The relationship dance

orthodoc · 07-24-2013, 09:07 PM

... the whole approach/back off thing ...

If a woman responds to interest positively, she is immediately taken for granted or patronized. If she backs off or grows cold, the same man comes running, pulling out all the romantic stops. As soon as she responds, he pulls away. So she must learn to be cold and aloof, while offering some faint hope of future positive interaction - even if her nature is to be warm and giving.

From my reading, I gather this is to be expected. Men don't react well to a warm, giving female. Women have to be cold and perpetually play the game, apparently.

I am a very late bloomer and seemingly slow learner. However, even I am capable of learning after being bludgeoned with two-by-fours a few times. I just don't like the required lessons. But I can learn and pass the exam. That seems to be what's required, when all's said and done.

Perry Winkle · 07-24-2013, 09:53 PM

Not all relationships are governed by games. Mine isn't and I wouldn't be a part of one that is.

Sometimes dysfunction develops in the interactions between two people, you get caught in some negative feedback loops and have to work through them.

Don't take your experience and project it as normalcy or something that is preordained.

My wife and I both run hot and cold at some times. It's a natural ebbing and flowing of moods. Sometimes it's irritating because it seems like we get stuck in counter-cyclical periods. There's nothing machiavellian going on there.

I don't know what my point is. I guess I am just curious about what you're reading or seeing in culture that makes you think this sort of exploitative and defensive interpersonal calculus expected.

Undertoad · 07-24-2013, 09:56 PM

This Perry guy is often wise.

Perry Winkle · 07-24-2013, 10:19 PM

I know nothing.

orthodoc · 07-24-2013, 10:32 PM

I can only speak from my experience. If I have ever been interested in a guy or demonstrated caring, my 'warmth' and 'caring - it defines you' - were clearly a joke and I was humiliated. The only times I've been treated well, or pursued, were when I either had resolved not to see someone again or had resolved to depart.

Running hot and cold could be an explanation. I'll think about it.

sexobon · 07-24-2013, 11:06 PM

When you relationship dance, do you do the two time ... I mean the two step!!!?

orthodoc · 07-24-2013, 11:17 PM

Never. But waltz and tango don't seem enough.

limey · 07-25-2013, 01:39 AM

I'm with Perry on this one. I don't do game playing and wouldn't stay in a relationship that involves it. I can't see how a relationship can survive unless those in it say what they are actually feeling rather than trying to second guess the other person or sneakily manipulate them in some way. Doesn't necessarily mean that it is always comfortable, but to me it's the only workable approach.
Sent by thought transference

DanaC · 07-25-2013, 07:11 AM

Certainly not my experience of men or relationships. That's not to say my relationships have been trouble-free or even entirely game free...but nothing like you describe.

Maybe you're attracted to the wrong kind of man.

glatt · 07-25-2013, 07:41 AM

I also don't play games. In fact, towards the beginning of our relationship, my wife and I talked about how some people play games and we weren't going to do that. It was so freaking refreshing.

Clodfobble · 07-25-2013, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Maybe you're attracted to the wrong ~~kind of~~ man.

Because let's be honest, this isn't about 50 different guys in a bar. This is about one relationship that has had its turmoil in the past.

It's also possible to reframe the experience of what you're describing--when I'm upset, my husband makes an extra effort to comfort me or cheer me up. I would be less thrilled if he treated me exactly the same no matter how I was feeling, as this would indicate that he was either unobservant or uncaring about my moods. Of course if the pendulum swings between complete dimissal and false worship, there is still a larger problem to be addressed.

footfootfoot · 08-01-2013, 08:07 AM

Haven't got the CPU to play games and navigate my life. My mom makes Machiavelli seem as transparent as a three year old. I am revolted by games. My soon to be ex never played games, despite being CBSI, but she was pretty much an ice princess 24/7.

Looking for someone who is by nature warm, affectionate, and giving.

Sense of humor a must. Wealthy nymphomaniac liquor store owner a plus, but not req'd.

BigV · 08-01-2013, 09:17 AM

....

Pls send picture of boat

DanaC · 08-01-2013, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

....

Pls send picture of boat

Well, I've never heard it called that before!

BigV · 08-01-2013, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

Well, I've never heard it called that before!

Today must be your lucky day!

07-24-2013, 09:07 PM	#1
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	The relationship dance ... the whole approach/back off thing ... If a woman responds to interest positively, she is immediately taken for granted or patronized. If she backs off or grows cold, the same man comes running, pulling out all the romantic stops. As soon as she responds, he pulls away. So she must learn to be cold and aloof, while offering some faint hope of future positive interaction - even if her nature is to be warm and giving. From my reading, I gather this is to be expected. Men don't react well to a warm, giving female. Women have to be cold and perpetually play the game, apparently. I am a very late bloomer and seemingly slow learner. However, even I am capable of learning after being bludgeoned with two-by-fours a few times. I just don't like the required lessons. But I can learn and pass the exam. That seems to be what's required, when all's said and done. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

07-24-2013, 10:32 PM	#5
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	I can only speak from my experience. If I have ever been interested in a guy or demonstrated caring, my 'warmth' and 'caring - it defines you' - were clearly a joke and I was humiliated. The only times I've been treated well, or pursued, were when I either had resolved not to see someone again or had resolved to depart. Running hot and cold could be an explanation. I'll think about it. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

07-24-2013, 11:17 PM	#7
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Never. But waltz and tango don't seem enough. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi Last edited by orthodoc; 07-24-2013 at 11:22 PM.

07-25-2013, 01:39 AM	#8
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	I'm with Perry on this one. I don't do game playing and wouldn't stay in a relationship that involves it. I can't see how a relationship can survive unless those in it say what they are actually feeling rather than trying to second guess the other person or sneakily manipulate them in some way. Doesn't necessarily mean that it is always comfortable, but to me it's the only workable approach. Sent by thought transference __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

08-01-2013, 08:07 AM	#12
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Haven't got the CPU to play games and navigate my life. My mom makes Machiavelli seem as transparent as a three year old. I am revolted by games. My soon to be ex never played games, despite being CBSI, but she was pretty much an ice princess 24/7. Looking for someone who is by nature warm, affectionate, and giving. Sense of humor a must. Wealthy nymphomaniac liquor store owner a plus, but not req'd. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

07-24-2013, 09:53 PM	#2
Perry Winkle Esnohplad Semaj Ton Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 2,259	Not all relationships are governed by games. Mine isn't and I wouldn't be a part of one that is. Sometimes dysfunction develops in the interactions between two people, you get caught in some negative feedback loops and have to work through them. Don't take your experience and project it as normalcy or something that is preordained. My wife and I both run hot and cold at some times. It's a natural ebbing and flowing of moods. Sometimes it's irritating because it seems like we get stuck in counter-cyclical periods. There's nothing machiavellian going on there. I don't know what my point is. I guess I am just curious about what you're reading or seeing in culture that makes you think this sort of exploitative and defensive interpersonal calculus expected.

07-24-2013, 09:56 PM	#3
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	This Perry guy is often wise.

07-24-2013, 10:19 PM	#4
Perry Winkle Esnohplad Semaj Ton Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 2,259	I know nothing.

07-24-2013, 11:06 PM	#6
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	When you relationship dance, do you do the two time ... I mean the two step!!!?

07-25-2013, 07:41 AM	#10
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	I also don't play games. In fact, towards the beginning of our relationship, my wife and I talked about how some people play games and we weren't going to do that. It was so freaking refreshing.

08-01-2013, 09:17 AM	#13
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	.... Pls send picture of boat __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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