The Horrifyingly Maddening/Sad Nightmare

[Trilby]

I have this horrid dream every so often. It's been a while since I had it but I had it tonight and said fkk it, I'm just going to get up even though it's only three o'clock in the damned morning b/c I keep dreaming this same dream and it's making me NUTS.

It's a variation on a theme: I LOVED my second husband - I loved him like I was some start-struck fan and he was, oh, I don't know, David Cassidy. I had stars in my eyes the whole time we were married and I thought we were SOOOOO sympatico on virtually everything; my thoughts were his thoughts and vice versa. All that sickening rot. But he wasn't a rock star, he was my ACTUAL HUSBAND! I LOOOOOOOOOOOVED him! I really did. I was a goner.

then we got divorced (he divorced ME) and my life really fell apart. The drinking, which was already heading down a dark path, got pathological; I was in a dark, dark place all the time. I began shooting demerol. I can remember sitting in my one bedroom third floor walk up apt. (built to accomodate all those returning WWII vets) after the bliss of living with a husband I adored and my two little boys. Now I was in an apartment that didn't even have a bedroom for them - I was paying punishing child support for both boys and couldn't afford a bigger place. I was perplexed as to how I had gotten there.

I remember sitting on the couch, I was so depressed I literally couldn't MOVE, listening to the clock on the wall tick out my loneliness like a death-watch beetle. I thought my sadness would kill me. I thought it had killed me; I thought I was dead and in hell. This was '95-'96. I worked 11pm-7am at the hospital. I was so lonely.

Now, every once in a while, I'll have a dream about him; a dream in which he abandons me/betrays me again. This time he lured me to NYC, a place I didn't know and he did, and flaunted his gf in front of me and laughed in my face at my pain and I was crying/furious/punching his and her face in that ineffective dream way where no punch lands.

I said screw it. I'm up. I HATE this dream. I HATE this strange nocturnal reminder of that horrible time. I don't even really like him anymore; he's turned into such a controlling douche bag - but when we were married he was a happy-go-lucky DeadHead.
He's remarried, of fucking course.

thanks for listening. I'll go take some Valium now.

:crying: (but not really- just for dramatic effect)

[Clodfobble]

Sorry Tril, that sucks.

[Undertoad]

Fuck that dude, even David Cassidy turned out to be a douche once the music stopped.

But this is great: you got up and exorcised that dream, now you are out of your own head and you are much, much better. It is an analogy for life. The dream is not where you really are, or really have been for a long time. That's why you could wake up and stop it.

Like exorcising dad, you are removing the punishments that you don't deserve in your life. That's why your best times are ahead. Flush that old shit down the drain, you are not that person any longer.

[Spexxvet]

I just can't imagine wanting to divorce you, Bri.

[jimhelm]

In the dream, do you recognize that you're unhappy to be with him, or is it just apparent once you wake up?

I still have dreams that include her, and I'm in some kind of trouble for doing or saying the wrong thing. It's a ...heavy... feeling in the dream, and I feel very liberated once I wake up and realize that she is no longer the boss of me.

so, I think this is my subconscious adjusting to my new reality. Does that apply in any way to your dream? Are you being shown that you were, in fact, NOT happy when you were with him?

[Trilby]

thanks, all. And that's very funny, Spexx, but really nice, too. I was a drinker (a hard one) but so was he - he just never felt any consequences from it and I did and that made him mad. And he was a daily toker when we were married but I think he's quit that (job-related pressure) and his true, anxiety ridden personality came out then AFTER the divorce, so I think that's a big reason he's changed into his true douche-self. Though, he still drinks and taverns are his abode of choice. (to be honest, I could live in a tavern myself. Tavern wench is my true calling)

I was the drinking buddy of his dreams, just not the wife/mother of his dreams though to be fair, I worked full time AND had the two little boys AND all the housewifey stuff while he 1)played darts every Sat. night on a league; 2) played on FIVE softballs teams and 3) played in a pool league. and went to Dead shows whenever he could whether I could go with him or not. so. Not much help at home as taking 1 and 2 year olds to taverns and boozy softball games is NOT really something a Good Mother does. Oh, yeah - I was also in nursing school. I think I was in a manic phase for a good part of my twenties.

In my dream I am jealous and angry that he has tossed me aside to be with this other woman. The woman is not the wife he has now (I rather like her, to be truthful) but she's a VERSION of a woman he wants which is NOT me. He is laughing at my tears and tantrums. He abandons me in a bar in NYC and I don't know how to get out - how to leave or where to go. I"m lost and when I find him and her finally, they laugh at me. THEY DON'T WANT ME. GO AWAY! So when I wake up, I feel sad and headachy and like I need a drink.

TMI? sorry. I'm channeling tw.

[Sundae]

Oh sweetheart it's tough, isn't it?
I dream about a couple of my exes on a regular basis. One of whom isn't even really an ex, just my first BF from when I was 11. He pops up in what I assume are anxiety dreams about missed opportunities (which is silly as he went to prison).

I think your dream is based on fear. Perhaps fear of simply not being good enough. It hurts, but it is only a prick (ha) from your sub-conscious. Mine have involved famous people making fun of me. Not "celebrities", people whose work I really respect. Even that hurt like buggery, but at least it didn't involve people I once loved.

My most emotionally disturbing dream has me back with my ex-husband. I've already left him once (true) and we're trying again, but I know I have to leave and don't know how I can put everyone through it again. For a long time after waking I have the sensation that we really did try to make another go of it. But in my case this is based on another relationshop, where I tried again with an ex and broke his heart again (teen romance) and my attempt to go back into education at 18 and having to admit it wasn't for me.

Tease it out, strand by strand. It might help to know where it comes from.

[Trilby]

I've thought about it. I think it stems from me calling him the other day about an issue about our son. I hadn't spoken to him for a long, looooong time; after the children grow up, the ex really becomes a ghost figure in your life.

When the boys were small or teens, we had a lot of communication due to bringing them up. Now that the boys are on their own - there is NOTHING to connect us.

Ghostly. I'm angry at a ghost.

Well, it IS Halloween weather.