Dealing with Loss....

[Trilby]

...how do you do it?

I recently decided not to re-up with someone; a person I like and admire but who I can't be around now for a very big reason. She was very good in the beginning, but I can't go on with her in light of this new insight. It's too big of a trigger for me to be around the kind of behavior she is engaging in. I feel sad about it, a loss about it, but I feel in my gut (where all true feeling is done that I've done the right thing.

I feel a loss, a grief.

How do you cope?

[Shawnee123]

One foot in front of the other. Repeat.

Hang in there.

[DanaC]

Shawnee, you just nailed it.

You cope by coping. There's no secret trick. You just keep moving forward and hope that Time moves in behind you and softens your tracks.

[Shawnee123]

It's not fun, and it's not easy. Grieving a relationship sucks, and the stages of grief apply.

Then the sun comes out, and you feel better.

[Hoof Hearted]

Originally Posted by Brianna

...how do you do it?
...too big of a trigger for me to be around the kind of behavior she is engaging in. I feel sad about it, a loss about it, but I feel in my gut ... that I've done the right thing.
I feel a loss, a grief.
How do you cope?

You acknowledge it but you remind yourself why you are having to do this: which is for your benefit, not theirs. Life is too short to have toxic people around you; sapping your energy and strength as you deal with the aftermath of their own demons/problems.

Take care of yourself and let the devil take care of the hindmost.
If you don't look out for #1, no one else will.

[Pie]

Remember what happened last time someone else "dumped" you. You may have been sad, angry, or had regrets. But it didn't destroy your life; and you finally moved on.

Your former friend will move on. You will move on.

[Trilby]

thanks....I actually feel much better now I've let it go. This woman was a mentor figure but her particular brand of insanity rubbed my particular brand of insanity the wrong way, creating the potential for a toxic bonfire.

i am, after all, glad I am free.

She's heading for a ski jump and she doesn't even know how to ski.

[Shawnee123]

Oh I know what you mean. I had a friend like that. She was not good for me, in any way. A few years ago I had to put her out of my life; it was the right thing to do. I hope she has her stuff together, but neither she nor I was getting our stuff together at the time (right after my divorce, she headed for a divorce after going off a deep end of sorts.) Toxic mix, indeed.

[classicman]

Although this appears to be an estrogen-fest.... I cut a whole bunch of people outta my life at one point. actually everyone I thought was my friend. With them went every connection to all the things I didn't want in my life any longer. I went through a lot of crap at the time and it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. That was about 20 years ago.
In the last five years or so, I've run into a couple of them. They haven't progressed at all. It like they are trapped in time. All they are doing is getting older. Its a shame really. I am free and I feel great about that although I am sad for them. at times I am angry too, some had such great potential and its just been wasted.

[sugarpop]

I've had to let go of a few people in my life, and I've had it done to me as well. Grief is different for everyone, coping is different for everyone. My ex and I are like that, toxic to each other. We're still friends, we still see each other, but it's amazing to me how we ever lasted as long as we did. I have healed a lot since we split, but when get together and that behavior comes up, it still makes me sad, and angry.

[Tulip]

When does the grieving of a relationship end? It has been 16 months, and I sometimes still think about. It still makes me sad and angry at the same time.

[sugarpop]

I don't think it ever goes away completely. I lost one of my cats last year, and I still cry sometimes when I think about him. I miss him terribly.

As for people, same thing. Do you still have some issues around that relationship? Something with which you need closure? Because that can cause lasting grief. My dad passed away 4 years ago, and I don't believe I have ever dealt with it. Maybe it's because he was losing his memory, and he wasn't the man I knew growing up, so maybe I had already let go of him before he passed away, but honestly, I don't know. One day I might wake up and my heart might be broken because he's gone. I may have pushed it down so deep, I just haven't seen it yet. I don't think so though. I think I accepted it before it happened.

I'm dealing with an ex-relationship now. We broke up about 6 months ago, but we still see each other almost every week, and talk on the phone a lot. But, we have serious communication issues. It is bewildering and infuriating and heartbreaking all at once. Honestly, right now the only way I am surviving and dealing with it is by having the Scarlette O'Hara attitude, of putting it off until tomorrow. Not something I would recommend.

[DanaC]

Putting off til tomorrow is a fine way of dealing with emotional stress imo. You think about it, it upsets you...kick it into the long grass and deal with it when you feel stronger.

16 months isn't really that long a stretch of time Tiki. It took me a good while longer than that before I could think about the past with J and not feel sadness, regret, longing and disconnection. Takes time. Sometimes it takes longer. There's no formula. There are friendships I still hark back to now and then and am assailed by a wave of sadness at the fact I don't know what happened to that person and probably never will.

When sadness like that creeps up, the present can be a good anchor.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Putting off til tomorrow is a fine way of dealing with emotional stress imo. You think about it, it upsets you...kick it into the long grass and deal with it when you feel stronger.

Again, wise words Dana.

The friend I mentioned earlier: I still have guilt that I had to push her out of my life. Was I not strong enough to deal with what she was going through? Honestly, at that time, no I was not. She was in an authority position and appointed herself my mentor, and led me down more than one bad path. At that time in my life (as I said, newly divorced) I was easily led: proclamations of "you are woman hear you roar" are all well and good if you have your feet firmly planted on the ground and are not handed delusions that you could take over the world in 5 easy steps (and boy, wouldn't that show everybody what a strong and thriving woman I was?) Grieving the loss of my marriage, and grieving the loss of her, while grieving the loss of having any clue who I was, was a blurry and confusing time.

But in the end, it made me so much stronger, as these things tend to do.

[Aliantha]

Over the last few days I've realized how much I still miss my Mum. With Max being born, I've been thinking about how he'll never know her and what a wonderful grandmother she was to Aden and Mav. I hope the older boys will eventually share their stories about her with him, and I know I will, but it's a bit heartbreaking to think about what he's missing out on.

I've also selfishly been missing her guidance during these early few weeks.

I think I'll always miss my Mum. I don't think it's something I'll ever get over even though it doesn't permeate every aspect of my life as it did a few years ago.

I've come to believe that when you really feel bad about losing someone, you don't really stop having those feelings. You just find ways not to think about them. At least, I think that's how it is with me.