Crossing the line

[gamine]

Hello all,

I'm really stymied and a little miffed at my fiance's friend, but don't know if I'm overreacting and really need an objective opinion! Can anyone offer one?

My fiance (we'll call him "Mike" owns a business and about 8 months ago I left my career to work with him. He is out of the country and asked me to check his e-mail since I am taking care of the business in his absence. An e-mail came in from a married friend of his (we'll call him "Bob") advising that one of his female friends would be calling to seek advice about her new business, since it is similar to his line of work, and that she was a friend of the family, her son being friends with Bob's son. Then he goes on to say:

"She is an attractive blond single mother about 40. Her son is friends with my John. They lived down the street from us until about 4 years ago.
She is struggling a bit being husbandless, but she is very bright and
quick on the uptake, as they say. I think she's got a lot of balls. Please be nice to her."

This is where I kind of lose it. Why is it necessary to mention that she's an attractive single blond? And that she's struggling being husbandless?

Absent that intro I would have no problem. But I feel like Bob crossed the line. Now Bob has been married for a while, has kids and is a college friend of my fiance, Mike. However, Bob was incommunicado with my fiance for about 15 or 20 years while my fiance was single because Bob's wife didn't want Bob hanging out with a single, party guy (my fiance, Mike)! Now, they are friends again, and I believe Mike is trustworthy, but I felt particularly uncomfortable with Bob's "presentation" of his female friend. Plus my guy Mike is a big softie, and very empathic towards anyone in need.

How should I interpret this whole situation? Perhaps Bob is just trying to be nice to his female friend, but should that be at my expense? Shouldn't he understand the dynamic that he has just created? Especially in light of what he went through with his wife.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

And, thanks!

Gamine

[Elspode]

Ummm...men are pigs, and so, to us, physical descriptions of women, including their state of matedness, are relevant in any situation.

We suck, but we can't help ourselves.

[Aliantha]

G'day Gamine, and welcome to the cellar!

If you trust your fiance, I'd say you don't have anything to worry about. The way I read it as an outsider is suggesting that the woman might be a bit of a ditz and may need a bit of guidance outside the usual. Maybe since you're involved with the business now it'd be nice for you to make contact with this woman and offer her your assistance as a woman? Show her that it's not that hard and give her some confidence.

After that, go see Bob and tell him not to be such a chauvanist in future.

[breakingnews]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

The way I read it as an outsider is suggesting that the woman might be a bit of a ditz and may need a bit of guidance outside the usual.

It's not even this complicated! (You women think too much!!)

Bob is making it known to your fiance that this woman is good looking, hot, a total MILF, whatever you want to call it. You have nothing to be worried about - it's just what guys do. Checking out girls is probably a topranking pastime for most.

[DucksNuts]

Hey and Welcome Gamine,

I wouldnt get my hackles up about that, as 'spode pointed out...men do shit like that, all the time, everyday ...I see it, but I do work with a bunch of pigs

I would be interested to see some of the other females opinion though, I tend to be reallly laid back about these kinds of things.

[WabUfvot5]

Just the way guys are, like some before have mentioned.

[footfootfoot]

You're totally in the clear re: your fiance and his friend. Nothing to worry about since he DID NOT SAY ...and she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

As other have pointed out, it just what guys do, we're programmed that way. The same way little babies are like kryptonite to chics.

[footfootfoot]

I'm having a shortage of s's up there

[Hoof Hearted]

I'm sorry, but I don't see where he crossed any line. Except perhaps, for one that you may have drawn in the sand of your values...

I think it is just a guy giving as accurate description of a woman to another guy. If you trust your guy, no problems. This was HIS email and not yours. Perhaps Bob would have worded it differently if he knew you were reading them, perhaps not. It may just be how he saw and described the situation as accurately as he could.

Overall, I think the problem is yours and you should not pursue it.
Nothing good could come of it because I feel it would make you look insecure. Insecure over a description, no less. It doesn't matter how you try to justify yourself, you'll come out looking bad if you try to confront anyone about this.
Pick your battles. This isn't one of them.

Keep in mind, that this could also be a subtle warning to your finace; that if she is man-hunting he will be prepared to defer any advances yet remain polite while giving her advice.
hh

[Elspode]

It might be germaine to ask you this, ma'am: Do you have any reason to believe there's anything unprofessional/immoral afoot? It has been my experience that, with a few radical exceptions, most bad vibes about such situations as you mention here have some sort of root in past experiences.

[gamine]

So I've been popping in and out of this discussion thread reading all your responses to my post and feeling, alternately, relief (whew, it's no big deal), surprise (wow, I guess there's a certain amount of male talk that seems like it means something but really means nothing), and sheepishness (okay, so I have had a twinge or two of insecurity).

Originally Posted by Elspode

It might be germaine to ask you this, ma'am: Do you have any reason to believe there's anything unprofessional/immoral afoot? It has been my experience that, with a few radical exceptions, most bad vibes about such situations as you mention here have some sort of root in past experiences.

Very insightful. I agree. No - there is no reason for me to think anything suspicious is going on aside from the e-mail itself. I can see where there is the strong possibility that I am bringing more of my past history into my interpretation of the e-mail than the situation warrants. Although it was a long time ago, I once was in a serious relationship where the guy I was with cheated on me and had multiple relationships with other women without my knowledge. So, I would say my radar is probably up a little bit more than the average individual based on that experience.

Thanks, everyone for your input! And I won't sweat this one too much.

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by gamine

This is where I kind of lose it. Why is it necessary to mention that she's an attractive single blond? And that she's struggling being husbandless?

He probably listed every single thing he knew about her.

[CaliforniaMama]

Sorry to disappoint y'all, but guys aren't the only ones who think along these lines . . .

Good friend of hubby's, a whole lot younger (I'm the same age as his mom, okay?), but my, oh my, EYE CANDY!!

He's played my chauffeur a few times and all my mom friends are left panting.

There is a whole lot of nudge, nudge, wink, wink, does he like older women???? (I know a LOT of single moms.)

When he was talking about joining an online dating service, I offered to oil his body down and photograph it ~ SCANDALOUS!!

He politely declined.

So, I say it's all part and parcel of being "of gender!"

[wolf]

Given that "Bob" didn't describe the lady as "needing to get laid" or "completely willing to bang you in trade for business advice," I don't think there are any hidden messages, unless you know that "Mike" is an untrustworthy dog.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Elspode

It might be germaine to ask you this, ma'am: Do you have any reason to believe there's anything unprofessional/immoral afoot?

I resent your accusations Elspode, and you implicating me in this whole fiasco. You are on notice.