Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 234

Nirvana · 06-19-2010, 11:49 AM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

ZenGum · 06-19-2010, 06:38 PM

Have we had this yet?

The good news is that Ford and GM have developed cars that run on water. The bad news is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

Pie · 06-19-2010, 09:18 PM

TheMercenary · 06-21-2010, 04:05 AM

These were good.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

classicman · 06-21-2010, 09:11 AM

Oldies, but still worth a chuckle....

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
And I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad News when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the Hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem To get used to the taste.' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ...
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read ' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

TheMercenary · 06-21-2010, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

I was looking at the result of the soccer world cup in South Africa...

The French team is like an old bra...

No cup, and little support.

Did you hear about the imported fans for NK? That was humor in real life. They were rented actors from China.

squirell nutkin · 06-21-2010, 08:10 PM

How come the Pakistani soccer team has never won the world cup?

Every time they get a corner they open up a corner shop.

(I know I told this already)

Nirvana · 06-26-2010, 10:52 PM

A Drover walks into a bar
> with a pet crocodile by his side.

>He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
>He turns to the astonished patrons.
>'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and
>place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
>mouth for one minute.

>'Then he'll open his mouth
>and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
>In return for witnessing this
>spectacle,
>each of you will buy me a drink.'

>The crowd murmured their approval.
>The man stood up on the bar,
>dropped his trousers,
>and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's
>open mouth.
>The croc closed his mouth
>as the crowd gasped.
>After a minute,
>the man grabbed a beer
>bottle and smacked the
>crocodile really, really hard on the top of
>its head
>
>The croc opened his mouth
>and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
> promised.
>
>The crowd cheered,
>and the first of his free
>drinks were delivered.

>
>The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay
>anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
>
>A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
>in the back of the bar.

>A blonde woman timidly
>Spoke up..........
>'I'll try it -
>Just don't hit me so hard
>with the beer bottle!'

HungLikeJesus · 06-27-2010, 09:18 AM

Three men got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second man arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

BigV · 06-27-2010, 06:19 PM

It's aaaaaallllways about the chicken.... Well no more.

Why did the egg cross the road?

Because it had the inclination.

GunMaster357 · 06-28-2010, 03:25 AM

Three very old guys are sitting on a bench at the park discussing their health.

1st : "Me, with my rheumatism, it's damn nearly impossible to move around anymore"
2nd : "At least you still can read, my own eyesight is going downhill straight to hell"
3rd : "Me, I feel like a baby!"
1st : "And, pray tell, how is it so?"
3rd : "Well, I have no hair, no teeth, I need nursing... and I think I've just shit my pants..."

Gravdigr · 07-01-2010, 03:10 PM

Three old guys are walking down the street. One looks to the others and says "Sure is windy today." The second old man says "No, I think it's Thursday." The third says "Me, too. Let's grab a beer."

squirell nutkin · 07-01-2010, 03:24 PM

A blind man and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench and the rabbi takes a piece of matzoh out of his lunch bag and offers it to the blind man. The blind man takes it and then says to the Rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?"

Gravdigr · 07-02-2010, 02:34 AM

I'm smart as a horse, and hung like Einstein.

TheMercenary · 07-07-2010, 02:03 PM

Subject: Suicide bomber strike expected Monday

Late breaking news.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this July from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B. O. O. M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his hidy-hole in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihads in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.''

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and are reconsidering their benefit packages.

06-19-2010, 11:49 AM	#3496
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

06-19-2010, 06:38 PM	#3497
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Have we had this yet? The good news is that Ford and GM have developed cars that run on water. The bad news is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

06-19-2010, 09:18 PM	#3498
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	__________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

06-21-2010, 09:11 AM	#3500
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Oldies, but still worth a chuckle.... EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - And I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad News when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR 6. I was performing rounds at the Hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem To get used to the taste.' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read ' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name, 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' ' Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.... 9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-21-2010, 08:10 PM	#3502
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	How come the Pakistani soccer team has never won the world cup? Every time they get a corner they open up a corner shop. (I know I told this already) __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

06-21-2010, 04:05 AM	#3499
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	These were good. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' --------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' --------------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ......................................................................... The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

06-26-2010, 10:52 PM	#3503
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A Drover walks into a bar > with a pet crocodile by his side. >He puts the crocodile up on the bar. >He turns to the astonished patrons. >'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and >place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his >mouth for one minute. >'Then he'll open his mouth >and I'll remove my unit unscathed. >In return for witnessing this >spectacle, >each of you will buy me a drink.' >The crowd murmured their approval. >The man stood up on the bar, >dropped his trousers, >and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's >open mouth. >The croc closed his mouth >as the crowd gasped. >After a minute, >the man grabbed a beer >bottle and smacked the >crocodile really, really hard on the top of >its head > >The croc opened his mouth >and the man removed his genitals unscathed as > promised. > >The crowd cheered, >and the first of his free >drinks were delivered. > >The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay >anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' > >A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up >in the back of the bar. >A blonde woman timidly >Spoke up.......... >'I'll try it - >Just don't hit me so hard >with the beer bottle!' __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

06-27-2010, 09:18 AM	#3504
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Three men got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second man arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

06-27-2010, 06:19 PM	#3505
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	It's aaaaaallllways about the chicken.... Well no more. Why did the egg cross the road? Because it had the inclination. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

06-28-2010, 03:25 AM	#3506
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Three very old guys are sitting on a bench at the park discussing their health. 1st : "Me, with my rheumatism, it's damn nearly impossible to move around anymore" 2nd : "At least you still can read, my own eyesight is going downhill straight to hell" 3rd : "Me, I feel like a baby!" 1st : "And, pray tell, how is it so?" 3rd : "Well, I have no hair, no teeth, I need nursing... and I think I've just shit my pants..." __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

07-01-2010, 03:10 PM	#3507
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Three old guys are walking down the street. One looks to the others and says "Sure is windy today." The second old man says "No, I think it's Thursday." The third says "Me, too. Let's grab a beer." __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

07-01-2010, 03:24 PM	#3508
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	A blind man and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench and the rabbi takes a piece of matzoh out of his lunch bag and offers it to the blind man. The blind man takes it and then says to the Rabbi, "Who wrote this crap?" __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

07-02-2010, 02:34 AM	#3509
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	See, Here's My Problem... I'm smart as a horse, and hung like Einstein. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

07-07-2010, 02:03 PM	#3510
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Subject: Suicide bomber strike expected Monday Late breaking news. Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this July from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B. O. O. M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth". Speaking from his hidy-hole in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihads in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.'' Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and are reconsidering their benefit packages. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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