Is it over? - Page 3

skysidhe · 07-03-2006, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ibram

you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away...

I think it isn't as bad in real life as sharp as the internet presents it? I mean it's more quiet don't you think? I mean a group of people at work won't be talking like this outloud.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times.

Dump.

Yes, the odds say it is so. He has done it more than once.

but to soften it. I got caught up in a user for a few years myself. Now I don't trust myself anymore .

I know the idea of what you want...what could be is beautiful but if you arn't on the same page then he should go bye bye.

MsSparkie · 07-03-2006, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Absolutely not! Although there are people addicted to porn, or to ice cream or anything else, the majority of people that enjoy it are not addicted.

OK....revision: for the addictive type personality it is. My ex, a severe alcoholic, "transferred" his addiction when in detox to porn and smokes.

I am a good example of those who enjoy it but are not addicted. LOL

07-03-2006, 03:27 PM

Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made.

Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work.
Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand.
I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

anonymousfornow · 07-04-2006, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made.

Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work.
Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand.
I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

I have no issues with porn in moderation. As a woman, I enjoy it sometimes. I dont mind videos, or magazines laying around the house. I don't mind going to the strip club once in awhile either. I've decided that men are going to do these things and it cannot be stopped. Only hidden. Given all the above criteria...I am suppose to be in a monogamous relationship and I draw the line at invitations to his apartment. We are 3 days out from my original post and although I'm trying to deal with this I am not doing a very good job. I had an all out anxiety attack on the way to work yesterday morning. We went out last night and I look at him differently. I hate that this component has crept into our relationship and so early on at that. I have made an internal decision not to make any more emotional deposits in his bank, because if I look at this objectively...he has never made a deposit...only withdrawls. I'm still looking to get in touch with my anger but I've looked for it and it isnt there. I'm just sad.

Sundae · 07-04-2006, 10:02 AM

Anon - I don't want to come across all hands-on-hips-Jerry-Springer-audience at you, but what are you still doing with this man?

He obviously does not want a monogamous relationship with you at present - either he was looking to replace you by advertising himself online, or he was looking for other women to sleep with as well as you. Neither of these options fits with a man who wants to commit solely to you.

This does not necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly makes him the wrong person for you. He could be the most wonderful man in the world, and you could love him more than any woman who's ever lived, but if you want different things from eachother you will end up getting hurt. More. Finish it.

AlternateGray · 07-04-2006, 10:37 AM

Now, I obviously do not know either of you, and me offering advice to you on this subject is either hypocritical or ironic. Probably both. And making judgements based on your last post alone is foolhardy at best.

BUT. It sounds very much like you're not going to end this relationship. You're waiting for your anger to do it for you; some magical wave of willpower and indignation that's going to free you from the bonds of giving a rat's ass about this guy.

It's not going to happen. No more emotional deposits? Every second you spend in this relationship will be a deposit; whether you tell him or not, every bit of sadness (and eventually, anger) you choke down is going to be an emotional deposit. Just not a healthy one. Don't fool yourself. If you're in love with him, there is no halfway point. Your emotions are not like water from a faucet that you can cut down to a trickle and control. Just leave.

If you, God forbid, do stay with him, keep in mind that this is when you form the foundation of your relationship... and for that foundation to be halfway decent, certain things have to happen.
1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.
Now, mind you, I would ask you why in the hell you'd even want to go down this path. IMH-andhypocritical-O, it's the wrong one. But I know why. And I'm tellin' you now, if you stay, and those four steps don't get done...

anonymousfornow · 07-04-2006, 01:15 PM

1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.

These 4 things have happened.

Trilby · 07-04-2006, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.

These 4 things have happened.

Then your back to being the happy couple?

MsSparkie · 07-04-2006, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

.......I have made an internal decision not to make any more emotional deposits in his bank, because if I look at this objectively...he has never made a deposit...only withdrawls. I'm still looking to get in touch with my anger but I've looked for it and it isnt there. I'm just sad.

(((((((((((anonymousfornow)))))))))))))))

That is a great decision, and I bet you might fluxuate on it, some back and forth....that's normal. Maintaining your dignity is important.

What is he saying about things? Did he agree that you were exclusive? Where does he want your relationship to go?

I wish you both the very best.

anonymousfornow · 07-06-2006, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

Then your back to being the happy couple?

Not exactly.

Elspode · 07-06-2006, 03:12 PM

So do you have his yarbles hanging from your mirror, then?

limey · 07-06-2006, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

Not exactly.

This is like pulling teeth ... go on, give us a little more information so we can give you a little more support ...

anonymousfornow · 07-06-2006, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by limey

This is like pulling teeth ... go on, give us a little more information so we can give you a little more support ...

I've made the decision to give it one more shot, flying in the face of what everyone has said to me. I know I am just an anonymous woman on a bbs, but thank goodness I have a place that I can be anonymous but still share my pain and find some TLC. My challenge will be to trust him and try not to treat him differently than before. I unfortunately have several life changing events taking place at the moment and adding this to the mix doesn't help. I have just shut down, but I cannot compartmentalize being cold and numb inside. I have to be that way with everything right now until I get through these life changes. Am I making any sense? I'm exhausted and scared and somewhat miserable, but there is so many other things at stake in my life right now I cannot let my bf or the possibility of having a total breakdown ruin or diminish the other great things that are happening. I just have to shut everything off inside me until I get through the next few weeks.

Trilby · 07-06-2006, 05:55 PM

Oh, honey.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-06-2006, 10:12 PM

Why not just put your decision on hold until it's convenient. Don't commit to anything until you're ready.

07-04-2006, 10:37 AM	#36
AlternateGray red-shirt guy Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 101	Now, I obviously do not know either of you, and me offering advice to you on this subject is either hypocritical or ironic. Probably both. And making judgements based on your last post alone is foolhardy at best. BUT. It sounds very much like you're not going to end this relationship. You're waiting for your anger to do it for you; some magical wave of willpower and indignation that's going to free you from the bonds of giving a rat's ass about this guy. It's not going to happen. No more emotional deposits? Every second you spend in this relationship will be a deposit; whether you tell him or not, every bit of sadness (and eventually, anger) you choke down is going to be an emotional deposit. Just not a healthy one. Don't fool yourself. If you're in love with him, there is no halfway point. Your emotions are not like water from a faucet that you can cut down to a trickle and control. Just leave. If you, God forbid, do stay with him, keep in mind that this is when you form the foundation of your relationship... and for that foundation to be halfway decent, certain things have to happen. 1. You have to confront him with what he's done 2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you. 3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and 4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it. Now, mind you, I would ask you why in the hell you'd even want to go down this path. IMH-andhypocritical-O, it's the wrong one. But I know why. And I'm tellin' you now, if you stay, and those four steps don't get done... __________________ If it wasn't for hypergraphia, I wouldn't have put anything here at all.

07-06-2006, 03:12 PM	#41
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	So do you have his yarbles hanging from your mirror, then? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

07-06-2006, 05:55 PM	#44
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Oh, honey. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

07-06-2006, 10:12 PM	#45
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Why not just put your decision on hold until it's convenient. Don't commit to anything until you're ready. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-03-2006, 03:27 PM	#33
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made. Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work. Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand. I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

07-04-2006, 10:02 AM	#35
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Anon - I don't want to come across all hands-on-hips-Jerry-Springer-audience at you, but what are you still doing with this man? He obviously does not want a monogamous relationship with you at present - either he was looking to replace you by advertising himself online, or he was looking for other women to sleep with as well as you. Neither of these options fits with a man who wants to commit solely to you. This does not necessarily make him a bad person, but it certainly makes him the wrong person for you. He could be the most wonderful man in the world, and you could love him more than any woman who's ever lived, but if you want different things from eachother you will end up getting hurt. More. Finish it.

07-04-2006, 01:15 PM	#37
anonymousfornow May Ter Dee Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 26	1. You have to confront him with what he's done 2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you. 3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and 4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it. These 4 things have happened.

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