need advice really really bad - Page 10

OnyxCougar · 02-17-2004, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by staceyv
onyx, you make it seem so black and white. this morning i am having doubts. it didn't look like he was ever really emotional about the whole thing. i don't trust him. leaving will be hard if i go, very very hard. i would have to go live with my mother, no health insurance, $8,000.00 in credit card debt, plus raised car insurance from when he hit someone's car. the embarassment of everyone finding out that i am a complete fool and was taken for a ride, the fact that i don't know if i'd ever be able to trust someone else again or have a normal relationship, the fact that i would miss him and think "what if he was sincere.." after he's gone, and the fact that i have no social life or friends to surround myself with to help me get over him. maybe i'm trying to delude myself into staying so my life will be easier. if i was in his shoes, (well, first of all, i wouldn't have written those letters!) but if i screwed up and i really cared, i would feel bad. i would probably cry and plead for forgiveness. but then i think "well, everyone has a different way of dealing with things"...still, he seems to not display too much emotion. this all seems like an inconvenience to him. like "fine, okay. you wanna ask me questions, go for it...we're just going in circles here, i'm so tired" or he's acting like nothing happened, acting exactly the same as he did before all of this."hi honey..here's your coffee, come here, give me a kiss, look at me- my dick is hard" or he's being impatient: he tried to kiss me before he got out of the car when i took him to work. i said "could you try that some other time?" because i am just not ready to be affectionate with him. he was like "fine!" and just got out of the car and walked away. i know he's happy with his life with me, but is it just because it's convenient? i mean, a nice apartment, home-cooked meals, live-in sex, greencard, someone to organize the household budget and style his hair...who wouldn't try to hold on to this set up? maybe it is even convenient for him until death do us part? i don't know...he could be thinking that he'll be a total citizen by age 28....that it's worth it to keep me happy. maybe he'd never leave because it's a good set-up. but if it's not based on love or good intentions, i don't want it! you know what kils me? everybody loves him. people that i trust as good judgers or character just love him. my 45 yr old female boss who seems to see through everyone loves him. my family, everyone. then again, i always told him he would be a good salesperson. uhh! i'm going in circles.

**sigh** Stacey, no one ever said it was going to be easy. It's never easy to realize your dreams are fading away in front of you.

To me, an outsider looking in on your viewpoint (which is the only one we've been exposed to and the only once that matters to you), it's black and white. Honey, ask anyone here, and they will tell you that any happy, healthy relationship is BASED on love and TRUST. You simply do not have that. How can you build a house on sand and expect it not to sink? Trust is a go/nogo issue. You do or you don't. Once you lose it, it is very very difficult to get it back.

Nothing ever seems black and white when your in the middle of it, and I know how hard it is to leave someone. I know what it feels like to be truly cheated on. I know what it feels like to have made a mistake that it's too late to repair. What it feels like to be used. To have a mountain of bills and no place to go. And no, it's not easy.

Let's assume your fears are valid. You are in a relationship with a man you don't trust. You have two options: (1) stay where you know you are being used. or (2) leave the bum, and actually have him deported so he can't use another woman this way.

Then who's the fool? Everyone gets used. Not everyone does something about it.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-17-2004, 09:32 PM

The end is going to come. It's very much to your advantage to pick the time and place. I doubt that anyone would disagree with that.

mrnoodle · 02-17-2004, 10:50 PM

highly therapeutic response posted in russky's thread. I have a feeling I might get dinged on it, but oh well. sorry staceyv, just sharing my opinion with him.

arsen · 02-17-2004, 10:56 PM

I hate when people call me russky.
I have a name.

elSicomoro · 02-17-2004, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by arsen
I hate when people call me russky.
I have a name.

Would you prefer commie?

mrnoodle · 02-17-2004, 11:05 PM

Arsen. I retract the russky comment, and admit to having a personal axe to grind with the sort of behavior described in this thread. I'm not impartial at all when it comes to infidelity. I used to be. I even dated a married woman. My disgust with this business has been turned on myself in the past. I deserved the heartache I got because I helped someone violate their vows. Still, if it walks like an asshat, talks like an asshat.....

elSicomoro · 02-17-2004, 11:13 PM

For the record, my question was legitimate.

mrnoodle · 02-17-2004, 11:19 PM

Dude, I'm trying to be serious here, and you keep having fun. You're harshing my mellow.

just haven't used that one yet. Ooooh. one to go and I have 100 posts.

ladysycamore · 02-22-2004, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by staceyv
onyx, you make it seem so black and white. this morning i am having doubts. it didn't look like he was ever really emotional about the whole thing. i don't trust him.

This is important to recognize.

Quote:

leaving will be hard if i go, very very hard. i would have to go live with my mother, no health insurance, $8,000.00 in credit card debt, plus raised car insurance from when he hit someone's car. the embarassment of everyone finding out that i am a complete fool and was taken for a ride, the fact that i don't know if i'd ever be able to trust someone else again or have a normal relationship, the fact that i would miss him and think "what if he was sincere.." after he's gone, and the fact that i have no social life or friends to surround myself with to help me get over him.

And these are the things you may have to face, so therefore I say it's important to work on "self" in order to face these things as a strong, mentally healthy adult.

Quote:

maybe i'm trying to delude myself into staying so my life will be easier. if i was in his shoes, (well, first of all, i wouldn't have written those letters!) but if i screwed up and i really cared, i would feel bad. i would probably cry and plead for forgiveness. but then i think "well, everyone has a different way of dealing with things"...still, he seems to not display too much emotion. this all seems like an inconvenience to him. like "fine, okay. you wanna ask me questions, go for it...we're just going in circles here, i'm so tired" or he's acting like nothing happened, acting exactly the same as he did before all of this."hi honey..here's your coffee, come here, give me a kiss, look at me- my dick is hard" or he's being impatient: he tried to kiss me before he got out of the car when i took him to work. i said "could you try that some other time?" because i am just not ready to be affectionate with him. he was like "fine!" and just got out of the car and walked away.

More proof that men and women treat certain situations differently.

Quote:

i know he's happy with his life with me, but is it just because it's convenient? i mean, a nice apartment, home-cooked meals, live-in sex, greencard, someone to organize the household budget and style his hair...who wouldn't try to hold on to this set up? maybe it is even convenient for him until death do us part? i don't know...he could be thinking that he'll be a total citizen by age 28....that it's worth it to keep me happy. maybe he'd never leave because it's a good set-up. but if it's not based on love or good intentions, i don't want it! you know what kils me? everybody loves him. people that i trust as good judgers or character just love him. my 45 yr old female boss who seems to see through everyone loves him. my family, everyone. then again, i always told him he would be a good salesperson. uhh! i'm going in circles.

You seem to do a lot of assuming with this. I hope that the counseling that you seek will help you out in some way. Good luck.

qtpatootie14 · 04-19-2004, 03:36 PM

WOW! Interesting!! Well my opinion is that #1 snooping in his email is bad bad!! I have got caught several times snooping in my bf's email, and it's not fun getting in trouble, because then he goes on thinking that I do not trust him....long story! Anywayz....what it sounds like to me is that he is too involved with this girl.....plain and simple!! Seems like he is too worried and concerned about her that he is you. Anything wrong with that picture?? Well...i'm sure you are going to do what you want to do...and you may already have since this post is kind of out a date...c ya

homerjackson · 04-19-2004, 09:09 PM

Stacy,

I know this is coming late, but I would like to put in my two cents. I think I can, somewhat, relate to your situation.

My wife just left me for reasons I don't even know. I'm still confused and the pain is the worst pain I've ever felt. I would rather have a root canal without the numbness, and I would give anything to be back with my wife. BUT....if she came back and wanted to get together.....as painful as it would be.....I would have to say no. The trust is gone and without trust, the marriage would suffer. You have to have trust. You have to be happy.

If this group of people at the cellar has taught me anything, it's that pain is apart of life and we have to deal with it. I realized that I should have dealt with this pain 10 years ago instead of prolonging it. 10 years of love is harder to forget than 2. They've also taught me that the pain will go away and the scars will heal. I hope they're right, because I want to love again and I will. And you can too.

I'm not telling you what to do or am I trying to persuade you in anyway. What I think you should do is listen to yourself. What do you tell you to do. If you decide to stay, then make the best of it. If you decide to go, then go. It seems to me that you are going to face pain either way.

Sorry if I'm bringing too much of my situation into this conversation, I'm still having a tough time dealing with it and this does help me too. But basically, what I'm trying to say to both of us it be strong and do what you think is right. And whatever pain you go through will go away with time and you will be stronger because of it.

I wish you the best of luck and let us know what happens.

Catwoman · 04-20-2004, 11:10 AM

Hi Staceyv - new here, hope you don't mind me commenting. Have read through all your posts and see masses of uncontrolled emotion. Psychologically you will reject any advice that doesn't conform to what you already know you are going to do (termed confirmation bias), so the best and only advice I can give is to listen to yourself, accept the decision you made the second you found out about the e-mails, and go ahead with it. Of course it will be hard, but stay true to yourself and you won't make a single mistake, because everything you do will be what you wanted to do in the first place.

All the best.

04-20-2004, 12:44 PM

Stacey, a better board for you to post your question on is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlguytalk
I can't add anything else new to the replies you've already had.

jdbutler · 04-20-2004, 01:05 PM

This is worse than watching soaps. I think all of you have been conned into contributing to a bogus bunch of tearjerking or meat-jerking bullshit. No sympathy in this corner. LMAO

Undertoad · 04-20-2004, 01:20 PM

When your life appears to fall into a mess right before your eyes, and there's nobody you can trust to tell your story, you can come here, jd, and still find a sympathetic audience.

02-17-2004, 09:32 PM	#137
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The end is going to come. It's very much to your advantage to pick the time and place. I doubt that anyone would disagree with that. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-17-2004, 10:50 PM	#138
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	highly therapeutic response posted in russky's thread. I have a feeling I might get dinged on it, but oh well. sorry staceyv, just sharing my opinion with him. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

02-17-2004, 10:56 PM	#139
arsen Rapscallion Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 5	I hate when people call me russky. I have a name. __________________ staceyv's husband

02-17-2004, 11:05 PM	#141
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	Arsen. I retract the russky comment, and admit to having a personal axe to grind with the sort of behavior described in this thread. I'm not impartial at all when it comes to infidelity. I used to be. I even dated a married woman. My disgust with this business has been turned on myself in the past. I deserved the heartache I got because I helped someone violate their vows. Still, if it walks like an asshat, talks like an asshat..... __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

02-17-2004, 11:19 PM	#143
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	Dude, I'm trying to be serious here, and you keep having fun. You're harshing my mellow. just haven't used that one yet. Ooooh. one to go and I have 100 posts. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

02-17-2004, 11:13 PM	#142
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	For the record, my question was legitimate.

04-19-2004, 03:36 PM	#145
qtpatootie14 Confounded Conjuror Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Corpus Christi Texas Posts: 33	WOW! Interesting!! Well my opinion is that #1 snooping in his email is bad bad!! I have got caught several times snooping in my bf's email, and it's not fun getting in trouble, because then he goes on thinking that I do not trust him....long story! Anywayz....what it sounds like to me is that he is too involved with this girl.....plain and simple!! Seems like he is too worried and concerned about her that he is you. Anything wrong with that picture?? Well...i'm sure you are going to do what you want to do...and you may already have since this post is kind of out a date...c ya __________________ "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

04-19-2004, 09:09 PM	#146
homerjackson Expectorant Inspector Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 31	It's late, I know Stacy, I know this is coming late, but I would like to put in my two cents. I think I can, somewhat, relate to your situation. My wife just left me for reasons I don't even know. I'm still confused and the pain is the worst pain I've ever felt. I would rather have a root canal without the numbness, and I would give anything to be back with my wife. BUT....if she came back and wanted to get together.....as painful as it would be.....I would have to say no. The trust is gone and without trust, the marriage would suffer. You have to have trust. You have to be happy. If this group of people at the cellar has taught me anything, it's that pain is apart of life and we have to deal with it. I realized that I should have dealt with this pain 10 years ago instead of prolonging it. 10 years of love is harder to forget than 2. They've also taught me that the pain will go away and the scars will heal. I hope they're right, because I want to love again and I will. And you can too. I'm not telling you what to do or am I trying to persuade you in anyway. What I think you should do is listen to yourself. What do you tell you to do. If you decide to stay, then make the best of it. If you decide to go, then go. It seems to me that you are going to face pain either way. Sorry if I'm bringing too much of my situation into this conversation, I'm still having a tough time dealing with it and this does help me too. But basically, what I'm trying to say to both of us it be strong and do what you think is right. And whatever pain you go through will go away with time and you will be stronger because of it. I wish you the best of luck and let us know what happens.

04-20-2004, 11:10 AM	#147
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Hi Staceyv - new here, hope you don't mind me commenting. Have read through all your posts and see masses of uncontrolled emotion. Psychologically you will reject any advice that doesn't conform to what you already know you are going to do (termed confirmation bias), so the best and only advice I can give is to listen to yourself, accept the decision you made the second you found out about the e-mails, and go ahead with it. Of course it will be hard, but stay true to yourself and you won't make a single mistake, because everything you do will be what you wanted to do in the first place. All the best. __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

04-20-2004, 12:44 PM	#148
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Stacey, a better board for you to post your question on is http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlguytalk I can't add anything else new to the replies you've already had.

04-20-2004, 01:05 PM	#149
jdbutler If ya cant take a joke, Effya! Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Posts: 288	This is worse than watching soaps. I think all of you have been conned into contributing to a bogus bunch of tearjerking or meat-jerking bullshit. No sympathy in this corner. LMAO __________________ Phineas J. Twunt

04-20-2004, 01:20 PM	#150
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	When your life appears to fall into a mess right before your eyes, and there's nobody you can trust to tell your story, you can come here, jd, and still find a sympathetic audience.

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