True Friends

freshnesschronic · 02-10-2009, 09:19 AM

So I thought I had a true friend. A new friend who was down for me most all the time, we talk about most anything at a personal level. But then I've noticed recently when she has become very stressed, with school, social life, and extra curriculars she says things to me which are very cruel. I, knowing her personality and how she exaggerates every issue in her life and makes it seem like only she is going through this excruciating pain, just shrug it off because I know not to take it at face value. But I've realized she says this bullshit to me, directly criticizes and says harsh statements at times, and then never apologizes later. I mean yes I know she lets things overwhelm her, but that's still not cool to never say to a good friend "I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I didn't mean it, I just got caught up in my emotions."

Perry Winkle · 02-10-2009, 10:28 AM

Talk to her about it when she's not feeling completely overwhelmed?

kerosene · 02-10-2009, 10:32 AM

Some people don't know how to apologize. It's weird, yes, but true. You know how when you were little and did something to hurt someone (even accidentally) and your mom would say "You need to say you are sorry?" Well, some peoples' parents never do that. There are people in my life like that and it drives me crazy, but I just have to understand that they don't know how.

dar512 · 02-10-2009, 02:38 PM

It depends on whether they feel it but can't or won't say it, or they just don't feel it. IME people with no empathy are not worth the time, and potentially dangerous.

kerosene · 02-10-2009, 02:41 PM

That's true. I was assuming Fresh's girl was one of the former. I hate to think that there are people out there who have no sense of remorse at all. But I know some of them, so I know they exist.

Aliantha · 02-10-2009, 03:33 PM

I'm with the 'tell her how you're feeling' vote on this one. Maybe she sees those things she says as far less important than you do. Maybe she just assumes that you know she doesn't mean it the way it sounds.

Just let her know that it's not cool to do it in the first place, and it's even less cool to not say something when things have settled down.

Clodfobble · 02-10-2009, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

how she exaggerates every issue in her life and makes it seem like only she is going through this excruciating pain

Can I tell you the honest truth? She is a drama queen, and is not going to change. She is not getting stressed and snapping at you unexpectedly, she is using her stress as an excuse for attention and drama. Mark my words, this person is not worth being around in the long run.

Aliantha · 02-10-2009, 06:06 PM

They're pretty young yet though Clod, and lots of 'kids' that age do tend toward drama until they either realise it's unneccessary or someone points it out to them. Maybe there's hope for her.

eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that if fresh really does think she's a good friend, she might be worth the effort and when it all comes down to it, no one's perfect.

Beestie · 02-10-2009, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Can I tell you the honest truth? She is a drama queen, and is not going to change. She is not getting stressed and snapping at you unexpectedly, she is using her stress as an excuse for attention and drama. Mark my words, this person is not worth being around in the long run.

Exactly. Man up and tell her to find another punching bag.

Shawnee123 · 02-10-2009, 06:11 PM

Heh...I'm torn on this one.

Earlier I wanted to say that the sad truth is that a person who has a handful of TRUE friends is very lucky. I thought it sounded negative, and I'm not trying to diss the human race, but I think that "tried and true would lay down and die for you" is a rare connection.

I also thought she seemed like a princess type, but then I thought maybe some of the others are right: talk to her and tell her.

If she's really a jerk she'll be completely unreceptive, and you'll know.

Not for a few years, buddy, but if you do find a woman who is a tried and true best friend...marry her!

TheMercenary · 02-10-2009, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perry Winkle

Talk to her about it when she's not feeling completely overwhelmed?

I would have to agree. I think by talking to her when she is not spinning up in her stress and nastiness that most, but obviously not all, people will be reasonable, esp if you have developed a relationship from the past experiences as you described them. Sit her down and tell her your feelings, all of them. You cannot be vague, you must be specific about the things that bothered you by the specific things she said that hurt you. She will understand or she will lose it completely and you will be right back where you started, so nothing really lost. I would find it hard to continue to have a relationship with her after that point if she goes off on you for your honesty. Good luck.

Hoof Hearted · 02-10-2009, 09:49 PM

I wouldn't wait for a calm/quiet period to discuss it at all. Why take a nice moment and ruin it? ...because she (if she is a true drama-llama) will feel she is being unjustly attacked and will react negatively.

Nope.
Toss it right back at her the very next time she snarks-off at you.
Ask her why she would say something like that to you?
Or tell her (with a smile on your face and in your voice) that was a lovely thing to say and then leave her company immediately.

If you show her no reaction, it is reinforcing her belief that her behavior is acceptable and she will escalate it, and never moderate it, if you don't let her know it is not acceptable.
If she never contacts you again...count yourself lucky.

*story*
I had a BF who got angry at me for something I had no control over.
I was to drop him off to fish at a river with his brother for two hours and I was going to the stable to ride my horse. After my ride, I was to return to the river to pick him and his brother up at the agreed upon time.
No cell phones.
BF's fishing pole broke after the first few casts, but by the time he walked to the little bait store to use the pay phone, I had already left the stable on my horse and was unreachable. When I returned from my relaxing ride, he was fuming and took it out on me verbally, though I had no control over what had happened. He told me to: 'not even think about staying overnight with him'.
I dropped him and his brother off, didn't say a word and drove home. I didn't make any effort to contact him. After about three days, he called me and asked why I hadn't been around, and I reminded him that I was doing what he last told me to do. He was silent as he thought about that. I didn't help him or make it easier for him to apologize to me. But he did apologize.

Oh, how I wish I had just stayed "gone". I would not have suffered further at his whims, though I am glad of the opportunity to appreciate my husband because of that evil-tempered BF.

When people show you who they are...believe them.
This girl is showing you who she is. Are you going to believe her?

classicman · 02-10-2009, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

When people show you who they are...believe them.

Excellent!

Stormieweather · 02-10-2009, 10:51 PM

Some people thrive on drama. They aren't concerned with the effects of their drama on those around them, they're focusing on the adrenaline rush that emotional overdrive brings. They like living emotionally on the edge and often encourage drama to fill their addiction.

You can tell this friend you're hurt by her attitude towards you and ask her to stop, but if she chooses not to, there is nothing further you can do about her.

You do have the right to choose not to have that sort of person in your life, however.

freshnesschronic · 02-11-2009, 12:35 AM

Thank you all, I appreciate it.

I will say this, she is definitely a drama queen--half the conversation we have is about some of her issues.

I'm going to totally reevaluate the friendship in 3 weeks--right now I am coordinating a dance scene with her with other students. After our performance I will take a serious step back from the friendship and see what happens--I honestly don't like being around people who think they can say whatever and still think "oh it's ok we're friends." Honestly, we've only been friends for a year and close friends for 8 months, so yeah I don't have that many attachments do her that would hurt my social life....I think...But yes I did consider her a good friend, before this semester when she became more than overwhelmed.

02-10-2009, 09:19 AM	#1
freshnesschronic Professor Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,555	True Friends So I thought I had a true friend. A new friend who was down for me most all the time, we talk about most anything at a personal level. But then I've noticed recently when she has become very stressed, with school, social life, and extra curriculars she says things to me which are very cruel. I, knowing her personality and how she exaggerates every issue in her life and makes it seem like only she is going through this excruciating pain, just shrug it off because I know not to take it at face value. But I've realized she says this bullshit to me, directly criticizes and says harsh statements at times, and then never apologizes later. I mean yes I know she lets things overwhelm her, but that's still not cool to never say to a good friend "I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I didn't mean it, I just got caught up in my emotions."

02-10-2009, 02:38 PM	#4
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	It depends on whether they feel it but can't or won't say it, or they just don't feel it. IME people with no empathy are not worth the time, and potentially dangerous. __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

02-10-2009, 03:33 PM	#6
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I'm with the 'tell her how you're feeling' vote on this one. Maybe she sees those things she says as far less important than you do. Maybe she just assumes that you know she doesn't mean it the way it sounds. Just let her know that it's not cool to do it in the first place, and it's even less cool to not say something when things have settled down. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-10-2009, 06:06 PM	#8
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	They're pretty young yet though Clod, and lots of 'kids' that age do tend toward drama until they either realise it's unneccessary or someone points it out to them. Maybe there's hope for her. eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that if fresh really does think she's a good friend, she might be worth the effort and when it all comes down to it, no one's perfect. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-10-2009, 06:11 PM	#10
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Heh...I'm torn on this one. Earlier I wanted to say that the sad truth is that a person who has a handful of TRUE friends is very lucky. I thought it sounded negative, and I'm not trying to diss the human race, but I think that "tried and true would lay down and die for you" is a rare connection. I also thought she seemed like a princess type, but then I thought maybe some of the others are right: talk to her and tell her. If she's really a jerk she'll be completely unreceptive, and you'll know. Not for a few years, buddy, but if you do find a woman who is a tried and true best friend...marry her! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

02-10-2009, 10:28 AM	#2
Perry Winkle Esnohplad Semaj Ton Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 2,259	Talk to her about it when she's not feeling completely overwhelmed?

02-10-2009, 10:32 AM	#3
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Some people don't know how to apologize. It's weird, yes, but true. You know how when you were little and did something to hurt someone (even accidentally) and your mom would say "You need to say you are sorry?" Well, some peoples' parents never do that. There are people in my life like that and it drives me crazy, but I just have to understand that they don't know how.

02-10-2009, 02:41 PM	#5
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	That's true. I was assuming Fresh's girl was one of the former. I hate to think that there are people out there who have no sense of remorse at all. But I know some of them, so I know they exist.

02-10-2009, 09:49 PM	#12
Hoof Hearted ...you smell something? Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Monroe, GA Posts: 420	I wouldn't wait for a calm/quiet period to discuss it at all. Why take a nice moment and ruin it? ...because she (if she is a true drama-llama) will feel she is being unjustly attacked and will react negatively. Nope. Toss it right back at her the very next time she snarks-off at you. Ask her why she would say something like that to you? Or tell her (with a smile on your face and in your voice) that was a lovely thing to say and then leave her company immediately. If you show her no reaction, it is reinforcing her belief that her behavior is acceptable and she will escalate it, and never moderate it, if you don't let her know it is not acceptable. If she never contacts you again...count yourself lucky. story I had a BF who got angry at me for something I had no control over. I was to drop him off to fish at a river with his brother for two hours and I was going to the stable to ride my horse. After my ride, I was to return to the river to pick him and his brother up at the agreed upon time. No cell phones. BF's fishing pole broke after the first few casts, but by the time he walked to the little bait store to use the pay phone, I had already left the stable on my horse and was unreachable. When I returned from my relaxing ride, he was fuming and took it out on me verbally, though I had no control over what had happened. He told me to: 'not even think about staying overnight with him'. I dropped him and his brother off, didn't say a word and drove home. I didn't make any effort to contact him. After about three days, he called me and asked why I hadn't been around, and I reminded him that I was doing what he last told me to do. He was silent as he thought about that. I didn't help him or make it easier for him to apologize to me. But he did apologize. Oh, how I wish I had just stayed "gone". I would not have suffered further at his whims, though I am glad of the opportunity to appreciate my husband because of that evil-tempered BF. When people show you who they are...believe them. This girl is showing you who she is. Are you going to believe her? __________________ I have the ability of single-minded determination and focu...Hey, look! A horse!

02-10-2009, 10:51 PM	#14
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	Some people thrive on drama. They aren't concerned with the effects of their drama on those around them, they're focusing on the adrenaline rush that emotional overdrive brings. They like living emotionally on the edge and often encourage drama to fill their addiction. You can tell this friend you're hurt by her attitude towards you and ask her to stop, but if she chooses not to, there is nothing further you can do about her. You do have the right to choose not to have that sort of person in your life, however. __________________ "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi

02-11-2009, 12:35 AM	#15
freshnesschronic Professor Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,555	Thank you all, I appreciate it. I will say this, she is definitely a drama queen--half the conversation we have is about some of her issues. I'm going to totally reevaluate the friendship in 3 weeks--right now I am coordinating a dance scene with her with other students. After our performance I will take a serious step back from the friendship and see what happens--I honestly don't like being around people who think they can say whatever and still think "oh it's ok we're friends." Honestly, we've only been friends for a year and close friends for 8 months, so yeah I don't have that many attachments do her that would hurt my social life....I think...But yes I did consider her a good friend, before this semester when she became more than overwhelmed.

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