Really Creative Insults
 

It's hard to shake people up these days--everyone is so jaded and recherche. It's tough to make an insult stick. I like this:

I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you moldy rogue, away!

Taken from: Henry IV, part 2

Shakespeare is still the high water mark.

What's your favorite insult?

If somebody is being a little too smug, bragging about a possession they have, or a club they belong to, or a school they are going to, etc., you can say with a smile on you face "Well, I'm sure you will be very happy with that."

It's nice and subtle, and said in the proper dismissive way, it's a real put-down without being vulgar. The implication that "you" must have something wrong with you if you are happy about such a trivial thing.

when someone annoying makes a really bad joke and people laugh to be polite, all you have to do is laugh after everyone finishes and say very sarcastically "hahaha, wow, you're so witty!"

Your mother fucking sucks big fucking elephant dick!

Did your parents have any children that lived?

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.

ok, then......don't forget to eat a dick! :)

I knew they could pile it high but how did they ever teach it to talk?

1 million sperm and you were the winner?

oh, i feel so bad...I totally forgot to offer.......did you want some? : points to crotch with both hands:

I belive that this thread contributes evidence to support the theory that creativity and testes come from the same biological matter and are mutually exclusive.

(Which of course means that men have no creativity and what women call creativity is a potential load of bollocks)

did you ever think anything that you DIDN'T say?

:lol: I like that one.

im sorry were you talking? i thought it was a yak's mating call and you were responding

Waiting for someone to complain about my baby screams being loud so that I can say "Sorry for the screaming, but she took one good look at you and she is too young to understand monsters aren't real"

From the movie 300, when Xerxes asks Leonidus to surrender and kneel, he replies "sorry, but after spending the day slaughtering your soldiers, I've developed a horrible knot in my leg muscle, so can't see this happening".

You may be drunk, but I'm Winston Churchill.

i'll rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end.

I will buttfuck you in the mouth, flint.

I'll fuck you 'til you love me.....mike tyson.

is that your head, or is your neck blowing bubbles?

your cock is assprone

i'd hit you, but i don't want to get stupid on my hands.......but shit splatters

use your head for some thing besides a hat rack

I said this to some one once , his reply " I don't wear hats , you know that !!"

How many kinds of stupid are you trying to be?

if you had another brain it'd be lonely

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

After talking to you, I know why animals eat their young.

Sorry, I don't speak "shit-head".

Were you born a worthless, slimy piece of shit, or did you have to work at it?

If I had to choose between you and "Full Blown AIDS", I'll take the AIDS.

If you were the last woman on earth and I was the last man, you would be the last woman on earth and I would be the last man.

If you had half a brain it'd be lonely. ;)

In response to any insult: "So's your face"

If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I'd have farted

There were a crowd of teenagers outside the local shop where I used to live and I must admit I'm overweight( but I'm kind to animals and sometime give to charity )so I'm not that bad a person,anyway passing these teenagers one of the young ladies remarked "Look at that fat c**t.
I thought this is not on and turned to her and told her in a voice that all her friends heard "I my well be a fat c**t but i can go on a diet and lose weight,but you'll always be an ugly cow.
The howls and cat calls she then got from her friends and her red face was a joy to see :D

heheh... not an insult, but a parry-riposte:

1 -- Did you fart?!

2 -- Hell yes I farted! You don't think I smell like this all the time, do you?

:jig: :rotflol: :lol: BRAVO!!!! I totally commend you!

If I want any shit out of you, I'll squeeze your head.

I'll bet your parents wish your mother swallowed.

You're gonna have a job with your name on your shirt.

You look just like Brian Peppers.

Loud mouth boisterous guy was sitting clear across the bar from me. Trying to show off, he yells "Hey Lisa, have you ever heard of 60 second sex?"

I'd heard this joke, and knew this was a great time to reinforce my "Queen of Quick Comebacks" title.

Innocently, I said "uh, no?"

He replied with the usual "Got a minute?"

I gave pause so everyone could chuckle at the joke before I said "Sure, but what are we going to do with the other 45 seconds?"

The look on his face and the cheers of the crowd made me feel pretty darn smug!

You would not notice those qualities in me, if you did not possess them yourself, to some small degree.:lol2:

Please face me when we’re speaking. You’re so shallow, you disappear when you stand in profile.

Your parents must have been shocked when you showed up. They were told that conception by anal sex was impossible.

Don’t feel too terribly bad. I think your low self-image is FULLY justified.

You must be the Second Coming. Only God could have been tough enough to fuck your Mama.

You wrinkled old bastard. Your face looks like Estelle Getty’s butt. (Bernard to Don Imus).

Ripley’s doesn’t believe you.

Your mother’s milk is donkey piss. (The Haj, Leon Uris)

You were a wasted fuck. Your old man should have rolled over and shot you on the wall.

Just how long ago DID you flatline?

I'm terribly sorry you’re so heartbroken, but you must understand that even the National Enquirer has standards.

You’re the reason most brothers and sisters don’t have sex.

You’re the only person I know that goes to a dentist for a pedicure.

I love that one.

Thou rank dismal-dreaming coxcomb!

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S Cobb

Can you give me your parent's phone number? I want to scream "Do Over!" at them.

I've seen better heads on lettuce.

Say, do you comb your hair with bacon grease?

You should have been a blowjob.

If your penis is so small you must belittle others to prove your self-worth then I feel great relief knowing you will never reproduce.

Usually it takes the recipient a lengthy amount of time to comprehend what has been said... priceless.

Now what might we do with one-word coinings and resurrections of some moldy oldies?

Nithing is one of the deepest-insulting one-worders I know.

Stumblefuck has more of a military flavor.

I've only read two pages of this thread, so apologies if these have already been quoted:

"I would [despise you], if I gave you any thought." -- Rick, Casablanca

"In the 19th century, a British politician by the name of Benjamin Disraeli was being verbally attacked by a fellow statesman who said, 'You will either die of the gallows or of the plague.' His response was, 'Sir, that depends on whether I embrace your morals or your mistress.'" -- quoted in a Laffer speech

If your mother were Anna-Nicole Smith and your father George W. Bush, you'd probably be less fucked up.

For women,

If a man yells across the steet, "Hey baby, come sit on my face"

Response, "Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?"

:p ;) :D :D

Good one !!!!

I know. ;) And very effective too. :)

You really don't need to fill out that DNR form. They'll take one look at you and INSTANTLY know to pull the plug.

Good one. I've used "Perhaps, but I went to the college of my choice," in similar circumstances.

My personal favorite ...

You are (he is) so dense that time and space bend around you (him).

coughnerdcough

"You fuck like my grandmother!"

"nice teeth, do you fuck like a crack whore too?"

I'm gonna use that one...

I called a guy a "fucking waste of chromosomes" once... I was very angry.
I think I'm a nerd, but I was a bouncer at the time and carrying him out of the bar. Perhaps it balances out?

a fucking waste of deoxyribonucleic acid