oh shir.. uh so no bounds?
we'll start off nice..
how do you get a one arm pollock out of a tree?
A:wave

why do altar boys have their hair parted to either side
say good alrar boy while moving your hands in an 'inappropiate' manner

I was asked to run a marathon and I said "no chance".
Then I was told it was for blind and disabled kids so I thought fuck it, I could win that!

Michael Jackson bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the best book he's ever read.

Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick". Boss says "When i'm sick, I fuck my wife, Try that". Two hours later, Chinese fella rings back "me feel better. You got nice house".

Man calls his boss. "I won't be in today, i'm sick". Boss says "how sick?" Man says "i'm in bed with my sister".

Q: How do you stop black guys from hanging around in your front yard?

A: Hang one in the back yard.

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A really old Jewish man wins the largest California Lottery jackpot in history and he's on television when they ask him if he'd like to say anything. He says, "Yes. I'd like to thank Hitler for this money." The stunned reporter asks, "Hitler?!? You want to thank Hitler???" The old man rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm and says, "Yep. He's the one who gave me the numbers."

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Q: What's long black and stinky?

A: The unemployment line

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Q: What do you call a black man with a PhD in Astrophysics, and another PhD in Microbiology?

A: Nigger.

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Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a microwave?

A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

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Q: How many Mexicans does it take to lube your car?

A: One, but you've got to hit him just right.

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Q: How was the Grand Canyon created?

A: A Jewish guy dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

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Q: How come Jewish guys wear that little cap on their head?

A: Because they don't want to pay for the propeller to go with it.

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Q: What do you get when Mexicans and Mormons have kids together?

A: A cellar full of stolen food.

The mormon one made me lmao. I suspect you've lapsed on your ACLU dues though. :lol:

Q: What do you get when mexicans and blacks have children?

A: Kids that are too lazy to steal.

NEWSFLASH: Michael Jackson has been sentenced to 10 years in jail. The judge told him to think himself lucky, if he'd have been black, it would have been 20.

How do you break a Texan's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
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What sign hangs in every public Men's washroom in Poland?
"PLEASE DO NOT EAT THE MINTS"
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What do you get when you cross a Jew and a pig?
Nothing, there's some things even pigs won't fuck.

Did you hear about the new Jewish gameshow?
It's called "The Price Is Too High"
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Did you hear about the new black gameshow?
It's called "the Price Is Wrong, BITCH!"

what's the worst part about being Sammy Davis Junior?
having to sit at the back of the oven

what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
getting her back in the wheel chair

What a great thread. Sorry I'm late but I'm on the wrong side of the world.


An American, an Australian and a Canadian were drinking in a bar one day. They had solve all the world’s problems and it was getting a bit dull.

The American downs his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass. He turns to the other two and says ” America is such a rich country you never have to drink out of the same glass twice.”

The Aussie ponders for a while and the light comes on. He downs his beer, throws the glass in the air , picks up the gun and shoots it. “Australia is such a huge land and we have so much sand we never have to drink out of the same glass twice.

Now the Canadian is screwed. He thinks long and hard. The other two are glaring at him. All of a sudden he downs his beer, picks up the gun and shoots the American. He turns to the Aussie and says “ Canada is such a beautiful country but there are so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice!”

~reminds me of one i read in High Times:

One fine day on a train:

There's a Biker, a Russian, a Cuban, and a Lawyer ( sorry Glatt). They're havin' a fine time talking and hanging out, when the Cuban takes out 4 primo Cuban cigars and passes them around. They are all very appreciative, but amazed when the Cuban takes a few puffs of his, and then throws it out the window.

The Biker says, "damn, son, wadja do that for?! That was a $30 cigar!"

The Cuban says, " well, in my country, cigars are so plentiful....it's really not that big of a deal."

The Biker is doubtful, but sits back and enjoys his cigar. The next thing he knows, the Russian is handing him and the other passengers bottles of top shelf Russian Vodka. Perfect, he thinks. A great cigar, and a whole bottle of premium Vodka. He is again amazed, however, when the Russian takes a couple pulls from his bottle, and throws IT out the window.

"What the hell did you do that for, Ivan?!"

The Russian chuckles, and says that vodka is like water in Russia, don;t get so excited.

The Biker thinks on this for a moment, takes a big pull on his bottle, a puff from his cigar, and then grabs the lawyer and throws him out the window.

an eight year old boy comes home from school one day and says to his dad, "Daddy, what's a cunt?"

"A cunt?! where did you hear that?!" his dad says, appalled.
The boy shrugs, " I heard it at school. what does it mean?"
His dad rubs his chin for a moment, thinking about how to handle this, and decides that honesty is the best policy. " come with me," he says. " your mom is taking a nap. maybe i can show you."
The two of them crep silently up the stairs, and dad ever so carefully lifts mom's nightgown, exposing her crotch. " Now. you see that hairy triangle with the pink squiggles in it?"

The son says, " yes"
dad says, " That's a vagina. The rest of it's a cunt"
:rimshot:

yeah so I got a little redundant.. oops beer+typing=bad

why don't mexicans have BBQ's?
the beans keep falling thru the grill

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.

The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

( I think this one may have been used before)

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

oh yeah..
what do you say to micheal jackson at the beach?
HEY! get outa my son!

how do you know when it's bedtime at micheal jacksons house?
when the big hand touches the little hand