Getting over it: how to do it?

[AgentApathy]

I've reached an all new low: I'm pouring out my heart and asking strangers on the internet for advice. I'm sure everyone has had one of these stories, but I'm stuck in a rut and the rut is so deep that I can't see daylight.

My now-former boyfriend and I have not had an easy time of things, almost from the beginning. Almost just as soon as we started dating, he left his job and a month later moved to the city where I lived to be with me. It took 6 months for him to find a job, and during this time, his thyroid medication dosage was way off, resulting in some chemically induced depression. Once all of that was solved and he was working again, things seemed to smooth out for a few months, and we went back to being happy like we were before, just to stumble over several more relationship hurdles. This culminated in a huge argument around Thanksgiving, leading to him coming to me December 3, begging me not to leave him, asking me to go to counseling and saying that he had been looking at rings not so long before and wanted a life with me.

We went to counseling, where the counselor told us after several sessions that she sees couples all the time who NEED to break up and she tells them so, but that we're not one of them, that we just need to learn to communicate better. That month was hard; there was the usual holiday stress and then on December 23, one of my friends died unexpectedly. My grief was compounded on January 1 when my boyfriend broke up with me, saying that he loves me but he couldn't handle the stress and discord anymore.

Of course that isn't everything, but I don't want to bore everyone with all of the details. I am having a hard time dealing with the sudden shift in attitude and circumstance: I had put aside all of my doubt and anger entirely and committed myself to working with him to fix everything, and suddenly that life we had been working toward is gone. Nothing is the same; all of the goals I had set for myself were inclusive of him and our future life together, and now I don't even know what to wish for or hope for. I feel totally shattered; I don't even feel up to seeing my friends and even though I have the means and ability to go somewhere, do something, there is nothing I want to do and nowhere that feels like it would be a comfort.

My question, following all of what was very likely TMI, is this: how do YOU do it? What has worked for you to get over it when you felt like your life was over? I know the easiest answer is to just forget him and find someone else, but this is the first time in my 35 years that I have *ever* been with anyone with whom I felt I could want a child (my friends are still slack-jawed over this, since I have always been anti-kid), so I'm in it pretty deep. I keep wondering when I get to stop bursting into tears and feel okay again.

Help me get over it: what should I do? I'd rather not go on medications unless I have to, but the emotional exhaustion is getting to be more than I can handle.

[xoxoxoBruce]

The obvious solution is booze and drugs until there's no place to go but up or you die. I wouldn't recommend that solution though, it's a lot tougher than it sounds.

OK, it sounds like you were with this guy for a short time....a year, two tops. And you're 35. No previous boy friends or at least none you were serious enough about, to be traumatized about breaking up with them?
So this is the first time you thought seriously about marriage and commitment?
Since you two had a number of issues and friction points that required a big effort to hurtle, why this guy? What did he bring to the table the others didn't? Or did you suddenly realize you're 35 and better settle down with somebody before it's too late and you end up an old maid?

With all the strife this relationship has brought you, I'm trying to figure out what you feel you are losing? What could he give you that someone else could not or you could get on your own? I think the key is to figure that out and then try to figure out how to get it without him.

Unless all you are feeling is failure, after trying so hard, perhaps for the first time, and coming up empty. Do you not want to be with your friends because you're embarrassed about failing. Remember that not all relationships work no matter how hard you try. They just weren't meant to be. That's not failure, that's reality, so don't take the blame for it. Failure is trying to force a relationship that you should walk away from, and end up unhappy for 20 or 30 years.

The only guaranteed cure is time, which is that last thing you want to hear, but true. The only thing you can do is try to keep busy, keep yourself amused while time does it's thing. I wish I had a magic bullet, secret potion, but that ain't gonna happen.
Did I mention drugs and booze?

[AgentApathy]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

OK, it sounds like you were with this guy for a short time....a year, two tops. And you're 35. No previous boy friends or at least none you were serious enough about, to be traumatized about breaking up with them?
So this is the first time you thought seriously about marriage and commitment?

Oh, I could only wish that that was the case. I was married for five years after dating for 2 1/2 years, so this isn't my first LTR (divorced in 2001). I felt serious enough about my ex, but we just didn't want kids together, and that was ok. This isn't my first relationship since my divorce, it's just the first time since then that I've felt that much or wanted a life with someone else. We were together for over a year, but it seems like so much longer.

I didn't mean to belittle you guys in any way by saying it's pathetic to be asking you all for advice, just that *I* feel pathetic not being able to handle my own issues. My line of thinking was "people break up every day and their lives don't end, why can't *I* get over it?" In fact, I'm sure there are walking wounded all over the place (4 of my friends have also become single again in the 10 days following my breakup), but that still is little consolation right now.

Sperlock, I'll probably be like you, still aching over this months later. My friends were stunned, saying when I told them of the breakup, "wow, I'm really sorry... I really thought you had found the one." (for future reference, that comment doesn't help...) I realize that I did a lot more giving and compromise in this relationship than he ever did, and I'm starting to realize that he's wayyyy too oversensitive and neurotic (hence why he's still unmarried 28 days from his 40th bday), but since I loved him anyway, none of that is speaking to my heart yet. *sigh*

Thanks for all of your replies and empathy. I feel a little less pathetic, which is something more than I had when I wrote all of that last night

[DucksNuts]

Oh A.A, I'm so sorry for your pain, I really am. I feel your pain, for putting your heart and soul into this relationship, to have him walk away.

I dont think you need to class this as an all new low though, the people here are *real* people and their advice is wonderful. Its great to spill this kinda stuff to people that arent close to you or your life as they often see things more clearly.

Anyways, being a long term member of the broken heart club, I shall give you my take on it....

You HAVE to allow yourself this time to grieve, its normal, its healthy and although it hurts like hell....its necessary.

Dont even think about moving onto someone else, its not fair to the other party or yourself....wait until you are over your heartbreak to start a new relationship. This might be a months time, or it might be in 6 months time (my problem is getting back on the horse).

Endorphins are like crack for me, so when I am depressed or down, I exercise. That might sound a bit daft, but you will be amazed how great you will feel, even if you just take a brisk walk....make it at your favorite time of day, take some up beat music and off you go.

Wallow in it, I find this helps occasionally. Put your favorite sad song on repeat and wallow like you have never wallowed before. Dim room, desired poison (chocolate, cheese n crackers, etc). Get your girlfriends over and watch that movie that makes you cry....just make a big nite of it.

I know I am basically over the worst of it when I wake in the morning (or middle of the nite) and not have that instant pain and realisation that its over....then I know I am moving on.

St John's Wort is a bit of a mood stabiliser and a common herb used to treat depression...it cant hurt?

Good luck doll, I wish you all the best

[Sperlock]

As DuckNuts stated, you have to allow yourself the time to grieve. Go to a friend that can be there to listen for you - and if not that, and if you feel you cannot deal with it on your own, then find a counselor.

I was dumped in October. I had been dating her for about only 5 months, but had strong feelings for her. While it hurt when I was dumped, it was nowhere as painful as I expected. But at the same time, I can still feel the effects of it once in a while, even now. What makes it all still difficult is the fact that I still love her, though I know it is pointless. I've been dating again, but have not found anyone yet. It is difficult for me to find someone I can connect with.

[Trilby]

I'm just going to throw this out there: If I read correctly, he wanted you when you didn't want him (begged you, even) and then when you decided to stick it out and work at it, he dropped you. He's a drama queen who only wants what he can't have--the moment he has it, he doesn't want it. The excuse of, "I can't handle the discord!" is just an excuse for him to leave coz he wanted to leave you anyway (after he hooked you, that is) Classic eff'd up behavior. Do NOT have children with this guy. You dodged a bullit. You should congratulate yourself.

[limey]

I tell myself "This is THE most painful thing I've ever experienced - but I WILL get over it".
Time is what you need, and while you're waiting repeat the above as necessary.

[Undertoad]

Seems to me to be one of the less pathetic situations to find one's self in.

[xoxoxoBruce]

(4 of my friends have also become single again in the 10 days following my breakup)

There you go, a built in MCSS (Mutual Consolation and Sympathy Society). Shared costs on bulk Kleenex, cheesecake, chocolate and chick flicks.

Remember probably near half the people around you are in the same boat, suffering their own personal hell.
Pathetic is not wanting to feel better. Pathetic is not being concerned enough about your mental health to ask for advice.
You are not pathetic, you are normal.

[Perry Winkle]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Seems to me to be one of the less pathetic situations to find one's self in.

It's definitely less pathetic than never having had anything to lose.

[Aliantha]

The last breakup I had to deal with took me years to get over although we did have two kids together, so there was a lot of guilt involved as well as all the rest.

All I can say is give yourself time. It really does heal, and when the time is right to move on and try again (and it will surely come), you'll know it. Till them, just be kind to yourself and don't spend too much time wondering what might have been, and realize what is instead. By that I mean, keep it real and remember to value all the positive things in your life.

[piercehawkeye45]

I am younger than most here and won't be able to give as good of advice as the people that posted before me but I do know a thing or two about getting over depression.

First, let out all of your emotions. Stress will build up on you fast in your current state and if you don't let out some of the stress you could easily become overwhelmed, which leads to worse things. It will also help you feel a lot better afterwords

Second, give yourself a sense of meaning. You can find everything in nothing. Try helping other people out with their problems and hopefully this will give you peace with yours. I also find that helping people out gives you confidence, which will be a must if you want to come out of a depression.

I hope that helps.

[Sundae]

All the the advice here is good, but Limey's matches most closely with mine.

To say I don't deal well with relationships ending is a bit of an understatement, even when I have been the one to leave. It takes me years to get over people and I can be in physical pain from it at the beginning. So trust me when I add my "time heals" opinion.

I'm really sorry you're hurting so badly right now. Here's hoping you and your friends can support eachother and help deal with the fallout together.

And any time you want to come on here and vent you know at least someone will understand. Whether you want advice, support or just somewhere to say, "Bloody hell, this still really huts!"

[smy]

You have got a lot of wise advice.

I'd say it is not good to escape too much the negative feelings. If they come, just meet them. They will not last forever. I mean acute emotions. They are ment to guide to solutions. If you do not find any in certain period, do not be dissapointed. Next time can be more successfull. Still it is not wise to taste too much hard emotions.

It might help to know something if you know the background of your feelings. I do not know for sure. You did a lot for your relationship and for him?. Helping someone does also help yourself. Sometimes you need to help someone to forget your own problems. They shrink. To give up a relationhip of this kind you have to face the life in a new way. Without the "help" of him.

Certainly you made an big effort at least for your own future. And all turn out to be waste of time. The are resalts that should be accepted by the time.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Your English is fine, smy....and welcome to the Cellar.