Is it over?

[Iggy]

Oh my...

I just now read this, and it makes me sad, discusted, and pissed all at the same time. What was his reason for this? Because honestly... I think any reason he could possibly give you is bullshit and you should leave him anyway. I have dated two men who cheated on me. One fessed up to it and I stayed with him (wasting my time and only hurting myself more), and the other hid it from me (very well I might add). I can promise you that if I had known* for ONE SECOND that the second man was cheating, he would have been gone so fast his head would have spun. Men cheating is probably the worst betrayl any man could do.

I can give you hope though... in my current relationship, I know he isn't cheating. We have a very open relationship and if he wants to do things with another person we discuss it. We have had two threesomes in our 3 year 8 month relatinship. I trust him with all of me, and we will get married someday. Money is one of the main reasons we aren't engaged right now. I knew him for a couple years before we got together, and I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I trust him so much. I saw him in another relationship and I knew he didn't cheat on her. With my other relationships I always wondered if they were cheating, but I didn't have the proof and like the dumb person I was I let it go.

Sorry... I tend to ramble when I get pissed. But I think you get the picture. It is only going to get worse, and you should cut your losses. The first man that cheated on me and was honest about it, just ended up hurting me in other ways and doing it again and lying about it. Since he had been honest once about his unfaithfulness, I believed him when he told me he hadn't done it since. This man will only suck you dry. Leave him. NOW.

*I should point out that I was pretty sure he was cheating, but since I didn't have proof and all his friends told me he wasn't I decided I didn't know what I was talking about and I should just forget about it. I thought I was being paranoid because the other serious relationship included him cheating on me. I should also add that his friends were the ones who confirmed his cheating status (yes, the same ones who swore that he was faithful and loved me) AFTER the relationship ended. Since they were his friends he made them promise to never tell me what they knew, so they only felt safe telling me when they knew it wasn't going to get back to him. And I was pretty sure he was anyway.

[anonymousfornow]

I am here to give you guys an update. reread this thread and get some tlc.

When I began this thread, I called him on the carpet. forgave him, made a commitment to myself to trust, let it go and move on, everything has been spectacular and Friday he made a mistake and was caught again (now we are almost 2 years into it).

He has never stopped reaching out to women through personal ads. I dont know how many he has seen or what he has actually done. I knew this was a risk when i found out the first time, but I truly believed that the prospect of losing me scared him straight. I also believe that he loves me, and cannot imagine his life without me. We spend 6.5 days a week together. We maintain two homes in different counties and stay at one during the week and the other one on the weekend.

We even had conversation a month ago about our commitment to each other and building a life together so I could hear for myself that we were on the same page.

What hurts the most is I do not know why he does this. We have open lines of communication, a great sex life, etc.

I would like to hear from men on this. I am deeply in love and truly at a loss, why do some men do this? It is the sharpest pain I have ever felt. Help me understand.

I do not think I have done anything wrong, I do not think this is my fault, so this is not a self esteem problem for me. I am just deeply wounded and even more confused.

[Cloud]

You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum.

and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time.

[anonymousfornow]

Originally Posted by Cloud

You KNOW what you should do. Kick his ass out and stop wasting your emotional coin on this scum.

and, while I applaud your forgiving heart and your courage--you SHOULD have done it the first time.

Intellectually I know what I need to do, but amazingly enough, I don't want to. I think that is the sickest component of the whole situation.

[Cloud]

you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help.

[anonymousfornow]

Originally Posted by Cloud

you're addicted, then, just like he is to his netsex. When you hit rock bottom, get professional help.

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

[Cloud]

Nope, I bet not. More like like tough love.

[Nightsong]

As a man, I cant tell you exactly why. Perhaps because some of us can't control our base nature? That to is actually an excuse. The best answer is because we want to and because women let us get away with it. Hell I have know women that are the same way. I've been the other man a few times.
Dearheart the only real advice I can offer is unfortunatly close to what the others have said. Unless your willing to continue in a relationship where he goes and does whoever he likes while you just turn a blind eye then mayhaps you need a relationship with someone who won't. Or even just some time to be you. It is even harder when the relationship is otherwise a good one. That makes it so much harder to demand what you need out of this.

The unfortunate truth is that this is not apperantly just a thrill fling for him but an on going thing. You keep asking yourself I am sure, "What did I do or not do?" I know this will sound a little callus but it has nothing to do with you. In all the experience I have had like this where the relationship was good other than the cheating it usually involved the other partnet simply not being willing to be satisfied with what they have. Be it just because they were curious or even just because they were selfish and only cared about their own satisfaction.

Often it is not a lack in you, but them. I am myself guilty of this. I am married to a wonderful woman. She is more than willing to do anything I want, both sexually and in terms of our life together. Yet I still find that I let my beastial nature take the front seat.

The difference is that my wife knows about my extra marital games. We have both had lovers since our marriage. The lovers rarely last but she and I do. I have to say though were she to say that it had to be only her I would comply. I love her and it is not worth a quick thrill to lose her.

The real problem for you is not just the outside sex. It is also the lying. You have to wonder if he lied about this, am I missing something else? Ofcourse there is also the fact if he did it before he'll do it again, just as you have learned.

With great tenderness I say, He might be what you want but the relationship is not. You need to be somewhere else that suits you better.

For your sake.

He will keep using you if you let him. There are still decent men out there. Not all of them are old pervs like me. Unfortunaly I will admitt I have known too many like the man you describe and they always piss me off because usually they are hurting very sweet people.

With hopes that you find solace in the well wishes of other:

My the prophets guide you to the right path.

[Beestie]

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Then you came here for the wrong reason. TLC is not what you need at the moment. You need to gut-check yourself and either throw your shit in a box and leave or throw your sorry-ass boyfriend's shit in a box and tell him to leave.

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

This doesn't feel like the TLC I came here for

Dang, girl you and me both. I haven't read the original post from 2006 but...

My original expedition to the Cellar that's what I expected in my posts about my girlfriend. TLC. Little did I know I would be ravaged and slashed for my own relationship problems that would eventually lead to my own hostility at this place. But after enough backlash I realized "they" might have a point and I got my own "gut check" and am happy for the insight. I was my own problem.

Me and my girl are coming close to the closest we've ever been, not because of the Dwellars, but because I found the answers within myself; but the Dwellar responses sure did support my responsibility to search for it.

It doesn't look like TLC on the surface, but it sure is stuff you'll want to read. Ok, maybe not WANT to read at the time, but you SHOULD read it over time.

[piercehawkeye45]

The best advice will not tell you the answer, but show you the path where you can find it within yourself.

[anonymousfornow]

Originally Posted by Nightsong

As a man, I cant tell you exactly why. Perhaps because some of us can't control our base nature? That to is actually an excuse. The best answer is because we want to and because women let us get away with it. Hell I have know women that are the same way. I've been the other man a few times.
Dearheart the only real advice I can offer is unfortunatly close to what the others have said. Unless your willing to continue in a relationship where he goes and does whoever he likes while you just turn a blind eye then mayhaps you need a relationship with someone who won't. Or even just some time to be you. It is even harder when the relationship is otherwise a good one. That makes it so much harder to demand what you need out of this.

The unfortunate truth is that this is not apperantly just a thrill fling for him but an on going thing. You keep asking yourself I am sure, "What did I do or not do?" I know this will sound a little callus but it has nothing to do with you. In all the experience I have had like this where the relationship was good other than the cheating it usually involved the other partnet simply not being willing to be satisfied with what they have. Be it just because they were curious or even just because they were selfish and only cared about their own satisfaction.

Often it is not a lack in you, but them. I am myself guilty of this. I am married to a wonderful woman. She is more than willing to do anything I want, both sexually and in terms of our life together. Yet I still find that I let my beastial nature take the front seat.

The difference is that my wife knows about my extra marital games. We have both had lovers since our marriage. The lovers rarely last but she and I do. I have to say though were she to say that it had to be only her I would comply. I love her and it is not worth a quick thrill to lose her.

The real problem for you is not just the outside sex. It is also the lying. You have to wonder if he lied about this, am I missing something else? Ofcourse there is also the fact if he did it before he'll do it again, just as you have learned.

With great tenderness I say, He might be what you want but the relationship is not. You need to be somewhere else that suits you better.

For your sake.

He will keep using you if you let him. There are still decent men out there. Not all of them are old pervs like me. Unfortunaly I will admitt I have known too many like the man you describe and they always piss me off because usually they are hurting very sweet people.

With hopes that you find solace in the well wishes of other:

My the prophets guide you to the right path.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. I believe on some level that humans are not wired to be monogamous, it is a conscience decision. I also believe that controlling our urges is part of what differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

I am not going to change him, but I can change myself. I asked him about the possibility of having an open relationship and seeing how that might work for us. BUT I should be afforded the same right.

You can't keep me and not keep me!

I do not fear being single. I fear this person no longer being part of my life in some capacity.

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by piercehawkeye45

The best advice will not tell you the answer, but show you the path where you can find it within yourself.

Get something original pierce

[piercehawkeye45]

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

Get something original pierce

Don't call me out Fresh or someones going to get hurt real bad.

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by piercehawkeye45

Don't call me out Fresh or someones going to get hurt real bad.

Like I'm scared of some Gopher.