There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

How do you stop five niggers from raping a white woman?

Toss 'em a basketball.

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. She's already been told twice.

Little Herbie
 

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day his mother tells him that "Tomorrow is a special day and if you pray extra hard tonight you'll be able to see tomorrow for the first day in your life!" Little Herbie - "Really Mom" Mom - "yes little Herbie". So little Herbie goes to bed and prays his ass off. The next morning he wakes up and before he opens his eyes he prays some more. Finally he opens his eyes and...Nothing - Blind as a bat! "MOMMY MOMMY" he screams..Mom comes in "What is it Little Herbie?" little Herbie- "I still can't see!" Mommy - "I know Little Herbie, APRIL FOOLS!"

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

It can stop on a dime, and pick it up, too.

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

what sort of file do you need to make a hole this big o, this big O?

a paedophile....

How many Jews fit into a VW Beetle?


2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 100 in the ashtrays.

Can I have your Phillies tickets?:right:

Local joke.

What's the difference between an epileptic corn-shucker and a diarhettic whore?

The first one shucks and has the fits...

Oof.

What's the difference between a poor golfer and a poor skydiver?




A poor golfer goes "Whack! Shit!"

**********

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?




A pickpocket snatches watches.

What's the difference between a pigmy tribe and a girls' field hockey team?

A pigmy tribe is a bunch of cunning runts and a girls hockey team is a bunch of running cunts.

what's the difference between a snow tire and an african american?

When you put chains on it, the snow tire doesn't sing the blues.

Uh, won't let me edit...here's the link I forgot:
http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/

Why do Jews have big noses?

Air is free.

How do you keep black kids from jumping on the beds?

Velcro on the ceiling.

How do you keep black kids quiet in the car?

Wet their lips and stick them to the windows.

A black and a mexican are in the cop car.
Who's driving?


The white cop.

Ok I just finished reading all 18 pages to make sure it wasn't a re-post.

Q.) What's the worst part of eating bald pussy






A.) Re-fastening the diaper

How many dead babies does it take to paint a building?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

:devil:

That is the opener for my next meeting!

--------

How did Helen Keller get carpel tunnel syndrome?
Jerking off with one hand, moaning with the other.

Know how to castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why did God give women yeast infections?
So that they would know what it's like living with an irritating cunt.

What's easier to unload: a truck full of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls?

Dead babies, because you can use pitchforks.

I may have posted this before, but I was reminded of it by thechucks post..

what's the worst part about eating a vegetable?

getting her back in the wheelchair!

Ya know why babies have that soft spot in their skull?

That's so ya can carry them five to a hand.

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

new sick joke
 

This is bad so if you are easily offended please skip... I heard these almost right away after moving to the deep south.

How do you keep niggers out of your backyard...
Hang one in the front.

I'm not easily offended, but that one offended me.

I thought it was stupid. If it's going to be racist, it should at least be funny.

What do you call an African-American man who flies plane's for a living?

i'm going to get my 10 ft pole so i can NOT touch that.

a pilot, you racist son of a bitch!

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

Damn I live in MS. and I can't think of a nigger joke. Wonder why?

Maybe because some of us don't see any humor?

Someone who hasn't got the hang of apostrophe+S ? ;) :p

Yeah, the plane's -- what? Horizontal stabilizer?

And how many Vulcan first officers does it take to change a light bulb?

*

*

*

*

One.

DAM YOU MONS'TER!

it's spelled damN.

Good one, lumberjimN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!

What's grey, sits in the corner and takes the piss out of people?
A dialysis machine.

What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?
Stephen Hawking in a house-fire.

Did we ever find out what we DO call an African-American man who flies planes for a living?

...only if you've not much to do at the moment - don't put off anything important to let me know... I've bags of time right now....

Oh yeah, I see it now - got a bit lost with everything else going on around it at the time.

You racist son of a bitch.

I think this fits here...

.

Ouch

He's certainly being given a hard time - by all and sundry

americans want to know too?

So Michael Barrymore got it in the pool with a dildo. But why do we care? And is that actually even *unusual* these days?

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Not quite Patrick. The death of Stuart Lubbock at Barrymore's house after a drug-laden gay party, failed to be solved. All the guests clammed up and Barrymore, whose antics had generally been tolerated by the media and public up until then, fell totally out of favour and has never recovered. An-ill-fated attempt to regain favour by appearing on Celebrity Big Brother last year created the same rejection. His arrest awakens the belief ( albeit so far unfounded) that he was implicated in the guy's death (found drowned face down in Barrymore's pool, full of drugs and sexually abused). The Cluedo photo is somewhat typical of the way such situations are so often tastelessly satirised.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, she's already been told twice.

Thanks for the summary, CF. I usually have a hard time with pop-culture references like this..

Me too, clueless.

Why did god make white chocolate?
So black children can smear something on their face.
---------------------------------
What do Virginia Tech & Mount Everest have in common?
Both are Minus 33 and have killer slopes!
---------------------------------
I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange
window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of
me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more
than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get
two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?"

The teller replied, "Fluctuations".

The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!"
---------------------------------
Why couldn't Chris Benoit kiss his son goodnight?
Because the pillow was in the way.
---------------------------------
How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
---------------------------------
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. The problem is getting them in there.