Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 123

BrianR · 05-04-2008, 11:05 PM

> A father watched his young daughter playing in the
> garden. He smiled as He reflected on how sweet and
> pure his little girl was. Tears formed in His eyes
> as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
> Suddenly she just Stopped and stared at the ground.
> He went over to her to see what work Of God had
> captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
> at two Spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two
> spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her
> father replied. 'What do you call the spider on
> top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her
> father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy
> Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart
> soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
> question he Replied 'No dear. Both of them are
> Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little
> puzzled, thought for a moment, then Took her foot
> and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not
> having any Of that broke-back mountain s**t in our
> garden!'

classicman · 05-07-2008, 02:44 PM

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent!" We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're lying!!!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it.

classicman · 05-08-2008, 09:19 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and/or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

BrianR · 05-08-2008, 02:33 PM

"Next Life"
by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old
people's home feeling
better every day. You get kicked out for being too
healthy, go collect your
pension, and then when you start work, you get a
gold watch and a party on your
first day. You work for 40 years until you're young
enough to enjoy your
retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are
generally promiscuous, then you are
ready for high school. You then go to primary
school, you become a kid, you
play. You have no responsibilities, you become a
baby until you are born. And
then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa-like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap, larger
quarters every day and then
Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

xoxoxoBruce · 05-11-2008, 01:38 AM

Comments made in the year 1955…

“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.”

“Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.”

“If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”

“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

“If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”

“When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage”

“Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”

“I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it.

“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”

“I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”

“It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”

“It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

“Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywoodstars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”

“I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

“Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.”

“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

“There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omahaanymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”

“No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

“If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.”

Radar · 05-11-2008, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

“Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”

Baseball players were already making more than the President by the 1930's. Some reporters asked Babe Ruth why he feels he should make more money than the President and he said...

"What the hell has Hoover got to do with it? Besides, I had a better year than he did."

footfootfoot · 05-11-2008, 07:56 PM

Warning: Home made joke and very bad pun ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

Long before he was an IT ninja, Big V long to go to sea and sail the ocean blue. Despite hours of practice and miles of rope, his knot tying was so poor that cub scouts would taunt him when their den mothers' backs were turned.

Frustrated at his lack of skill with knots and rope, yet still yearning for the sea and a connection to it, he turned his hand to ship building. After a lengthy apprenticeship he launched his first ship which promptly sank in puget sound.

Two old codgers watched as Big V walked away from the boat launch, downcast and determined to forget the ocean forever.

"Good Morning." one of them said.
"Go to hell!" was V's reply.

"What's eatin' him?" one codger asked the other.
"Don't mind him, his Barque is worse than his bight."

Madman · 05-12-2008, 10:34 AM

Yoooooooo!!! Though I'd drop in and clutter up the forum with some innane humour!!!

ENJOY!!!

Link is below this line for those that need a map.

Baby Boomer's at Retirement

xoxoxoBruce · 05-12-2008, 10:53 AM

Love it? I live it! Thanks Madman.

Cloud · 05-12-2008, 01:03 PM

Bible assault!

http://www.chumfm. com/MorningShow/ FunFiles/ FunFilesDetails. asp?ArticleID= 72

Cloud · 05-12-2008, 03:21 PM

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"
>
> "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
> "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
> marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside

> them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
> search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open
> every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
> leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>
> "Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd...Did the Sheriff come?"
>
> "Yeah!"
>
>
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
>
> "Yep!"
>
>
> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
>
> (Rednecks know how to git-'ER-dun).

binky · 05-12-2008, 05:32 PM

classicman · 05-13-2008, 12:15 AM

Very good Cloud!

spudcon · 05-14-2008, 09:26 AM

Three guys, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker were sitting in a bar, discussing wedding anniversaries.

The lawyer says " I'm buying my wife diamond necklace and a BMW. That way, if she doesn't like the necklace, she'll still see how much I love her."

The doctor, sipping his scotch says "I'm buying my wife a cruise around the world, and a new house. If she doesn't like the cruise, the new house will demonstrate how deeply I love her."

The biker puts down his beer and says "I'm getting my wife a new t-shirt and a dildo.
Then, if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself."

HungLikeJesus · 05-14-2008, 12:02 PM

I just got this by e-mail and I thought it was worth sharing.

One of the joys of being an educator
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

05-04-2008, 11:05 PM	#1831
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	> A father watched his young daughter playing in the > garden. He smiled as He reflected on how sweet and > pure his little girl was. Tears formed in His eyes > as he thought about her seeing the wonders. > Suddenly she just Stopped and stared at the ground. > He went over to her to see what work Of God had > captured her attention. He noticed she was looking > at two Spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two > spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her > father replied. 'What do you call the spider on > top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her > father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy > Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart > soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent > question he Replied 'No dear. Both of them are > Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little > puzzled, thought for a moment, then Took her foot > and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not > having any Of that broke-back mountain s**t in our > garden!' __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-07-2008, 02:44 PM	#1832
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent!" We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're lying!!!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-08-2008, 09:19 AM	#1833
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and/or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-08-2008, 02:33 PM	#1834
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	my next life "Next Life" by Woody Allen In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

05-11-2008, 01:38 AM	#1835
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Comments made in the year 1955… “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.” “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.” “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?” “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.” “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage” “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.” “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either “hell” or “damn” in it. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.” “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.” “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.” “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.” “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.” “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywoodstars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.” “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.” “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.” “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.” “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omahaanymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.” “No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.” “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.” __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-11-2008, 07:56 PM	#1837
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Warning: Home made joke and very bad pun ahead. Proceed at your own risk. Long before he was an IT ninja, Big V long to go to sea and sail the ocean blue. Despite hours of practice and miles of rope, his knot tying was so poor that cub scouts would taunt him when their den mothers' backs were turned. Frustrated at his lack of skill with knots and rope, yet still yearning for the sea and a connection to it, he turned his hand to ship building. After a lengthy apprenticeship he launched his first ship which promptly sank in puget sound. Two old codgers watched as Big V walked away from the boat launch, downcast and determined to forget the ocean forever. "Good Morning." one of them said. "Go to hell!" was V's reply. "What's eatin' him?" one codger asked the other. "Don't mind him, his Barque is worse than his bight." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

05-12-2008, 10:34 AM	#1838
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Yoooooooo!!! Though I'd drop in and clutter up the forum with some innane humour!!! ENJOY!!! Link is below this line for those that need a map. Baby Boomer's at Retirement

05-12-2008, 10:53 AM	#1839
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Love it? I live it! Thanks Madman. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-12-2008, 01:03 PM	#1840
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Bible assault! http://www.chumfm. com/MorningShow/ FunFiles/ FunFilesDetails. asp?ArticleID= 72 __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

05-12-2008, 03:21 PM	#1841
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD" > > "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" > > "Yes. What can I do for you?" > > "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' > marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside > them logs, but he's hidin' it there." > > "Thank you very much for the call, sir." > > The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They > search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open > every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and > leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. > > "Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd...Did the Sheriff come?" > > "Yeah!" > > > "Did they chop your firewood?" > > "Yep!" > > > "Happy Birthday, buddy!" > > > (Rednecks know how to git-'ER-dun). __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

05-12-2008, 05:32 PM	#1842
binky all hollowed out Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ridgecrest, CA Posts: 982	__________________ The meanest Mom EVER!!!!

05-13-2008, 12:15 AM	#1843
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Very good Cloud! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

05-14-2008, 09:26 AM	#1844
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	Three guys, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker were sitting in a bar, discussing wedding anniversaries. The lawyer says " I'm buying my wife diamond necklace and a BMW. That way, if she doesn't like the necklace, she'll still see how much I love her." The doctor, sipping his scotch says "I'm buying my wife a cruise around the world, and a new house. If she doesn't like the cruise, the new house will demonstrate how deeply I love her." The biker puts down his beer and says "I'm getting my wife a new t-shirt and a dildo. Then, if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself."

05-14-2008, 12:02 PM	#1845
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	I just got this by e-mail and I thought it was worth sharing. One of the joys of being an educator Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph. 13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

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