Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 166

classicman · 01-21-2009, 10:03 AM

(Part 2 of 2)

The reply the teacher received the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

jester · 01-21-2009, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

(Part 2 of 2)

The reply the teacher received the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

*snort*
that's just not right!

jester · 01-21-2009, 10:07 AM

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning She told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still
there.

Shawnee123 · 01-21-2009, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning She told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still
there.

SteveDallas · 01-21-2009, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Always check your child's homework (Part 1 of 2)

Reminds me of a Steve Dallas classic. (I don't recall any feedback from the teacher.)

lookout123 · 01-21-2009, 01:22 PM

now that is funny sleeve.

jester · 01-22-2009, 08:04 AM

Husband says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I
Am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second
For a fucking change."

jester · 01-22-2009, 08:06 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'

jester · 01-22-2009, 08:07 AM

Good manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'Michael
said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you,
little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...

Crimson Ghost · 01-22-2009, 11:10 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, Ill pay by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account".

"I know", said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend"!

Crimson Ghost · 01-22-2009, 11:12 PM

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

jester · 01-23-2009, 03:07 PM

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

jester · 01-23-2009, 03:10 PM

A man walks
>> into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>> The waitress asks them for their
>> orders.
>>
>> The
>> man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
>> the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
>>
>> 'I'll
>> have the same,' says the ostrich.
>>
>> A
>> short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
>> will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
>> and pulls out the exact change for
>> payment.
>>
>> The next day, the man and the
>> ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries
>> and a coke.'
>>
>> The ostrich says, 'I'll have the
>> same.'
>>
>> Again the man reaches into his
>> pocket and pays with exact change.
>>
>> This
>> becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
>> asks the waitress.
>>
>> 'No, this is Friday night,
>> so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says
>> the man.
>>
>> 'Same,' says the
>> ostrich.
>>
>> Shortly the waitress brings the
>> order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
>>
>> Once
>> again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
>> places it on the table.
>>
>> The waitress
>> cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
>> sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
>> change in your pocket every time?'
>>
>> 'Well,'
>> says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
>> and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
>> and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
>> that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
>> my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would alwaysbe there.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'That's brilliant!'
>> says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
>> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
>> want for as long as you live!'
>>
>> 'That's
>> right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
>> exact money is always there,' says the
>> man..
>>
>> The waitress asks, 'What's with the
>> ostrich?'
>>

>> The
>> man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
>> tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
>> everything I say.'
>

skysidhe · 01-24-2009, 12:14 PM

xoxoxoBruce · 01-25-2009, 04:16 PM

Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul, but they planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.

About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by another motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."

01-21-2009, 10:03 AM	#2476
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	(Part 2 of 2) The reply the teacher received the next day: Dear Mrs. Jones, I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. Sincerely, Mrs. Smith __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-21-2009, 01:22 PM	#2481
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	now that is funny sleeve. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

01-22-2009, 11:10 PM	#2485
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, Ill pay by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account". "I know", said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend"! __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

01-22-2009, 11:12 PM	#2486
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?" The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away". The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

01-25-2009, 04:16 PM	#2490
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul, but they planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by another motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-21-2009, 10:07 AM	#2478
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning She told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

01-22-2009, 08:04 AM	#2482
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Husband says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I Am going to wear a gold one." Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second For a fucking change."

01-22-2009, 08:06 AM	#2483
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.' So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.' 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck. 'That's right,' replies the barman. 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?' 'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies. 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck. 'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!'

01-22-2009, 08:07 AM	#2484
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	Good manners A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted...

01-23-2009, 03:07 PM	#2487
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

01-23-2009, 03:10 PM	#2488
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A man walks >> into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. >> The waitress asks them for their >> orders. >> >> The >> man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to >> the ostrich, 'What's yours?' >> >> 'I'll >> have the same,' says the ostrich. >> >> A >> short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That >> will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket >> and pulls out the exact change for >> payment. >> >> The next day, the man and the >> ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries >> and a coke.' >> >> The ostrich says, 'I'll have the >> same.' >> >> Again the man reaches into his >> pocket and pays with exact change. >> >> This >> becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' >> asks the waitress. >> >> 'No, this is Friday night, >> so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says >> the man. >> >> 'Same,' says the >> ostrich. >> >> Shortly the waitress brings the >> order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' >> >> Once >> again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and >> places it on the table. >> >> The waitress >> cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, >> sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact >> change in your pocket every time?' >> >> 'Well,' >> says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic >> and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared >> and offered me two wishes. My first wish was >> that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put >> my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would alwaysbe there.' >> >> >> >> >> 'That's brilliant!' >> says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million >> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you >> want for as long as you live!' >> >> 'That's >> right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the >> exact money is always there,' says the >> man.. >> >> The waitress asks, 'What's with the >> ostrich?' >> >> The >> man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a >> tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with >> everything I say.' >

01-24-2009, 12:14 PM	#2489
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

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