Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 117

monster · 03-15-2008, 07:16 PM

I think you'll soon feel right at home here.....

total loss · 03-15-2008, 10:46 PM

Hi Monster, i'll stay here for as long as you are accepting me

Goodnite, oh wait, you must have sleeping by now- sweet dream then!
Loss.

skysidhe · 03-16-2008, 04:42 PM

Freeze, You're Arrested!
One Monster.com member remembers an interview that was a bust:

Toward the end of my interview with a Fortune 100 company, the interviewer offered me the job. Before I could say anything, the police and the fire marshal came into the office and arrested the interviewer. On the way out the door, he turned and said, "I hope this doesn't sour you on working for the company.

The Accidental Salesperson sees the bright side: At least there's one less person you have to climb over on your way to the top.

A Christmas Story

Monster.com member Melinda1260 recalls this holiday story:

Sales were great the week before Christmas, and everyone was caught up in wrapping gifts. Glancing up, I spotted a shoplifter at work. She could not see me, and I knew I couldn't prosecute if I lost eye contact with the thief. Everyone at the counter started laughing at the poorly wrapped package. The thief looked my way and started running. I yelled, "Stop, thief!" She turned around and asked if I was talking to her. I described every item she had taken. After retrieving more than $400 worth of merchandise, I went back to the counter where the customer was waiting for his badly wrapped package. He said, "I will take my package just like it is. It will make a good story when we open the presents.

The Accidental Salesperson replies: That's a wrap.

monster · 03-17-2008, 12:01 AM

Ummm.... they weren't actually very funny. But maybe I'm just pissed because monster.com got more famous than I did.....

xoxoxoBruce · 03-18-2008, 01:56 AM

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner

WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin

Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London

I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco

xoxoxoBruce · 03-18-2008, 10:41 PM

Why do sharks live in saltwater?

Pepperwater makes them sneeze.

Flint · 03-19-2008, 02:37 PM

A manager is told he is going to have to lay one of his employees off, and he has it narrowed down to two choices, either Elaine or Jack. The day comes, and he still can’t decide, so he tells himself he’ll just fire the first one who takes a drink out of the water fountain outside his door.

Along comes Elaine, still hung over from a night out on the town, and takes a drink out of the water fountain. The manager comes out and says “Elaine, I’m sorry to tell you, I’m going to have to either lay you or Jack off…” and she says “Well, the way I feel this morning, you may as well just jack off.”

classicman · 03-19-2008, 03:33 PM

(Via email)

Quote:

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank
Everyone for coming, many from Long distances, to support them
At their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
His new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation He said he wanted to give everyone A special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to Everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of the bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
Hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
For a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
To his bride and said, 'F--- you too!'

He turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here!'

He had the marriage annulled in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
Charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--trashing the bride's and best man's reputations In front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of Church bells.

BigV · 03-19-2008, 03:33 PM

What did the blond say when she saw a banana peel on the sidewalk ahead of her?

"Oh no, not again!!"

Radar · 03-19-2008, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

(Via email)

Actually I heard this happened at the Church, and he pasted the photos under the pews. He went through with the ceremony until he was asked "Do you take..." and he said, "No, and if you want to know why, look under your seat". Then he said "Fuck You" to each, and told her parents they had raised a slut and said, "I'm outta here" and left.

He wanted to make sure her parents were mad at her because they had to pay for the wedding and because she had embarrassed them.

Flint · 03-19-2008, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

(Via email)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

Actually I heard...

The Snopes page for this urban legend.

Shawnee123 · 03-19-2008, 03:56 PM

That reminds me of the one about the stagecoach that turned down the wrong path to the General Store...

monster · 03-19-2008, 03:58 PM

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/sex...ercard_wed.htm

eta, jeeze I must've taken a long time to hit post on this one -flint and classicman posted meanwhile!

Radar · 03-19-2008, 03:59 PM

I figured it was fake. I just heard it a different way.

Flint · 03-19-2008, 04:02 PM

No. You believed it.

03-15-2008, 07:16 PM	#1741
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I think you'll soon feel right at home here..... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-17-2008, 12:01 AM	#1744
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Ummm.... they weren't actually very funny. But maybe I'm just pissed because monster.com got more famous than I did..... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-18-2008, 01:56 AM	#1745
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	LETTERS TO THE EDITOR I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. --Charles Turner WHY don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. --Stu Bray What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. --T Potter Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. --Christina Martin Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. --Tommo, Hull I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --Paul Mulraney, Belfast On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --T Barnham, London I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I wonder how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam. --Franco __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-18-2008, 10:41 PM	#1746
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Why do sharks live in saltwater? Pepperwater makes them sneeze. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-19-2008, 02:37 PM	#1747
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	let's see if I can do this right... A manager is told he is going to have to lay one of his employees off, and he has it narrowed down to two choices, either Elaine or Jack. The day comes, and he still can’t decide, so he tells himself he’ll just fire the first one who takes a drink out of the water fountain outside his door. Along comes Elaine, still hung over from a night out on the town, and takes a drink out of the water fountain. The manager comes out and says “Elaine, I’m sorry to tell you, I’m going to have to either lay you or Jack off…” and she says “Well, the way I feel this morning, you may as well just jack off.” __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

03-15-2008, 10:46 PM	#1742
total loss Alphabetarian Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 12	Hi Monster, i'll stay here for as long as you are accepting me Goodnite, oh wait, you must have sleeping by now- sweet dream then! Loss.

03-16-2008, 04:42 PM	#1743
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Freeze, You're Arrested! One Monster.com member remembers an interview that was a bust: Toward the end of my interview with a Fortune 100 company, the interviewer offered me the job. Before I could say anything, the police and the fire marshal came into the office and arrested the interviewer. On the way out the door, he turned and said, "I hope this doesn't sour you on working for the company. The Accidental Salesperson sees the bright side: At least there's one less person you have to climb over on your way to the top. A Christmas Story Monster.com member Melinda1260 recalls this holiday story: Sales were great the week before Christmas, and everyone was caught up in wrapping gifts. Glancing up, I spotted a shoplifter at work. She could not see me, and I knew I couldn't prosecute if I lost eye contact with the thief. Everyone at the counter started laughing at the poorly wrapped package. The thief looked my way and started running. I yelled, "Stop, thief!" She turned around and asked if I was talking to her. I described every item she had taken. After retrieving more than $400 worth of merchandise, I went back to the counter where the customer was waiting for his badly wrapped package. He said, "I will take my package just like it is. It will make a good story when we open the presents. The Accidental Salesperson replies: That's a wrap.

03-19-2008, 03:33 PM	#1749
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	What did the blond say when she saw a banana peel on the sidewalk ahead of her? "Oh no, not again!!" __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

03-19-2008, 03:56 PM	#1752
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	That reminds me of the one about the stagecoach that turned down the wrong path to the General Store... __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-19-2008, 03:58 PM	#1753
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/sex...ercard_wed.htm eta, jeeze I must've taken a long time to hit post on this one -flint and classicman posted meanwhile! __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

03-19-2008, 03:59 PM	#1754
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I figured it was fake. I just heard it a different way. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

03-19-2008, 04:02 PM	#1755
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	No. You believed it. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

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