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Very nice, zippyt. I especially got a kick out of the first two. :)
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Giggle, giggle.
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Planned books cancelled on 9-12-01
“Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis” “Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will go on Like This Forever” “Carry On: It's Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security” “Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World” “Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World” “Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?” “How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax” “‘Jihad’? Wasn't She On ‘Moesha’?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans’ Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures” “The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed” “Stem Cell Research: George W. Bush's defining moment” “How to Look Afghan” “Take a Powder!: The kid's guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances” |
Hehehehehe. Those are all pretty good. :)
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Yeh, like a month. Yeesh. :)
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what do a penguin and JFK jr have in common?
both cute as hell and neither of them can fly. |
Timmy and his grandfather went fishing one day.
about a half an hour in, grandpa takes out a beer and starts to drink it. "hey grandpa, can i have a sip of your beer?", timmy says. Grandpa says," well let me ask you a question: can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Timmy is appalled. " no! I'm only 10 yrs old!" grandpa says, " well until you can, no beer" about a half an hour later, grandpa lights a cigar. Same question by timmy, same answer. yet another half hour later TIMMY gets out a bag of oreos and stars to eat them. Grandpa says," hey timmy, let me have one of those cookies>" Timmy says," let me ask you a question: can you touch your asshle with the tip of your penis?" Grandpa gets a proud look on his face and says,"yes i can!" timmy: " Good. go fuck yourself, these are MY oreos!" |
lol. consider that one stolen...but i won't take credit.
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What'd the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip." nyuk, nyuk, nyuk |
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference
in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse was getting louder and frightening customers away. So, he called the store manager who said: "What's the problem here Reverend?" Jesse continued to bemoan that all the washing machines were white. The manager remarked, "Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines are white, if you open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black." |
What's Michael Jackson's favorite college?
"Bring 'em" Young University hahahaha. |
What's black and blue and hates sex?
the five year old in the trunk of my car. |
The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her
students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys." "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. " Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas." |
I am committing this one to memory, Wolf. Hysterical.
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A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy .... SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall.... Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ?????? The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says... He was ALREADY DEAD :headshake OR> |
A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn. MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times and THROWS it against the wall.... The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says... He wasn't DEAD |
Q: Why did the black guy carry a peice of shit in his wallet?
A: Identification |
Q) Why do black people throw trash out in clear plastic bags?
A) So Mexicans can go window-shopping Q) How was copper wire invented? A) Two Jews fighting over a penny Q) How many black people does it take to pave a driveway? A) 5 if you slice them thin enough Q) What do you say to a black guy in a suit? A) "Will the defendant please rise..." Q) What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A) One less drunk Q) Why wouldn't JFK have been a good boxer? A) He couldn't take a shot to the head Q) How many men does it take to open a can of beer? A) None, it better be open when she brings it to you Q) WHy do Montrealers fuck doggie-style so much? A) So that they both can watch the Canadiens game Q) Why do women have legs? A) So that they can leave after you're done fuckin' 'em Q) What is another name for a family reunion in Alabama? A) An orgy Q) What do you call 50 white guys chasing a black guy? A) The PGA |
SlickDrifter and Guyute - those are disgusting!!!
Thank you! :) |
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her." |
Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Free ham. |
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. -I don't know why I like those jokes so much...the more offensive to me as a woman, the funnier they are! |
Mrs. Warner's thrid grade class was asked to come to school with a short story that had a moral attached to it.
Susie raised her hand and told the following story: "My daddy is a chicken rancher and one day I set two dozen eggs in the incubator but only eighteen of them hatched." "What's the moral of your story, Susie?" asked Mrs. Warner. "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!" "Very good Susie, anyone else?" Mary raised her hand and expounded thus: "My daddy also raises chickens and one day I was collecting eggs for the farmer's market so igot the biggest basket we had and I put every egg I found in it. I loaded it nto the back of the pickup truck and on the way to the market the truck hit a big bump and all the eggs fell out the back and were smashed." "Oh that's so terrible, Mary. What would you say the moral to that story is?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Excellent Mary. Anyone else?" Bruce raises his hand and tells the following story: "Uncle Bud was a fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he was deep behind enemy lines when his plane was hit. He ejected and barely had time to grab his survival kit. On the way down in his parachute he opened his kit and pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one long gulp. He dug deeper and found a case of beer, he drank every can, one after the other on the way down. When he landed, he noticed that he was surrounded by 75 vietcong. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 40 of them before he ran out of bullets, then he threw his gun to the ground, grabbed his machete and killed 20 of them before his machete broke in two. So he killed the last 15 of them with his bare hands!" The class was stunned silent, a few of the more sensitive kids were begining to cry, Mrs. Warner looked at Bruce and asked: "What on earth could the moral of that story possibly be?" Bruce replied, "You don't fuck with Uncle Bud when he's been drinking." |
LOL foot...
This flight leaves New York and just over halfway across the Atlantic, the pilot announces over the intercom "Sorry folks but we just lost an engine. We forgot to load chutes so one of the passengers must make the supreme sacrifice so that the rest of the plane may live." This Jew stands up without hesitation, runs over to the door, flings it open, and shouts "Remember the Holocaust!" then flings himself out to his death. 20 minutes later the pilot announces "Sorry folks, we are having trouble with an engine so even though it is not gone, we are now over-loaded so I must call upon the passengers to select someone to sacrifice themselves so that the plane will make it." This priest stands up, serenely walks over to the door, pulls it up, and makes the sign of The Cross, says to the rest of the passengers "Remember Jesus' sacrifice" then flings himself out. Shortly after, the pilot says "We just lost the 2nd engine. We know the last engine will get us landed safely but unfortunately ONE MORE passenger must make the supreme sacrifice." Without hesitation this big Texan runs over and grabs a Mexican seated near him, drags him to the door and flings him to his death, yelling "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!" |
Q: How does every ethnic joke begin?
A: By looking over your shoulder Q: What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? A: Coach Q: How do you know if an Asian robbed your house? A: Your homework's done, your computer's upgraded, but 2 hours later the fucker's still trying to back out of the driveway -And this is the world's best answer if anyone ever tells a Jewish joke in front of you. Act all indignant and say: "Hey, my grandfather died at Auschwitz!" Everyone will get all quiet and uncomfortable. Then softly say, "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower." |
What's better than fucking a 5-year old Vietnamese kid?
Nothin' |
what did one gay sperm say to the other?
"I can't see a THING with all this SHIT in here!" |
OMG Noodle, that is officially THE sickest joke I have ever heard- and funny!!!
What did Stevie Wonder say when he was old enough to realize he had been born blind? "Coulda been worse- I could have been born Black" Q) What is the best method of bringing a woman to orgasm? A) Who cares? This Polish guy with a parrot on his head walks into a bar. The bartender says "Whoa, where did he come from?" The parrot replies "I don't know, it started growing out of my ass one day." How can you tell when the helicopter approaching is Italian-made? It goes "wop, wop, wop" |
Q: what is the worsr part of eating a vegetable
A: getting her back in the wheelchair |
oh shir.. uh so no bounds?
we'll start off nice.. how do you get a one arm pollock out of a tree? A:wave |
why do altar boys have their hair parted to either side
say good alrar boy while moving your hands in an 'inappropiate' manner |
I was asked to run a marathon and I said "no chance".
Then I was told it was for blind and disabled kids so I thought fuck it, I could win that! Michael Jackson bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the best book he's ever read. Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick". Boss says "When i'm sick, I fuck my wife, Try that". Two hours later, Chinese fella rings back "me feel better. You got nice house". Man calls his boss. "I won't be in today, i'm sick". Boss says "how sick?" Man says "i'm in bed with my sister". |
Q: How do you stop black guys from hanging around in your front yard?
A: Hang one in the back yard. ===================== A really old Jewish man wins the largest California Lottery jackpot in history and he's on television when they ask him if he'd like to say anything. He says, "Yes. I'd like to thank Hitler for this money." The stunned reporter asks, "Hitler?!? You want to thank Hitler???" The old man rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm and says, "Yep. He's the one who gave me the numbers." ===================== Q: What's long black and stinky? A: The unemployment line ===================== Q: What do you call a black man with a PhD in Astrophysics, and another PhD in Microbiology? A: Nigger. ===================== Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a microwave? A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat. ===================== Q: How many Mexicans does it take to lube your car? A: One, but you've got to hit him just right. ===================== Q: How was the Grand Canyon created? A: A Jewish guy dropped a quarter down a gopher hole. ===================== Q: How come Jewish guys wear that little cap on their head? A: Because they don't want to pay for the propeller to go with it. ===================== Q: What do you get when Mexicans and Mormons have kids together? A: A cellar full of stolen food. |
The mormon one made me lmao. I suspect you've lapsed on your ACLU dues though. :lol:
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Q: What do you get when mexicans and blacks have children?
A: Kids that are too lazy to steal. |
NEWSFLASH: Michael Jackson has been sentenced to 10 years in jail. The judge told him to think himself lucky, if he'd have been black, it would have been 20.
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How do you break a Texan's finger?
Punch him in the nose. ---------------------- What sign hangs in every public Men's washroom in Poland? "PLEASE DO NOT EAT THE MINTS" ---------------------- What do you get when you cross a Jew and a pig? Nothing, there's some things even pigs won't fuck. |
Did you hear about the new Jewish gameshow?
It's called "The Price Is Too High" ------------------- Did you hear about the new black gameshow? It's called "the Price Is Wrong, BITCH!" |
what's the worst part about being Sammy Davis Junior?
having to sit at the back of the oven what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? getting her back in the wheel chair |
What a great thread. Sorry I'm late but I'm on the wrong side of the world.
An American, an Australian and a Canadian were drinking in a bar one day. They had solve all the world’s problems and it was getting a bit dull. The American downs his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass. He turns to the other two and says ” America is such a rich country you never have to drink out of the same glass twice.” The Aussie ponders for a while and the light comes on. He downs his beer, throws the glass in the air , picks up the gun and shoots it. “Australia is such a huge land and we have so much sand we never have to drink out of the same glass twice. Now the Canadian is screwed. He thinks long and hard. The other two are glaring at him. All of a sudden he downs his beer, picks up the gun and shoots the American. He turns to the Aussie and says “ Canada is such a beautiful country but there are so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice!” |
~reminds me of one i read in High Times:
One fine day on a train: There's a Biker, a Russian, a Cuban, and a Lawyer ( sorry Glatt). They're havin' a fine time talking and hanging out, when the Cuban takes out 4 primo Cuban cigars and passes them around. They are all very appreciative, but amazed when the Cuban takes a few puffs of his, and then throws it out the window. The Biker says, "damn, son, wadja do that for?! That was a $30 cigar!" The Cuban says, " well, in my country, cigars are so plentiful....it's really not that big of a deal." The Biker is doubtful, but sits back and enjoys his cigar. The next thing he knows, the Russian is handing him and the other passengers bottles of top shelf Russian Vodka. Perfect, he thinks. A great cigar, and a whole bottle of premium Vodka. He is again amazed, however, when the Russian takes a couple pulls from his bottle, and throws IT out the window. "What the hell did you do that for, Ivan?!" The Russian chuckles, and says that vodka is like water in Russia, don;t get so excited. The Biker thinks on this for a moment, takes a big pull on his bottle, a puff from his cigar, and then grabs the lawyer and throws him out the window. |
an eight year old boy comes home from school one day and says to his dad, "Daddy, what's a cunt?"
"A cunt?! where did you hear that?!" his dad says, appalled. The boy shrugs, " I heard it at school. what does it mean?" His dad rubs his chin for a moment, thinking about how to handle this, and decides that honesty is the best policy. " come with me," he says. " your mom is taking a nap. maybe i can show you." The two of them crep silently up the stairs, and dad ever so carefully lifts mom's nightgown, exposing her crotch. " Now. you see that hairy triangle with the pink squiggles in it?" The son says, " yes" dad says, " That's a vagina. The rest of it's a cunt" :rimshot: |
yeah so I got a little redundant.. oops beer+typing=bad
why don't mexicans have BBQ's? the beans keep falling thru the grill A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” ( I think this one may have been used before) An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?" |
oh yeah..
what do you say to micheal jackson at the beach? HEY! get outa my son! how do you know when it's bedtime at micheal jacksons house? when the big hand touches the little hand |
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!" "Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Buy why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing." |
More proof that jokes get recycled.
I heard this version 35 years ago: Why are Baptists against pre-marital sex? It leads to dancing. |
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
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Jews don't recognize jesus as the messiah.
Protestants don't recognize the pope as emmissary of god. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. |
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This American businessman decides to go to Japan to see about buying some goods. As he arrives too late to meet the Japanese people that he would be dealing with, he arranges to meet one of them for a round of golf the next day, then hits the bar.
He is well-buzzed when this gorgeous Japanese woman sits down, and sure enough, the two hit off and after several more drinks, they head up to his room. Soon enough the two of them are screwing like crazy, with the booze they both drank fuelling the fire. After several minutes of them fucking like crazy, he tells her to turn over and goes at her equally passionately doggie-style. Suddenly she starts jumping all over and yelling "mookee wannee, mookee wannneeee". He thinks to himself, "boy, am I giving her the drilling of a lifetime!!!". They finish and she soon pulls on her clothes and leaves. The next morning he meets his Japanese partner and head for the golf course. After doing so-so for the first three holes, he sinks a long 40-foot putt. Waving his putter, he remembers the woman from the night before and yells "mookee wannee! Mookee Wannie!!" The Japanese guy looks at him quizzically and says, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole'??" |
Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A: An erection. i'm so so sorry. |
I know this is an old post...but I came across it and just had to add to it lol
What do you do when you catch your wife watching TV? Shorten the chain in the kitchen! What do you call a bunch of black people in a field? Antique farm equipment Knock Knock Who's there? Little Boy Blue Little boy blue who? Little boy blue michael jackson! |
Guy is going down on a hooker... really having great time and suddenly he stops, pops-up looking confused and takes a kernel of corn out of his mouth.
He goes back to it with gusto, good for him, getting his money's worth... he kinda' swirls around a bit hesitantly though for a second and pop-back-up again and looks at her while she turns the page and pulls out a hair and then a piece of carrot. He looks at it inquisitively but is not deterred. He is havin' a good time tonight goddamn-it, he earned it and what-the-hell... back at it... Ok.. this is the last damn straw, as he spits out the pea... "lady are you sick or sum-in?' Turning the page...."No, but the guy before you was". How does a redneck mom know that her daughter has begun menstruating? Her son's dick tastes different. |
Q: What do you call two lesbians on their period?
A: Fingerpainting Q: How do you get a gay guy, to fuck a chick? A: Shit in her cunt. |
If a man sucks one cock and then builds one hundred bridges what is he?
A cock sucker. |
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I'm not sure, but that fucker sure can pick lettuce! |
I was surprised when JFK, Jr.'s plane went down.
I thought the Kennedys drown their whores one at a time... |
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. The problem is getting them in the bulb. |
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill. "It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said. "Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said. "Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today." |
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