:lol:

I like that one, Lola.

Stole this from someone just now:

A soldier comes home on leave. His wife asks him to have "the talk" with their son. The soldier says OK, and tells his son: "Listen up, kid. It's time you knew the facts. When a man and a woman want a baby, they F**K. Just like the birds and the bees."

:lol:

Although, did anyone else ever notice that most bees never actually f**k, but go through their lives as sexless workers. Only the queen and a bunch of randy bee dudes get any action.

Makes it a pretty stupid metaphor.

No, that talk is the "bees and the flowers," Zen. The birds and the bees is all about how the birds eat the bees. Especially the swallows.

swallows eat unborn babies, i thought.

...well, i guess that's only half true.

ba dum dum

Clod, that makes even less sense.


I guess the best way would be: "Hey, kids, look at those two dogs! It's educational!"

A wife is ragging on her husband saying, "You are a total loser. You're the biggest loser I've ever met. You're the biggest loser in the country, and I bet if there were a contest for the biggest loser in the world, you'd come in second."
"Why second?" asks the husband.
"Because you're a loser."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"


On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."



A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon." The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"





A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."






A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"





A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I will buy Microsoft!

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:









I'm not selling.

Heheh...that's wrong.

To All who are married:


At a wedding party recently someone yelled:
"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments



God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?
We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father?
We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example,




and the Lord
said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery?
We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said,
'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

Perhaps that should be in the tastless joke thread.

You tasteless bastard, my insensitive joke was killed on 9/11

.

..

My apologies, I was not aware there was a thread dedicated to tasteless humor.

Not tasteless, tastless. Now I understand your confusion. A tastless is small digging monkey-like creature living on the Isle of Wight.

Welcome to the Cellar, buttless. It's not always easy to find threads on the Cellar.

Here it is.

My mistake.

I'm not sorry about ur tast

There's no I in team, but there is no L in Christmas!


Noelle

Always remember kids.

You can't spell slaughter without laughter.

Nor can you spell therapist without rapist.

.

:)

It's long. And I apologize. Also, I make no guarantees as to it's veracity.

So:

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
______________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
* 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and
wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

:p: am I right ladies :D

because one causes the other

Love it!

From Reddit:

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope - Now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope.

I never thought I'd say this, but ...

Dear Lord, please watch over the Bush family.

LOL

Not a big bush fan here.

I spit on my keyboard!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
.
.
Last year's hide and seek champion.

She's back!
She's Bad!
She's Nationwide!

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, whatchoo mean, NationWIDE? I've been trying, man. ;)

(Yeah, I've been very busy and very preoccupied with my 'self' and all that entails. I'm thinking of running away from home. In a thousand senses. I'm so very tired of 'me' and very tired that me being tired of me makes others tired of me and makes me tired of others.)

Which reminds me, does anyone want to buy some tires?

I'll take two, please.

Thank you. Now you too can be two tired.

I always put my faith in Jesus, when I'm feeling like the world is slipping away and I just don't want to play anymore. Thank you Jesus, thank you.

It Was Then That I Carried You
BY JESUS CHRIST

One night, Infi, you had a dream. You dreamed you were walking along the beach with Me. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to you, and the other to Me. When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that many times along the path of your life there was only one set of footprints. You also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in your life. This bothered you, and you questioned Me about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." I replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints
BY Infinite Monkey

Sorry to have to break it to you, Jesus, but those are obviously my footprints.


Look closely. See how those footprints have that wavy tread pattern on the bottom, just like my mules? If they were yours, they'd make a sandal mark, like the footprints next to mine a little farther up the beach when I was going through better times.


See the footprints at the time of my divorce? You'll notice that the sandaled footprints drift off from the mule ones. They lead to that picnic bench over there, the one with the cigarette butts scattered all over. It appears that in my darkest hour, instead of carrying me, you sat on a stump and had a couple of smokes. Real helpful, Jesus. Real helpful.


Sure, the sandal footprints came back when I got that big job promotion, but right at the point where my cat Toonces died, they veer off again. Actually, now that I look again, it seems like there's an unusually large distance between each of the sandal-wearer's footprints around the time of my cat's death, as if the person were actually running away.


I'm sorry, Jesus, but your whole story about carrying me during my worst moments just doesn't gibe with the facts. Besides, you'd certainly think a person would remember being carried by the Son of God, right? That's a pretty memorable thing, wouldn't you say? Well, either I've got amnesia, or you're a liar, because I don't recall ever being toted around by the Messiah. The only thing I do remember about my worst moments on the path of life is the horrible feeling of plodding along the cold sand all alone while icy rain fell in sheets and chill winds assailed me.


So thanks, Jesus. Thanks a bunch. You were really there for me when things got tough. Asshole.

Amen! I mean...uh...thass right!

Funny. Thanks for the giggle.

The line for the hand cart forms to the left.

:lol2:

I have a compact, so I'll drive separate *revs up handbasket*

$50 Lesson
I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


(ITS A FRIGGIN JOKE!)

A couple of us were talking about what sort of collective nouns could be used for different nationalities (in an entirely cliched and non-PC kind of way) and, being Aussies, we started with (for us) the obvious "Mob of Australians". We then thought up these:

a scrum of Kiwis
a queue of English
a pint of Irish
a pride of Germans
a clutch of Italians
a school of Chinese
a gaggle of Greeks
a litre of Russians
a herd of Americans
a line of Columbians
a parade of Brazilians
a running of Spaniards

Any more ideas?

A line of Columbians :lol:

A knot of Thais.

A waxing of Brazilians.

A reef of Jamaicans.

A pot of Dutch.

A many-many of Yemenis.

A floe of Eskimos

A ream of Greeks

A spear of Uncontacted Indigenous Peoples

A mess of Iraqis

A scatter of nomads

A slew of Huns

A zamboni of Canadians

A sneer of French
A stuffing of Turks
A manga of Japanese
A shelter of Swiss

or A gourmet of French....

;)



A mugging of Mancunians
A riot of Londoners
A cockahoop of Cocknies
A luv of Liverpudlians

A joanna of Cocknies

A snowball of Michigandans

a poi of Polynesians

a box of Cubans

a grove of Cypriots

A Number 63 of Chinese

A boatload of Cubans


Extreme bad taste version: A boatload of Estonians