(Re the SUV broad...) She's Professional Grade. Get used to it.

You didn't spoil my fantasy. I think 95% of women have just a touch of lesbian in 'em. My fantasy is alive and well. :)

Damn, I just remembered some good Jesus jokes after posting about the Bible in the other thread...

<B>Q:</B> Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?

<B>A:</B> They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Jesus walks into an inn, throws three nails down on the counter, and says "can you put me up for the night?"

And my favorite one.. it's a visual joke, but at least you can tell it to others even if it's not funny written down:

<B>Q:</B> Why do all the chicks dig Jesus?

<B>A:</B><I> (Stretch both hands outwards, like in a "fish that got away" pose).</I> Because he's hung like this.

Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 

Now wait a second, it seems that someone has jumped the gun a little here. Just two things, for the record here:

1. I created the lesbian in the joke therefore as HER creator I maintain that she is a lesbian who still believes that most, if not all men are meant to be controlled by women as mere fools.

2. The handy man smokes massive amounts of crack cocaine and, after passing the bong back and forth a few times she totaly forgets that she is a lesbian and then she does the handy man. She would try once again to remind herself somehow the next morning to once and for all screw the godamm thing in this time. It was a daily ritual that required very much memory and wind power until one day they both found themselves homeless and somewhat high on crack, and finally converted to solar.

THE END?

: ]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 

You should probably get a copy of The Sims so you can work out these power fantasies in a safe venue. :-)

<i>How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but in the great old days of the Republic hundreds of servants would leap to change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim!</i>

Can't be...because 10% of them have more than "just a touch". :-)

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 

C'mon now, you are challenging original humor with historic facts. I don't really put much thought into these posts and that should be obvious. You seem to be analyzing it a bit too much, albeit equally as harmless as a good poke or two at an original joke. And the name of this thread is..? Thanks for the input though: ], and good for the godesses of today and yesteryear- in both fact and legend.

:]

I dunno, but I am visually approaching this question soley from the point of view of the guy on the other side of an ink blot, and I really do this sort of thing just for fun. Not to offend anyone in any case. Here is my best guess: Most guys prefer their meat dead and already cooked? How'd I do this time?

: ]

vegetables? thats what food eats!

~james

If she's brain-dead why waste the time on foreplay.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 

Okay now .... let's get the paraphenalia nomenclature straight here.

A bong is a water-pipe used for smoking marijuana.

Crack cocaine is smoked using a "stem" which does not contain a water chamber, and may be constructed of glass (for fancy upscale users) or the largest piece of a telescoping antenna (your basic, average, crack stole my life users). I have confiscated more antennas, although the cleverest version I saw came from a prisoner who had fashioned a combination shiv, potato peeler & crack stem in his spare time at the county correctional facility.

The wheelchairs get in the way.

Perth - I have that Shoe cartoon up on my wall. Good one!

thats from a shoe cartoon? i wondered where i got that from.

~james

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 

Oh no, do you have any idea what you have just done? Now everyone at this forum knows how to smoke crack, there goes the neighborhood!!

Just kidding:], seriously though they were a really fucked up couple who never did things the way others would expect. My error was purely intentional and also a very direct result of never having smoked that stuff myself.

Regards,

J03L10T

: )

I'm sorry Wolf-
 

I forgot about that one, must have taken your reply to my usual nonsense as a verbal attack of sorts upon my joke. I am a writer and not a very good one most of the time, ordinary is exactly what most people tend to want to allow others to try and sell. It was just another joke. Sorry again.

j03, dude ...

No offense taken, and my delivery is often misunderstood as criticism when it is not. It's all in good fun, Bro.

Apologies to you too ...

Okay...this apology shit has GOT to stop. :)

Hell no
 

WE WON'T GO:)

Re: Hell no
 

Is that right? Well, I'll just have to break out the Little Black Book and call all those supposed folks you worked for...you know what they did with the woman who claimed to sing on Paula Abdul's albums, right?

:)

Please accept my most sincere apology for not apologizing sooner.

Acknowledgment is a stain on our nation's soul. There is no other way to describe it. It represents one of our lowest moments in our history, I grew up in an environment that condoned policies and views that we now know were wrong and immoral, and I repudiate them. Atonement and concession are immoral, and I again apologize for not apologizing much sooner than this. It is my hope that you will understand that this was a mistake of my ass and not my heart. I regret not having shown more heartfelt regret much sooner and I apologize again, for not apologizing. I’m really sorry for my words, they were poorly chosen and insensitive, and I apologize for not regretting not apologizing.

<B>I agree Trent, enough is enough and if people don't accept it they need to get a life :) </B>

I'm so sorry that I'm going to take an hour of TV time to air various things that may or may not convince people that I actually am sorry.

Re: Re: Hell no
 

They fucked her? Be my guest, amd while you are at it say hey to Celine Dion for me. Man, what an incredible bod.:)

All apologies accepted-
 

Your mistakes are actually a greater part of the solution than any of you may have ever thought to have considered. We learn from them. We move on and realize that things we do as children are not any indicator of the true character and underlying values of even young adults. I learned a lot of usefull things and accept you as you are.:)

Not so much a joke as a (slightly) funny story...
 

I was walking out of one of the local 'gay' (it goes in quotes b/c I think #hetero>#homo) bars a couple of years ago at closing time. It is important to note (for the purposes of the story) that I am not a homosexual. As I'm walking out the door with my friend TM (who is gay) we hear an extremely drunk voice ask (to TM):
Drunk: "Is that your boyfriend?"
TM: (looks at me and laughs)"No, no he is not."
Drunk:"Oh." (five second pause)"Well, that's okay, take him home and fuck him anyway."

WHEEEEE!!!!! I love it when people get so drunk they can't stand up on their own!

And.....to make up for that last one:
What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
-1)The check is in your mouth.
-2)I won't come in the mail.

Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!

why did god invent whiskey?

to keep the irish from taking over the world.

:)

~james

Re: Not so much a joke as a (slightly) funny story...
 

Ah ... changes in perspective ... I used to enjoy using drunks as playthings for head games cuz they were such easy targets. But I have promised to use these superpowers only on the side of the forces of good (well mostly) so I don't do that anymore.

Now when I deal with someone that drunk, i think of two things ... one, how much extra paperwork I'm going to have to deal with because I had to send some stupid drunken motherfucker to the ER for medical clearance, and two, the relative tranquility, once that paperwork is completed, because said jackass will not be back in my waiting room until long after my shift is over.

Personally I like the Listerine drunks the best. They're just as toasted as the beer/whiskey drunks, but at least they're minty-fresh.

HAHAHAHA!

This just in-
 

Thugs have hijacked a truck containing a huge shipment of viagra. The police as well as other local authorities are advising citizens of the community to be on the look out for hardened criminals.:)

Open wide and say-
 

Um, think I'm going to pay more attention to what other people are saying from now on. I know what I actually did, so it's not right for me to have made such a comment. I'm not going to repeat it, I'm actually honored in a strange and unexpected way. Joined at the hip, over and beyond the mountain. It's true, but I apologize for that fucked up comment, I just didn't know and will pay more attention from now on. Please accept my apology for the careless joke, of course I still think the world of you!:)

1. I thought we were done apologizing.

2. j03, I have absolutely no clue what you're apologizing for. :confused: (I thought the viagra joke was funny ...)

1. Sorry again. I love making up.:)

2. Sure wish I could take full credit for that one, caught it on the Letterman show one night long ago.:)

Two guys go into a not so very well lit tavern of midevil design. "Bartender", the first one shouts into the darkness. No reply. Once again the first one shouts out for a drink and the bartender doesn't seem to notice. Then the second one says "he's deaf, don't you get it already?". The first one says to the second one, "you are shitting me, right?". "I am absolutely not" says number two and adds "not only that but the moron can't see so the drinks are absolutely on the house and FREE of charge". -Something a little tiny and ignorant monkey once told me.
AHAHAHH.

Good night.:)

wtf?

Simply implying-
 

Two wrongs don't make a right but inevitably, everyone pays for what they do. Jacob's ladder, according to theory you make your own hell worse than it ever had to be by misleading others into causing others to suffer much harder than they ever really should have. It's just a joke. Get it?

seems like a lot of thinking. not sure its funny even then. but i did like the viagra one. :)

~james

Diary of a Madman
 

Yeah, it took massive amounts of thought considering that I did not write the track "little dolls", but was handed to me on paper once for me to sing. The guy who lip synced it a few times on stage did not write it so yeah- aspirin is a very welcome element in this overly knowledgeable reality at present moment.
-the little doll is YOU? I just dunno and thank heavens for the ever present reality of voice altering headgear during orthodontics (as well as the original vocal recordings of the first few solo abums). I wrote and sang the past three solo albums in 1984, with merely an upper retainer firmly in position.

I must be the devil since the southern baptists say so, right? Although I volunteered to a david bowie looking mother fucker, I don't recall volunteering to be the 'devil', ever. Don't ever ask me to go to church with you, or why I ever dared jesus to 'come back', after the life of torment I have lived. Mostly in part and way shape and form of a most painful and undetected upon birth, defect. Don't try to define me, I will only embarass you and without at all meaning to. None of you ever knew what you were purposely shitting on through your ignorantely worded euphorisms and immature and not so well informed mis-actions.

But I still maintain in my own usual and hopeless (to you) course of merely wishfull thnking that I might just be able to overlook your own thoughtless ways when it is YOUR turn to have to pretend to be just totally stupid just to insure that everything remains the way you think it should be. If you want to know the answer, whatever you do- don't ask me.:)

OK, this one's better in person . . . but here goes:

Joe Sixpack is nursing a brew on a barstool next to some pencil-necked French guy. Pierre, drinking a Mai Tai, periodically (and subtly) sniffs his finger and murmurs to himself "Aaah, Fifi." After he does this a few times, Joe asks Pierre's what's up with the finger-thing?

"Oh, mon ami, I am sorry to disturb you, but I was just with my girlfriend, Fifi, and her lovely scent still lingers on my finger."

Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle!"



New to the Cellar but having fun watching the antics. I'm not so sure I should get too close to some of the cages though -- you know what they say about the Jaguars; when they turn their backs to you and lift their tails, it's time to run!

99 44/100% pure

Jag, put your tail down and turn around...good boy.

Gee. Myrtle's purfume must have been quite strong to leave the scent on his entire arm. He must have leaned up against her right after she applied it. :D

What do you get when you cross a mule with an onion?
 

An ass that runs forever.:)

Can't believe my last post here yesterday. Shocking but most truthful, that's why I am leaving it there.

truly yours,

joe q. elliot

Today's pic-
 

http://poltergeists.xoasis.com/work4sex.jpg

This is the girl from the converted lesbian/crackhead/handyman joke, after she disposed of the body.:)

Don't know if you are still posting here, but how so? Please explain.

Quote:

It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.

Ok, so anyone not speaking out against "tasteless jokes" are automatically "bad"? Again, please explain this theory.

[QUOTE}I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists. [/quote]

Believe what you wish. It doesn't make it TRUTH.

Very well put, I think. Lady Syc I have to applaude you for pointing out the fact that everyone is different in their own way, and many jump to conclusions about what they may read or see whether online or another reality altogether. I think that some contributng factors vary in this case, ranging from various drug habits, overall contentness with life in general, and also the way others may have been raised to perceive the words and actions of others (to name just a few). I believe it would probably do someone out there a favor to notice the way that last sentence begins with the words "I THINK", instead of "I KNOW". I read something to that effect in one of Syc's poems on his personal home page that really struck a very deep chord with me and although it read as a simple poem at first, I don't know very many others that could address such an issue so directly with very few words. It sticks to me to this very day and I am looking forward to reading the others, hopefully when I am off again and actually have the patience to read instead of write my own. But yeah, it does always suck when someone doesn't appear to have much of a sense of humor, especially when it seems to them that instigating a 'holy' witch hunt is the only proper response, I think. Something else I THINK, the best way to deal with this sort of individual is to forgive them for their ignorance and lack of understanding. I usually ask them if they are taking their medication and chances are that if they don't laugh and smile with you, just apologize for the joke and move on. But we don't do that sort of thing at a thread named "Truly Tasteless Jokes", now do we?:)

<b>How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?</b>

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY DICK.

Thank you, Dave, for taking the time to revive this most excellent of all threads.

And now...

Why did God invent women?

Because sheep can't type.

What's the difference between a feminist and a sumo wrestler?

Sumo wrestlers don't have hairy legs.

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

^
 

My brain just turned to guacamole and leaked out my ears.

Reviving the lost art.....
 

Ok While at plastic forks this year i told this joke(kindof).. and was informed of this thread.. so i thought i'd revive it.... but people please try and stay on topic. and Please no anti-tasteless joke comments... we don't care...


SO a blond a brunette and a red head are sitting at a bar. They are all laughing and talking... untill the topic of their boyfriends comes up. So they start bragging about how loose they are.
The Red says, " I'm so loose that my boyfriend can stick Two fists in me"

The Brunette scoffs, " I'm so... loose that my boyfriend can fit both his fists and a foot in me"

The Blond looks at them nerviously and shifts her weight, then turns and looks at the other two with a grin as she slides down the barstool.

1. WHAT DO YOU CALL A CUPBOARD FULL OF LESBIANS? ... A LICKER CABINET.

2. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ESKIMO LESBIAN? ... A KLONDYKE.

3. WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 LESBIANS WITH GUNS? ... MILITIA ETHRIDGE.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 LESBIANS IN A CANOE? ... FUR TRADERS.

5. WHAT IS A LESBIAN DINOSAUR CALLED? ... A LICKALOTAPUSS.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN WITH LONG FINGERS? ... WELL HUNG.

7. WHAT DO TWO LESBIANS DO WHEN THEY ARE HAVING THEIR PERIODS? ... FINGERPAINT. (EEEWWWWW)

8. WHAT DO LESBIANS CALL AN OPEN CAN OF TUNA? ... POTPOURRI.

9. WHAT DID THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO HER PARTNER? ... SEE YOU NEXT PERIOD.

10. DID YOU HEAR THAT ELLEN DEGENERES DROWNED? ... SHE WAS FOUND FACE DOWN IN RICKI LAKE.

11. HOW CAN YOU TELL A TOUGH LESBIAN BAR? ... EVEN THE POOL TABLE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS.

12. DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAG IS? ... IT'S WHEN A MAN WEARS EVERYTHING A LESBIAN WON'T.

13. WHAT DO YOU CALL LESBIAN TWINS? ... LICK-A-LIKES.

14. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A LESBIAN IS BUTCH? ... SHE KICK-STARTS HER VIBRATOR AND ROLLS HER OWN TAMPONS.

15. WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF CONFUSION? ... TWENTY BLIND LESBIANS IN A FISH MARKET.

16. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RITZ CRACKER AND A LESBIAN? ... ONE'S A SNACK CRACKER, THE OTHER A CRACK SNACKER!

How about some visual stupidity??

Or,

Or,,

and finaly,