize or appreciate how much things like this mean to others. If you really believe his heart is in the right place, then help him help you get what you want. If not - go on a nice tropical vacation - and send him the bill with a hearty "Thank You"

[morethanpretty]

I would seriously blow up at him. Well maybe not but I would atleast tell him how important it is to me and how I feel as if he doesn't show his love for me. Its important to celebrate especially during the bad times. Perhaps he is planning a surprise party and he's good at not giving himself away. Just wait and I hope you get the party you deserve.

[Hoof Hearted]

I also wanted to thank Blue for the advice given...

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

Perhaps he is planning a surprise party and he's good at not giving himself away.

He really IS very good at keeping secrets, but I feel his excuses given and tone of voice were truthfully bordering on justification and defensiveness, not hiding a secret. I'm not holding out much hope.

As to planning my own 40th...there is no time, it is tomorrow.

He does love me. I know he does. He showed it this summer by caring for me when I was so ill and couldn't wash my own hair. I think perhaps I fell into the well of expecting my husband to read my mind. I'm going to let it drop. BUT...I think I will tell him I want to go bedroom furniture shopping.
I have to make him pay in some way!

[Shawnee123]

Hoof...go for oak!

Sometimes partners can be so obtuse. But you said you know he loves you, and that is important.

I am currently leaving a relationship where I know he stopped loving me...very painful. I knew he wasn't the type to do special things for me, but I felt he loved me.

Hold on to love as long as you can. Hopefully forever. And happy 40th...I will be 42 on Sunday and I have NO IDEA how I got here!

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

He does love me. I know he does. He showed it this summer by caring for me when I was so ill and couldn't wash my own hair. I think perhaps I fell into the well of expecting my husband to read my mind. I'm going to let it drop. BUT...I think I will tell him I want to go bedroom furniture shopping.
I have to make him pay in some way!

I was trying to think of a delicate way to suggest this. I would never throw a surprise party for my wife. It simply wouldn't occur to me. Apparently it didn't occur to him. I have no idea what sort of communication you guys have in your relationship, but it sounds like there might be room for improvement. I also think letting it drop is a bad idea. I don't think you should hold it over him as leverage, but you need to let him know how you feel and what you were hoping for. Communication really is key.

And I agree with the sentiments so far that the house guests have to go. They are putting an unfair strain on your home life. Your own family should come first. This is also something you should talk with him about, and the TWO of you need to present a united front with whatever you decide together. It shouldn't be you alone blowing up. That makes you out to be the bad guy. You're not.

[Madman]

Sometimes you just have to tell us (men) what it is you REALLY want. And if it doesn't work the first time you just have to drill it into our heads. To heck with this "gee hon, I would really like you to arrange a party for my 40th birthday." No! Try: " I WANT you to give me a really GREAT 40th Birthday Party and if YOU DON'T you will have HELL TO PAY! GOT IT!!!!" Tthen add: "This is what I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME - Please and thank you!"

Good luck!

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by Madman

Sometimes you just have to tell us (men) what it is you REALLY want. And if it doesn't work the first time you just have to drill it into our heads. To heck with this "gee hon, I would really like you to arrange a party for my 40th birthday." No! Try: " I WANT you to give me a really GREAT 40th Birthday Party and if YOU DON'T you will have HELL TO PAY! GOT IT!!!!" Tthen add: "This is what I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME - Please and thank you!"

VERY good advice! I will have to make note of this... <writes note to self: TELL Hubby what to do.> Wait, he'll say I do that already!

[Griff]

Originally Posted by glatt

I was trying to think of a delicate way to suggest this. I would never throw a surprise party for my wife. It simply wouldn't occur to me. Apparently it didn't occur to him.

Pete would want to kick my a** if I hit her with a suprise party. It would tick me off if she did that to me as well so I guess we understand each other.

[glatt]

I've never been a big fan of surprise parties either. Virtually every one I've been to, the guests all know that the honoree is in the know, but we are going through the motions so the person throwing the party doesn't realize the jig is up.

[Undertoad]

Men just plain don't give a shit about the significance of particular dates.

They did a study - no, really, they did - and there is such a difference between the abilities of women and of men to remember dates, that it must be built-in somehow.

[glatt]

I believe it. My wife remembers the weirdest stuff. Like what we did a particular weekend 9 years ago, and what I wore, or where we were, or something like that. I remember things too, but don't link them up in my brain that way.

She will remember who we saw a movie with 10 years ago, but won't remember the plot of the movie we saw.

[Griff]

There's a funny commercial where a guys wife changed the house alarm code to their anniversary, that is a nightmare scenerio.