A little bit about me

infinite monkey · 10-31-2012, 12:09 PM

I was chased by 17 snakes down a hill as I was riding in a 500 mile skateboard race when I lived in Nebarkanaconnectyork, where I was also governor and 1st lady of the Supreme Circuit Court.

Oh, and I also sang back-up to the Supreme's back-up.

I've lived through 23 earthquakes, 90 tornadoes, 2 tsunamis, 61 hurricanes, a drought, and a couple of major sports leagues strikes. Once I became the All-sport Commissioner I put a stop to all that nonsense.

When I wrote my best-selling novel "What It Is And Why That's Wrong" in 1908, I had no idea the road this country would take. Luckily, my follow-up book "You Really Suck Stupid" was able to look back with 20/20 vision and apply it to the future.

I once sat on a park bench that Audrey Hepburn had sat upon and subsequently I was able to recite her lines from Breakfast At Tiffany's, verbatim, and also I was blind for a while and had to Wait Until Dark.

All of these things have made me the expert® I am today, and I can look at anything or anyone and not only be able to tell you what is wrong with them or it, but I can tell you exactly what should be happening to fix them or it.

I pity the fools who haven't taken advantage of the many opportunities for success that pass them by EVERY SINGLE DAY. I pity them, but I don't like them. They can do it if they just put their minds to it.

I own hotels and restaurants all over the world. However, you probably can't afford to frequent any of them.

I am the be-all end-all human being extraordinaire, and if you would just LISTEN to what I have to say you wouldn't suck so bad and the world would be OK again. But you're too selfish for that, aren't you?

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.

SamIam · 10-31-2012, 01:11 PM

Other people in the world are simply accessories who show off my perfect wonderfulness by being as stupid and worthless as they are. Only my needs and wants count and my needs and wants are countless. I have never lowered myself to shop in any sort of store with the hoi polloi - the staff of Tiffany's brings over the entire store for me to browse through while I have breakfast in my 1,000,000 sqare mile morning mansion which is paved with tiles and art removed from the Sistine Chapel. My diet consists mostly of nearly extinct birds and other critters freshly harvested from the Amazon Rain Forest and flown to my kitchens on the space shuttle.

I haven't written a book about my life because - well - everyone should just know how extadorniary I am because its obvious to even the lowest cretin out there blaming the government because he dropped a 40 foot fig tree he was trying to plant in my world class botanic garden. The tree landed on his toe and the ER had to give him an aspirin - these people are always on the take - you know?

IM would be my best friend if anybody actually deserved to be my friend, but since no one does, she isn't. However, we get together on alternate Thursdays and take turns with Ricardo the Cabana Boy who also provides us with pharmaceutical quality cocaine.

I don't why all you peons whine so much. Look what I've had to overcome with the fig tree and those Tiffany people, but do I complain? No, I overcome. I even sent a can of generic sliced beets to those idiots in New Jersey who didn't even know enough to get out of that rain shower.

Gravdigr · 10-31-2012, 03:43 PM

I rock.

'Nuff said.

Happy Monkey · 10-31-2012, 04:01 PM

This little bit about me is an exerpt from a byte in a sentence about me: 1

Trilby · 10-31-2012, 04:03 PM

Wow. You guys are lucky!

I'm a poor, freezing-to-death little match-girl selling what few matches I can on the snowy corner of Doom and EndBadly Street here in Porpeeplehedforeshire, England. Me little brother had all his golden locks shorn off as not to get coal in his hair while he sweeps the chimney's of them that gots homes and warmth and food and all the things we don't. Sometimes we sneak off to the old farmer's wintry, hard, dry field to pry an old warty turnip from the ground and we feast upon it (we simmer it in hot water-mum left me an olde cauldron 'afore she died of the fever and cough) we have to go down to the icy fen - barefoot! - to get the water to make the winter turnip soup. Sometimes we're lucky enough to find an old cow turd to chew for after.

I admit it- I'm a sinner as I've been so hot and thirsty in the summertime that I've gone into the holy church just to drink the holy water there for the good and rich people to poke their hand in and bless themselves (they've been blessed a LOT in my view).

I'm 8 years old now and uncle says it's time for me to move my "cherry ass" into a brothel to make some proper money so's he can drink more ale-I think I'll just sit here and freeze to death, slowly, beautifully, like a snow angel made of crystal ice and then someone will write my story and cry crocodile tears for me. At this point I'll take whatever I can get.

jimhelm · 10-31-2012, 08:39 PM

Women talk a lot

infinite monkey · 11-01-2012, 10:11 AM

You all rock, for sure!

This is one of my favorite things about the Cellar: starting some free association fun to write thread and seeing what people come up with. Story mode or one sentence...all perfect!

SamIam · 11-01-2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimhelm

Women talk a lot

Wow! A post from the elusive Jim Helm aka BiglargeMcHuge aka LJ aka etc.. Jim is even more reclusive than Howard Huges was . Quick! Everyone bookmak this rare comment for prosterity!

And you babble mouth ladies just leave this thread alone. Maybe if we are very patient and wait several more years, Jim may feel confident enough to make another post here again. Cock!

(I DO love pulling your tail, Jim!)

~sent from behind enemy lines on a shortwave radio that I learned to build by reading the US Marine Escape, Evasion, and Survival Manual~

JBKlyde · 11-01-2012, 12:06 PM

liar liar nuts on fire... oh wait your a girl... liar liar nipple quagmire..

infinite monkey · 11-01-2012, 12:27 PM

jimhelm · 11-01-2012, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamIam

Wow! A post from the elusive Jim Helm aka BiglargeMcHuge aka LJ aka etc.. Jim is even more reclusive than Howard Huges was . Quick! Everyone bookmak this rare comment for prosterity!

And you babble mouth ladies just leave this thread alone. Maybe if we are very patient and wait several more years, Jim may feel confident enough to make another post here again. Cock!

(I DO love pulling your tail, Jim!)

~sent from behind enemy lines on a shortwave radio that I learned to build by reading the US Marine Escape, Evasion, and Survival Manual~

talkie talkie talk.... mouth moving, words coming out.... talkie talktalk

infinite monkey · 11-01-2012, 02:00 PM

The only thing worse than a yappin' woman is a yappin' man.

Yap yap yap...shut uppa yo face!

And I've known me some yappin' men. *shudders* So I can see how yappin' women would get annoying.

I don't yap in real life. Yapping here is merely typing.

Trilby · 11-01-2012, 02:50 PM

I had no idea Jim had a tail.

The deal is off, Jim.

Griff · 11-10-2012, 09:52 AM

I play in a band, we're the best in the land
We're big in both Chelsea and France
I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar
There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance
So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty
These other gals mean nothing to me
Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night
'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see

[Chorus:]
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown
in the trousers, she kissed me
And I only bought her one round

I can bench press a car, I'm an ex football star
with degrees from both Harvard and Yale
Girls just can't keep up, I'm a real love machine
I've had far better sex while in jail
I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour
I cook the world's best duck flambe
I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me
I don't need these lines to get laid

[Chorus]

I'm a man of the night, a real ladies delight
See my figure was chiseled from stone
One more for the gal then I'll escort her home
Come last call, I'm never alone
I've a house on the hill with a red water bed
That puts Hugh Heffnor's mansion to shame
With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars
I'm just here in this dump for the game

[Chorus x2]

Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shitting?

I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright
I'm definitely not chiseled from stone
I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire
I'll probably die cold and alone

But just give me a chance, 'cause deep down inside
I swear I got a big heart of gold
I'm a monogamous man, no more one night stands
Come on, honey, let me take you home

[Chorus x4]

Sundae · 11-10-2012, 02:22 PM

I live by the sea.
I gaze upon the fading dark and slowly buckle at the knees.
I don't have anything you'd want to steal, well; nothing you can touch.

Magnets and words up on the fridge speak to the poet in all of us.
I know where the sun goes, I have seen the world turning.
Three days till I get to you. I'll be late if I ever get through.

Some times I come on cold, but don't believe it - I will love you til the day I die.

10-31-2012, 12:09 PM	#1
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	A little bit about me I was chased by 17 snakes down a hill as I was riding in a 500 mile skateboard race when I lived in Nebarkanaconnectyork, where I was also governor and 1st lady of the Supreme Circuit Court. Oh, and I also sang back-up to the Supreme's back-up. I've lived through 23 earthquakes, 90 tornadoes, 2 tsunamis, 61 hurricanes, a drought, and a couple of major sports leagues strikes. Once I became the All-sport Commissioner I put a stop to all that nonsense. When I wrote my best-selling novel "What It Is And Why That's Wrong" in 1908, I had no idea the road this country would take. Luckily, my follow-up book "You Really Suck Stupid" was able to look back with 20/20 vision and apply it to the future. I once sat on a park bench that Audrey Hepburn had sat upon and subsequently I was able to recite her lines from Breakfast At Tiffany's, verbatim, and also I was blind for a while and had to Wait Until Dark. All of these things have made me the expert® I am today, and I can look at anything or anyone and not only be able to tell you what is wrong with them or it, but I can tell you exactly what should be happening to fix them or it. I pity the fools who haven't taken advantage of the many opportunities for success that pass them by EVERY SINGLE DAY. I pity them, but I don't like them. They can do it if they just put their minds to it. I own hotels and restaurants all over the world. However, you probably can't afford to frequent any of them. I am the be-all end-all human being extraordinaire, and if you would just LISTEN to what I have to say you wouldn't suck so bad and the world would be OK again. But you're too selfish for that, aren't you? Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.

10-31-2012, 03:43 PM	#3
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I rock. 'Nuff said. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-31-2012, 04:01 PM	#4
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	This little bit about me is an exerpt from a byte in a sentence about me: 1 __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

10-31-2012, 04:03 PM	#5
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Wow. You guys are lucky! I'm a poor, freezing-to-death little match-girl selling what few matches I can on the snowy corner of Doom and EndBadly Street here in Porpeeplehedforeshire, England. Me little brother had all his golden locks shorn off as not to get coal in his hair while he sweeps the chimney's of them that gots homes and warmth and food and all the things we don't. Sometimes we sneak off to the old farmer's wintry, hard, dry field to pry an old warty turnip from the ground and we feast upon it (we simmer it in hot water-mum left me an olde cauldron 'afore she died of the fever and cough) we have to go down to the icy fen - barefoot! - to get the water to make the winter turnip soup. Sometimes we're lucky enough to find an old cow turd to chew for after. I admit it- I'm a sinner as I've been so hot and thirsty in the summertime that I've gone into the holy church just to drink the holy water there for the good and rich people to poke their hand in and bless themselves (they've been blessed a LOT in my view). I'm 8 years old now and uncle says it's time for me to move my "cherry ass" into a brothel to make some proper money so's he can drink more ale-I think I'll just sit here and freeze to death, slowly, beautifully, like a snow angel made of crystal ice and then someone will write my story and cry crocodile tears for me. At this point I'll take whatever I can get. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

10-31-2012, 08:39 PM	#6
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	Women talk a lot __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

10-31-2012, 01:11 PM	#2
SamIam Registered User Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Not here Posts: 2,655	Other people in the world are simply accessories who show off my perfect wonderfulness by being as stupid and worthless as they are. Only my needs and wants count and my needs and wants are countless. I have never lowered myself to shop in any sort of store with the hoi polloi - the staff of Tiffany's brings over the entire store for me to browse through while I have breakfast in my 1,000,000 sqare mile morning mansion which is paved with tiles and art removed from the Sistine Chapel. My diet consists mostly of nearly extinct birds and other critters freshly harvested from the Amazon Rain Forest and flown to my kitchens on the space shuttle. I haven't written a book about my life because - well - everyone should just know how extadorniary I am because its obvious to even the lowest cretin out there blaming the government because he dropped a 40 foot fig tree he was trying to plant in my world class botanic garden. The tree landed on his toe and the ER had to give him an aspirin - these people are always on the take - you know? IM would be my best friend if anybody actually deserved to be my friend, but since no one does, she isn't. However, we get together on alternate Thursdays and take turns with Ricardo the Cabana Boy who also provides us with pharmaceutical quality cocaine. I don't why all you peons whine so much. Look what I've had to overcome with the fig tree and those Tiffany people, but do I complain? No, I overcome. I even sent a can of generic sliced beets to those idiots in New Jersey who didn't even know enough to get out of that rain shower.

11-01-2012, 10:11 AM	#7
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	You all rock, for sure! This is one of my favorite things about the Cellar: starting some free association fun to write thread and seeing what people come up with. Story mode or one sentence...all perfect!

11-01-2012, 12:06 PM	#9
JBKlyde Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Encrypted Into an AmpitheaterWall Posts: 1,722	liar liar nuts on fire... oh wait your a girl... liar liar nipple quagmire..

11-01-2012, 12:27 PM	#10
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002

11-01-2012, 02:00 PM	#12
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	The only thing worse than a yappin' woman is a yappin' man. Yap yap yap...shut uppa yo face! And I've known me some yappin' men. shudders So I can see how yappin' women would get annoying. I don't yap in real life. Yapping here is merely typing.

11-01-2012, 02:50 PM	#13
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I had no idea Jim had a tail. The deal is off, Jim. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

11-10-2012, 09:52 AM	#14
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	I play in a band, we're the best in the land We're big in both Chelsea and France I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty These other gals mean nothing to me Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night 'Cause I'm more than a handful, you'll see [Chorus:] So kiss me, I'm shitfaced I'm soaked, I'm soiled and brown in the trousers, she kissed me And I only bought her one round I can bench press a car, I'm an ex football star with degrees from both Harvard and Yale Girls just can't keep up, I'm a real love machine I've had far better sex while in jail I've designed the Sears Tower, I make two grand an hour I cook the world's best duck flambe I'll take the pick of the litter, girls jockey for me I don't need these lines to get laid [Chorus] I'm a man of the night, a real ladies delight See my figure was chiseled from stone One more for the gal then I'll escort her home Come last call, I'm never alone I've a house on the hill with a red water bed That puts Hugh Heffnor's mansion to shame With girls by the pool and Italian sports cars I'm just here in this dump for the game [Chorus x2] Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shitting? I'm a pitiful sight, and I ain't all that bright I'm definitely not chiseled from stone I'm a cheat and a liar, no woman's desire I'll probably die cold and alone But just give me a chance, 'cause deep down inside I swear I got a big heart of gold I'm a monogamous man, no more one night stands Come on, honey, let me take you home [Chorus x4] __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

11-10-2012, 02:22 PM	#15
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I live by the sea. I gaze upon the fading dark and slowly buckle at the knees. I don't have anything you'd want to steal, well; nothing you can touch. Magnets and words up on the fridge speak to the poet in all of us. I know where the sun goes, I have seen the world turning. Three days till I get to you. I'll be late if I ever get through. Some times I come on cold, but don't believe it - I will love you til the day I die. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

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