What age do you give up trying to find "fairy tale love"?

Riddil · 11-21-2003, 02:50 PM

One thing I really hate is when people jump onto a new forum and start spouting off the trials and tribulations of their life seeking advice... for problems they most likely won't bother taking any of the advice offered anyhow.

So I will save you the pain from listening to my personal (and uninteresting) situation.

But, my preponderant question of the day is...

At what point in life is it that people give up trying to find their "one true love"? It's obviously not age related, b/c I have several 25-30 year old friends that still pine for their long-lost prince/princess. But typically after people have had their share of flare-up romances, and testicle-grinding long-term relationships...

They become jaded. They give up the childish idea that they will find their one true love, and they begin to look for someone that is "good enough". Someone that the most emotion they illicit from you is, "I think I could put up with their shite for the rest of my life. And they can cook."

Does true love really exist? Or is it a fabrication we lie to children about in some sort of futile attempt to convince ourselves that there really is some greater love-of-your-life out there?

TomFoolery · 11-21-2003, 02:57 PM

Do you really believe everybody has one true love? I don't. I have found true love in my life, but I don't think there is only one person in the whole world I could have found it with.

FileNotFound · 11-21-2003, 03:10 PM

Maybe I'm not the right person to answer being just 21. Maybe even more so because the best answer I can give is "I sure hope so..". Still it's hard to resist.

I'd like to think that such a thing does exist, yet it seems that all too often the person you feel is 'your one true love' turns out to not be quite what you expected. Before you know it that love will have turned into indifference and you'll have no idea how that happened or why, all the reasons will seem so tiny and silly but you just won't feel the way you did. I guess this is starting to take on a personal side but I can't help it.

What I'm trying to say is: I think there is true love out there, I used to think that I had found it and that I'd spend the rest of my life with her. Yet now I find myself feeling almost nothing for her, I wish I could make it come back but I don't think I can, maybe it'll come back by itself. I don't know. Yet right now I just want to go back to being alone and playing computer games all day without having to worry about anything.

Riddil · 11-21-2003, 04:06 PM

Heh, I feel you on that one FNF, and it's pretty much the exact reason I made the original post. I've had... I don't know... 3? 4? different relationships that started out so strong, and so powerful that I was convinced at the outset that it was love.

That's the funny thing about relationships, they always cool off. And after you've had enough "cooling off" relationships, you start to think, "Maybe they're all like this. Why keep ending relationships where I don't love the girl, and instead just stay with someone that's 'good enough'".

I think that's the biggest reason why when ppl get older they regret all their old relationships. B/c they realize that they threw away all of these people that truly were compatible souls, just b/c they were chasing the classical idea of love... only to find out instead of "love" all you get is nightly sitcoms, microwave dinners, and sex on a semi-regular basis.

I think that's the reason why people watch romantic movies so much. They like to keep on believing the fairy tale. Might as well live it vicariously through the movies, since you know you'll never have it in your own life.

---

Oh, and Tom, naw, I don't believe in the idea that there is one "soul mate" out there. I think that idea is a little dated. I personally believe that you could take any man, and any woman on Earth, and if you stranded them on a desert island, after long enough 90% of the time they'll end up falling "in love".

Environment has a big impact on not only who we are, but how we deal with our relationships.

FileNotFound · 11-21-2003, 04:21 PM

So far I've been in three 'serious' relationships. Yet the one I'm in now, I've known the girl since I was 7 years old and have had feelings for her since then. We have been appart for some time which is when I had the other relationships, but I never felt the same level of a 'connection' then as I did with her.

The thing is, when I was crazy about her, every little flaw she had I saw just for that, a little flaw. None of them mattered, she was perfect. Now they're driving me nuts. I keep trying to figure out of those little flaws are the reason it's not working or if the fact that my feelings for her have faded that amplified those flaws.

What really sucks is that I think she might be feeling the same thing for me. Worse yet, we pretty much always wanted to be together and it was a dream come true, now it's turning into a nightmare. I'm totaly lost, we've both made radical changes in our lives to be together but it's not turning into what we expected...maybe it'll go back to how it was. We did just move in together, maybe we're just adjusting...but then I don't even know if I really want the feelings to come back...thats what sucks about indifference..it doesn't matter either way.

The previous two relationships didn't quite end like this. The first the girl ended up cheating on me with my bf and I broke up with her. The third girl was much older than me and wanted a far more serious relationship than I could offer so I broke it off.

DNK · 11-21-2003, 04:24 PM

When you die.

GBA

DNK

bmgb · 11-21-2003, 04:30 PM

What you're saying, Riddil, makes me think of a movie. Not a fairy tale romance movie, but a movie called High Fidelity. I'm sure everyone's seen it.

I personally didn't care for it, because I thought it would be more of a comedy than a "relationship movie." I hate relationship movies. Plus, toward the end, when the main character finally decides to stop being an asshole and be good to his longtime gf, I just sat there saying, "Well, duh!"

Strangely, I've noticed a lot of guys seem to like the movie. I guess it's a worthwhile watch.

kerosene · 11-21-2003, 04:55 PM

It has a great soundtrack.

warch · 11-21-2003, 05:48 PM

Here's my older person's take.
You can and probably will have lots of loves. There's not just one. It is all weird random timing. And deep love is nothing like the initial romance, its tougher, but can be way more rewarding.

Romance is based on shakey and exciting ground- sex! will he? will she? when can we be together? There is more to know and explore, and you long to be together.

Thing is, that the thing you long for, the togetherness and closeness serves to obliterate the shakes which in turn, obliterate the surface thrill. You have commitment, security. And for some...game over. But I dont think it has to be.

Thats kinda where I'm at. Married now for 14 years, love the Mr. like crazy, but needing to realize some new depth, because we are not the same people we were at 25. And I'm seeing a lot of what I know were solid relationships of similar vintage hit this iceberg and break.

insoluble · 11-21-2003, 09:40 PM

Seems to me that the "good enough" phenomenon is a cause of mauch misery and a result of the fear of similar misery. Why are people so averse to being happy on their own for a while? It is a blessing to know yourself and like what you know!

wolf · 11-22-2003, 12:57 AM

The "fairy tale" is never (okay, hardly ever — you never know who you're going to meet and fall in love with at rehab) going to be the one that Julia Roberts spoke of in Pretty Woman, but it's possible, and it's possible at any age.

But the fairy tale still takes work ... you can't take any relationship for granted. Like a vehicle, you need to maintain it, pay attention to knocks and pings, and give it a lube and oil from time to time.

EDIT: Oh, and sometimes you don't immediately know it's the fairy tale. It can sneak up on you that way.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-22-2003, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DNK
When you die.

GBA

DNK

Seconded.

Abandon hope, all ye that enter ......

Elspode · 11-22-2003, 06:55 AM

Warch has it pretty much right, I think. Fairy tale love is easily available at first, but familiarity breeds both contempt and depth. As you get older, your definition of a fairy tale is going to change anyway, and you might just find that surviving trials and tribulations standing side by side with someone for whom you have a deep and abiding love has far more value than the starry-eyed, heart pounding first blush.

Don't get me wrong, that first blush is fabulous...nothing else like it...but it is really difficult to maintain in the face of real life. It is sort of like trying to sprint a marathon. Not physically possible. You have to settle in a bit, but then you have a lot more energy, and the sidelines don't rush by as fast.

Okay...it is too early, and now I'm rambling. Bye.

Riddil · 11-24-2003, 09:19 AM

warch... nicely said... I think you helped put it a little more into perspective for me.

I really think that the root of the problem isn't really in the debate between "does true love exist?" vs. "is love surreal?"..

It really has more to do with our definition of love. Take for example the tried-and-true "love story" Romeo and Juliet. That lil diddy is held up as the pinnacle love story of the ages. But take a closer look at it... it's a story about a couple of young teenagers who meet, spend 2 days together, run off and get married, and then kill themselves.

Is that really love? Or is it lust? Or maybe simple infatuation? Whatever the case may be, we accept the idea that love is this explosion of fireworks that's realized from the first instant you meet your Romeo or your Juliet. We hold that as our standard unit of measurement... and when real-life fails to meet that standard, we're let down by the harsh reality of it.

When maybe we shouldn't be definining love by two teenagers that spot each other at a paty and sleep together on the first date...

Maybe love should be defined by the person who wakes up next to their partner that's working on a healthy little beer belly, has terrible morning breath, and never seems to be able to remember to set the alarm.

And they're OK with that.

russotto · 11-24-2003, 10:40 AM

Remember, if you have a "one true love", statistically speaking he or she lives in India and you'll never meet.

11-21-2003, 02:50 PM	#1
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	What age do you give up trying to find "fairy tale love"? One thing I really hate is when people jump onto a new forum and start spouting off the trials and tribulations of their life seeking advice... for problems they most likely won't bother taking any of the advice offered anyhow. So I will save you the pain from listening to my personal (and uninteresting) situation. But, my preponderant question of the day is... At what point in life is it that people give up trying to find their "one true love"? It's obviously not age related, b/c I have several 25-30 year old friends that still pine for their long-lost prince/princess. But typically after people have had their share of flare-up romances, and testicle-grinding long-term relationships... They become jaded. They give up the childish idea that they will find their one true love, and they begin to look for someone that is "good enough". Someone that the most emotion they illicit from you is, "I think I could put up with their shite for the rest of my life. And they can cook." Does true love really exist? Or is it a fabrication we lie to children about in some sort of futile attempt to convince ourselves that there really is some greater love-of-your-life out there?

11-21-2003, 03:10 PM	#3
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Maybe I'm not the right person to answer being just 21. Maybe even more so because the best answer I can give is "I sure hope so..". Still it's hard to resist. I'd like to think that such a thing does exist, yet it seems that all too often the person you feel is 'your one true love' turns out to not be quite what you expected. Before you know it that love will have turned into indifference and you'll have no idea how that happened or why, all the reasons will seem so tiny and silly but you just won't feel the way you did. I guess this is starting to take on a personal side but I can't help it. What I'm trying to say is: I think there is true love out there, I used to think that I had found it and that I'd spend the rest of my life with her. Yet now I find myself feeling almost nothing for her, I wish I could make it come back but I don't think I can, maybe it'll come back by itself. I don't know. Yet right now I just want to go back to being alone and playing computer games all day without having to worry about anything. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

11-21-2003, 04:06 PM	#4
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	Heh, I feel you on that one FNF, and it's pretty much the exact reason I made the original post. I've had... I don't know... 3? 4? different relationships that started out so strong, and so powerful that I was convinced at the outset that it was love. That's the funny thing about relationships, they always cool off. And after you've had enough "cooling off" relationships, you start to think, "Maybe they're all like this. Why keep ending relationships where I don't love the girl, and instead just stay with someone that's 'good enough'". I think that's the biggest reason why when ppl get older they regret all their old relationships. B/c they realize that they threw away all of these people that truly were compatible souls, just b/c they were chasing the classical idea of love... only to find out instead of "love" all you get is nightly sitcoms, microwave dinners, and sex on a semi-regular basis. I think that's the reason why people watch romantic movies so much. They like to keep on believing the fairy tale. Might as well live it vicariously through the movies, since you know you'll never have it in your own life. --- Oh, and Tom, naw, I don't believe in the idea that there is one "soul mate" out there. I think that idea is a little dated. I personally believe that you could take any man, and any woman on Earth, and if you stranded them on a desert island, after long enough 90% of the time they'll end up falling "in love". Environment has a big impact on not only who we are, but how we deal with our relationships. Last edited by Riddil; 11-21-2003 at 04:09 PM.

11-21-2003, 04:21 PM	#5
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	So far I've been in three 'serious' relationships. Yet the one I'm in now, I've known the girl since I was 7 years old and have had feelings for her since then. We have been appart for some time which is when I had the other relationships, but I never felt the same level of a 'connection' then as I did with her. The thing is, when I was crazy about her, every little flaw she had I saw just for that, a little flaw. None of them mattered, she was perfect. Now they're driving me nuts. I keep trying to figure out of those little flaws are the reason it's not working or if the fact that my feelings for her have faded that amplified those flaws. What really sucks is that I think she might be feeling the same thing for me. Worse yet, we pretty much always wanted to be together and it was a dream come true, now it's turning into a nightmare. I'm totaly lost, we've both made radical changes in our lives to be together but it's not turning into what we expected...maybe it'll go back to how it was. We did just move in together, maybe we're just adjusting...but then I don't even know if I really want the feelings to come back...thats what sucks about indifference..it doesn't matter either way. The previous two relationships didn't quite end like this. The first the girl ended up cheating on me with my bf and I broke up with her. The third girl was much older than me and wanted a far more serious relationship than I could offer so I broke it off. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

11-21-2003, 04:24 PM	#6
DNK Thick skinned and I like (my wife's) Bush Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Hotlanta, Ga Posts: 54	When you die. GBA DNK __________________ "Every man thinks his burden is the heaviest" Robert Nesta Marley

11-21-2003, 02:57 PM	#2
TomFoolery Neophyte-in-training Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 3	Do you really believe everybody has one true love? I don't. I have found true love in my life, but I don't think there is only one person in the whole world I could have found it with.

11-21-2003, 04:30 PM	#7
bmgb Master of the Domain Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: MN Posts: 231	What you're saying, Riddil, makes me think of a movie. Not a fairy tale romance movie, but a movie called High Fidelity. I'm sure everyone's seen it. I personally didn't care for it, because I thought it would be more of a comedy than a "relationship movie." I hate relationship movies. Plus, toward the end, when the main character finally decides to stop being an asshole and be good to his longtime gf, I just sat there saying, "Well, duh!" Strangely, I've noticed a lot of guys seem to like the movie. I guess it's a worthwhile watch. __________________ That gun will replace your tongue. You will learn to speak through it. And your poetry will be written in blood. - Nobody

11-21-2003, 04:55 PM	#8
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	It has a great soundtrack.

11-21-2003, 05:48 PM	#9
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Here's my older person's take. You can and probably will have lots of loves. There's not just one. It is all weird random timing. And deep love is nothing like the initial romance, its tougher, but can be way more rewarding. Romance is based on shakey and exciting ground- sex! will he? will she? when can we be together? There is more to know and explore, and you long to be together. Thing is, that the thing you long for, the togetherness and closeness serves to obliterate the shakes which in turn, obliterate the surface thrill. You have commitment, security. And for some...game over. But I dont think it has to be. Thats kinda where I'm at. Married now for 14 years, love the Mr. like crazy, but needing to realize some new depth, because we are not the same people we were at 25. And I'm seeing a lot of what I know were solid relationships of similar vintage hit this iceberg and break.

11-21-2003, 09:40 PM	#10
insoluble developmentally disabled rear end headwear Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: syracuse, ny Posts: 207	Seems to me that the "good enough" phenomenon is a cause of mauch misery and a result of the fear of similar misery. Why are people so averse to being happy on their own for a while? It is a blessing to know yourself and like what you know!

11-22-2003, 12:57 AM	#11
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	The "fairy tale" is never (okay, hardly ever — you never know who you're going to meet and fall in love with at rehab) going to be the one that Julia Roberts spoke of in Pretty Woman, but it's possible, and it's possible at any age. But the fairy tale still takes work ... you can't take any relationship for granted. Like a vehicle, you need to maintain it, pay attention to knocks and pings, and give it a lube and oil from time to time. EDIT: Oh, and sometimes you don't immediately know it's the fairy tale. It can sneak up on you that way. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis Last edited by wolf; 11-22-2003 at 01:03 AM.

11-22-2003, 06:55 AM	#13
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Warch has it pretty much right, I think. Fairy tale love is easily available at first, but familiarity breeds both contempt and depth. As you get older, your definition of a fairy tale is going to change anyway, and you might just find that surviving trials and tribulations standing side by side with someone for whom you have a deep and abiding love has far more value than the starry-eyed, heart pounding first blush. Don't get me wrong, that first blush is fabulous...nothing else like it...but it is really difficult to maintain in the face of real life. It is sort of like trying to sprint a marathon. Not physically possible. You have to settle in a bit, but then you have a lot more energy, and the sidelines don't rush by as fast. Okay...it is too early, and now I'm rambling. Bye. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

11-24-2003, 09:19 AM	#14
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	warch... nicely said... I think you helped put it a little more into perspective for me. I really think that the root of the problem isn't really in the debate between "does true love exist?" vs. "is love surreal?".. It really has more to do with our definition of love. Take for example the tried-and-true "love story" Romeo and Juliet. That lil diddy is held up as the pinnacle love story of the ages. But take a closer look at it... it's a story about a couple of young teenagers who meet, spend 2 days together, run off and get married, and then kill themselves. Is that really love? Or is it lust? Or maybe simple infatuation? Whatever the case may be, we accept the idea that love is this explosion of fireworks that's realized from the first instant you meet your Romeo or your Juliet. We hold that as our standard unit of measurement... and when real-life fails to meet that standard, we're let down by the harsh reality of it. When maybe we shouldn't be definining love by two teenagers that spot each other at a paty and sleep together on the first date... Maybe love should be defined by the person who wakes up next to their partner that's working on a healthy little beer belly, has terrible morning breath, and never seems to be able to remember to set the alarm. And they're OK with that.

11-24-2003, 10:40 AM	#15
russotto Professor Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 1,788	Remember, if you have a "one true love", statistically speaking he or she lives in India and you'll never meet.

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