My F'd Up Past - and Future Hope
 

See - I tried to make even the thread title optimistic.

Okay - I screwed up. Again. Big time.
But I cried for 24 hours (nearly the whole 24 hours I admit) and I'm willing to start facing up to my problems again.

Sorry, seems like a lot of what I do here is blub about how badly I've screwed my life up. I'm just not good at doing this in real life and I'd rather get support/ a kick up the arse from you guys than hold it all in. I promise no-one is harder on me than I am on myself, just need to translate that into living right in the first place.

Last night there was a noise outside and my HM went to look. There was a man at the front door (who hadn't knocked) and he asked for me by name. He said he had come to ask about money I owed on rent in Leicester. He named the main road next to where I lived, but not my road. I corrected him and then said I was aware I owed some money but as I was on benefits and would pay when I was able. He thanked me and said he'd get "them" to contact me and left.

I was in shock. It was only when he'd gone that I realised I had no idea who he was, where from, he'd shown no ID and he hadn't even used my surname. He didn't give my previous address and the fact he hadn't even knocked suggested he wasn't sure I lived there.

Screw up #1

All I can say is live and learn, I won't ever give details about myself to strangers again.

The bottom line is I haven't done any real harm because I do owe the money, I genuinely don't have it and have no seizable assets. It's brought it to the forefront of my mind, which was rather buried in the sand, assuming I could contact them when I was back on my feet again (I sent them a letter when I moved to this effect)

My HM was SO angry. He basically feels he didn't know the whole story when he invited me to live with him, and now I have strangers coming to his door. He repeated that phrase a couple of times. I do understand and it is a reasonable reaction - he feels as if his sanctuary has been violated. I know I do.

So that's screw up #2

The only person willing to help me feels I've thrown it back in his face.
Not much I can do about that, apart from reassure him that they can't do anything to him or his property regarding my debts (small consolation) and hope I haven't trashed 20+ years of friendship.

So after crying until 02.00 - no, not in his face looking for sympathy, in genuine grief and distress and despair in private - and reading until 04.00, I got up this morning ready to face another day. Not great really. I had a GP appointment scheduled, so I went. It didn't go well. I completely broke down, giving the poor man all my money woes and admitting I couldn't see any way out. I was suicidal and admitted it. The whole of the 30min appointment I was in tears. He was worried enough to try to refer me to a psychiatrist - he called the Rapid Response Team. We talked afterwards and he told me that it wasn't worth losing my life over the small amount of money I owed I almost asked him for a loan.

So I left with a promise that the team would call me on my mobile. I wandered around in the drizzle, waiting for the call. Oh, he also said that the team would put me in touch with social services, so I could get debt counselling when I was less distressed. I also called and left a message with the Christian charity who helped me last time I messed up like this.

No reply from either. Oh and for the record, no reply from my enquiry to join a group session of CBT the other day.

So after 4 hours walking round aimlessly I had to go home. It was so hard. The last time I spoke to HM face to face he was furious. I'd sent him a text to tell him I was walking and waiting for a call because I didn't want him to think I'd stormed off. He accused me - quite rightly - of running away from my problems all my life and I didn't want him to think that's what I was doing now. I just wanted to speak to a professional before I faced him.

He asked me how it had gone and I had to explain I hadn't got the call I expected. That made me well up AGAIN so I went and hid in my room. And cried. I now have chapped skin round my eyes btw.

When he went out this evening I came down here to check various websites. My current knowledge:

- I can't commit suicide with ibuprofen (the only drug I have in any quantity)
- I've worked out what I think is the worst case scenario for my debt - £4k, although I still might not admit that to HM
- I'm going to call the National Debtline tomorrow and see what my options are. This is also a charity and does not offer loans - it's a genuine tool for people not managing their own debt.
- Tonight I have decided I may be able to cope with this and move on - the bubble I've been livng in here was attractive enough that I think I want it for real ie no more secrets, no more looking over my shoulder.

If you gave no fowarding address then it was probably a P.I. and undoubtedly you were scared but we all do things we second guess about later. Of course you know next time what to do.

The man you live with genuinly cares otherwise you wouldn't be there. Try to trust in yourself.


You are a good person and you need to let things settle and they will!
Everyone usually owes money to someone. You'll work it out when you are in a better situation. Please don't fret. Have a nice cup of tea and know there are so many people that think you are beautiful inside and out. :)

* I feel so lame and inefficient about this*
I know that isn't very much to hang onto. I have had roofers banging on the ceiling since this am and I have a headache..owooow..
otherwise I could go on and on about how wonderful you are SG and how about everything will work itself out.

Chill out........Jesus.

If your HM can push you around that easily I'd say debt is the least of your problems.

Is your "HM" a control flippin' freak or wtf?

edit* edit*

Try to get on your feet before people have you on your knees is all.....
;)

Hey Sundae, you know we all think you are great, right? Don't forget that. You are Sundae Girl!

You may feel overwhelmed now, but you will get though this difficult time. Not that long ago, you held down two jobs, right? The one in the office, and the other in the shop? When you are feeling better, I'm sure you will find a way to get back on your feet again. Once that happens, you can pay off the debt.

Your HM was pissed, but he will get over it. He thinks you are great too. Just talk to him about it. Explain what's going on. He will understand. Talking about it with him will probably make you feel better too.

Seriously, try not to be so hard on yourself. You are Sundae Girl!

I guess from your reply that you get what I mean by HM, but the relationship isn't like a normal landlord or just a friend. He's seen me through tough times over the years and offered me a lifeline by letting me move in. I don't think it's about the debt so much as the fact he feels I deliberately hid it. And he's a good, honest, hardworking man - everything he has is from this. Then he takes me in and within 2 months there's a stranger on the doorstep talking about unpaid debts.

Thanks Sidhe - I don't deserve praise, but it's good of you to be so kind.
Glatt - you're right. I'll take night work in a supermarket again if I have to. I have done it before. Much as I would love to win the lottery, I like working.

I must remember not to dwell on the past but change my future.
This time 24 hours ago I was in a very different place, 24 hours later I will be too.

My dear, I know about the seemingly insurmountable debt and the stress it puts on you...it's very painful. But you WILL be OK.

As glatt said, you are Sundae Girl, and the love people here feel for you is really quite amazing. And you deserve every iota of it.

Making a pro-active call to the debt counselling people is a great idea SG! So much better to feel that you are doing something, rather than waiting for something to happen. Make a realistic plan with them and stick to it - complete with wallcharts and little gold stars and anything else that shows you you are moving in the right direction!
As to your housemate - I suppose you take a deep breath, apologise to him for not putting him fully in the picture, tell him what you are doing to get yourself out of debt and how much you appreciate and value the help and support he has given you so far.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Please do not kill youself. You have no idea how much this will hurt and damage all those that know and love you. Please.

I know this is little consolation, Sundae, but I have personally known people to slowly but surely manage themselves out of $30,000 in debt (or roughly 15,000 pounds.) The numbers are very overwhelming to you right now, because they are yours, but they are not so huge in the grand scheme of things.

I think that a grocery store shift would be a really good idea, not just for the money but for the opportunity to get out of the house, socialize with customers, and have a personal feeling of accomplishment. In my mind, your biggest problems right now are emotional. Begin to conquer those, and the financial situation will be settled much more easily.

Do you lose any portion of your benefits if you start working, even part-time?

You're all kinder than I deserve. Remember no-one held a gun to my head re these debts. I just let utility bills bounce while going "La, la, la" with my hands over my ears. You put me to shame with your kindness.

Limey I'm scared at how I really considered suicide as an option. But glad that even when I believed the dose I had in my room was fatal, it still remained in its blister packs. Perhaps it's true that some people are born without the ability to act on the urges.

I will, yes. But that doesn't worry me. My main reason for waiting til November is that I am officially signed off until then and my GP said he does not expect me to work before that - and perhaps not even then. We had a double length appointment the first time I saw him, and he said due to my history he would prefer me to take things slowly.

Hence trying to get group work (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and wanting to volunteer at the charity shop. Which reminds me I forgot to ask him about that today (he needs to sign me off as capable of work before I can volunteer). I may send a letter to the practice - I think he'd take a leave of absence if he saw me on his patient list any time soon.

The stiff upper lip loses something with snot dripping off of it, so dry up the water works and think positive. You'll be back in the groove before you know it. We got faith.

I'm not actually a crier (cryer) under normal circumstances. I mean I cry at anything sad on tv, film or in a book, but it's over in minutes. This scared me - I felt like I had no control.

All done now. Talked to HM who was wise and fair. And didn't say exactly what I wanted to hear, but that's the risk when you have friends and not imaginary conversations.

My marathon crying jag seems to be over. I have an uphill fight, but I'm bak in control.

Best of luck Sundae Girl. If I was more wise I would contribute-but I'm not so I can only offer you online forum support and knowledge to you that someone else connected to the Internet billions of breast strokes away cares and wishes you the best as you climb back into the driver's seat.

Dude, can't you say anything without stroking some girl's breast?

SG, I personally have been in your situation before, but my debt was nearly $20000 by the time I hit bottom and was forced to actually do something about it.

I organized a loan and had my brother as guarantor on the loan for me (because the bank wouldn't take me on otherwise) and slowly but surely, I paid it off.

There's nothing special about me, so if I can do it, so can you!

I have been in a lot of debt and felt like there was no way out SG and know how humiliating it and what surrounds it can be.
I am so sorry you are going through this and send you much love.
You can and I believe you will get through this stronger and better off for having conquered it.

Fresh that was really nicely put. :)

Me too....my solution was to learn to live with the humiliation :P I jest. I don't think debt should have such a taboo as society has placed on it. We live in a world where debt practically throws itself at you and where everything in life, from the roof over your head to the bread in your belly, relies on having a flow of cash. It's hard not to accrue debt of some sort. If you then happen to be one of the many millions of people whose future life turns out not to meet the expectations they had when they took the debt on....

SG take your doctor's advice and don't rush things. Having no income and living on benefits sucks ( I know, I've been there) but it's not the worst thing in the world. There should be no shame attached at all to you accessing what is yours under the social contract that your country has forged.

Nor should there be stigma for people who have to deal with depression or addiction. If you lead a life that leaves you physically battered the world's sympathy and understanding is yours. What if you are battered by life in less obvious ways? All these people (myself included) who've posted in the Cellar about having suffered depression, or followed an addiction. Who can get through life without losing their balance from time to time?

Look how far you've come already from where you were in Spring. And I don't mean geographically speaking either:P You're doing great Sundae. I'm proud of you mate.

Yeah- I don't mean to be so pissy about your HM Sundae...I just don't like it when I see people down, and someone around that makes them feel worse for just being a human. You are not defined by what's in your wallet....god knows I've been through it....don't let anyone make you feel like a shitbag. I'm sure his intentions are in the right place...but he did make you cry so....that rubs me the wrong way. He's probably doing his dambdest to help so I'll shut up....


We think you are awesome. Get out there and strut your stuff! Do what I did when I was broke (for half an f'in year).....get out there, make as much money as you can, be a success, and then throw it in the face of all the nay-sayers.

Anecdote:Oh and I did too....I invited them to my new cool place for dinner....and boy where they pissy. I heard someone say "how did she do this". Yeah, a so-called friend said that. All of my real friends expected it.

Hey jump on that pony and ride it! Woo-hoo!

Sundae, you know I have been right where you are; I was sued, even. It did throw me for an emotional loop, made me question my right to be a human on earth, all that bad stuff but you know what? There's no such thing as debtor's prison anymore and if they want a pound of flesh, they can have my left tit! HA! You are an honest, hardworking woman with real talent and ability and drive. You will make your way thru this patch so keep your head high. The surest thing I know is this: This, too, shall pass.

I suck at pep talks SG, but I love ya, and don't want you to cry anymore. Keep posting, you've got quite a support group here.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

Today I had an interview at the Job Centre, to meet my caseworker and go through what they can offer me when I am ready to work again. It really cheered me up - stupidly I had been worrying about future employers not considering me because of my history in the last year, and not having interview clothes, and having to get through the first month without pay. OF COURSE the Govt want me back at work, and there are all sorts of incentives, and practical help to get me there. I've always found my own jobs before (and probably will this time) but it's nice to know Fat Tony has a discretionary fund of £50 for a new outfit when I produce a letter offering me an interview :)

We agreed he would contact me again in the New Year to discuss my plans. At present I'm signed off til November, but it gives me breathing space - if I told Tony I wanted to start looking for work in November it would be awkward to back down and say I'd been signed off again. Ideally I will be back on form by then of course - I want some money for Christmas!

After that I came home and called the Debt Helpline. They're sending me out a help pack, and I'll start writing letters using their templates as soon as it arrives. I'm glad I called them - I hadn't realised my council tax arrears are a priority debt - they can actually put me in prison, unlike the others. It's unlikely (the prisons are pretty much full after all) because they prefer to come to an agreement even at the last minute, but it's still a reason to get it sorted asap.

Apparently the most the courts would require me to pay from my benefits is £3 per week (£12 per month in effect). That's the total, to go to all my creditors. I hope I don't end up in court, but it's good to know if I do they won't suffer me to be penniless.

If I get a CCJ (County Court Judgement) against me, I can apply for an Administration Order. That I pay the court monthly and they distribute it to the creditors. Any debts that are left unpaid after 3 years are written off. Sounds good - of course the amount I pay will increase in line with my income, as is fair.

And finally, HM has suggested a couple of things I might like to do for a job that really interest me. Far too early in the day to say anything, but it's good to feel hope.

That's great to hear! Good for you for taking charge. I'm glad things are looking brighter for you.

it's nice to know Fat Tony has a discretionary fund of £50 for a new outfit when I produce a letter offering me an interview

Does that mean you can produce the letter for every interview you have? You could build up an awesome wardrobe before too long. ;)

That is wonderful SG. Knowledge, and a little confidence from it, is a powerful thing. I am glad to see you taking control instead of letting it control you.

Sadly I think they anticipate you wearing the same clothes to each interview :)

I'd definitely buy a good pair of work shoes though and who knows, my old office clothes might fit me by then, so I can splurge on a really good pair. I wonder what Fat Tony would say if I admitted I am sorely in need of a new bra now that I'm shrinking... I'm shrinking...

Sundae, I'm glad to see you taking a deep breath and moving forward. Good job!

First, let me say you are brave and wonderful for reaching out to help. That is by far the hardest part.

Second, you can get out of debt. I will take time and sacrifice, but that part is completely doable.

And finally--there are no magic cures. When life smashes you--you just go on. That's all there is.

SG, I'm SO glad to see things looking brighter for you. It is always so hard to bite the bullet (in terms of facing your debts or contacting those to whom you owe money), but now you've done that and looked at the worst case scenario, hopefully things'll get better for you. I'm with DanaC and your doctor in encouraging you to take is slowly - volunteering at the charity shop for a little time each week sounds like a good start.
I was serious about the wallchart with the gold stars and stuff - it's always good to see the progress you're making!
Hugs and other encouragements :grouphug:

You're smart, witty, beautiful and loved. A couple bumps in the road will never change that. Hope you don't forget us after the coronation, your Highness.

I am very happy and encouraged to read about this new turn of events and pov.
Needed some good news today I love that it came from you.

you rock, SG :D

Got my debtline pack through yesterday.
Have drafted the letters today, finding all the addresses (I hope) online.

I'm currently debating whether to wait til Monday when I can buy printing paper, stamps and envelopes to post them, or setting up a new email account and mailing them from there.

I think I'm going to go with the letters. It's not procrastination - I really don't have a penny in my purse (gave my last 63p to a young lad who gave me a sob story about needing his busfare home - he did have a broken foot and I figured he was worse off than me - and 63p doesn't buy a lot of hard drugs afer all). My worry is that if I send things by email, I will just ignore the replies. I know me - not very brave.

Whereas post, here at least, has to be opened. HM's beady eye will be on me if I don't.

Had a disagreement with HM last night actually. I came home with a flyer for a Halloween Event at Charlton House and asked if he was interested. The tickets are £10 each, but he didn't know if he'll be around on the day. I said, "I might go anyway" and he told me off, saying it stuck in his craw that I would consider paying £10 to go to something ("it's a lot of money for an event") when only a week ago I was suicidal over my debts.

Which I thought was very unfair (it's £2.50 a week between now and then) and callous, throwing my complete meltdown back in my face. And £10 is not going to make a shred of difference to anyone I owe money to.

But I'm here at his sufferance, so I have to accept his pov on some things. He's annoyed at my irresponsibility I suppose, and I can't argue with that. But if he is working away on that date I'll be sorely tempted... I love Halloween and hauntings and ghost stories!

Whilst I can see your housemate's point of view, I think prolly the get-out-of-debt thing must be like dieting - if you clamp down too hard you'll just rebel and chuck the whole plan in because it's making you too miserable.
How about planning an "entertainments" budget for yourself (and sticking to it ...) out of which this type of expenditure would naturally be paid?

Will you read my post #17 again so I don't post it again? I might get in more trouble than I'm already in.....

I think you're right about the diet analogy - I've fallen down on both money & food in the past by getting fed up. Re bugeting, as soon as I have all the details back from my creditors I am going to set up a very strict budget. The honest truth is there will be little to go around, but I'll try to put some aside for entertainment. I figure even a £1 a month in my piggy bank will help.

Don't worry, I have. Of course I'm posting solely from my point of view - I'm sure he'd give it a different spin :) I'm just venting, honest. Keeps me sane (thanks for your support though)

Just finished printing off the letters to my creditors. Going to put them in the post when I go to the supermarket later. You can tell today is benefits day right?

I've asked everyone I think I owe money to, to tell me how much I owe them. The next letter will be the bargaining bit, but I have templates for each possible outcome. They will know where I am now, but I have come to terms with that over the last few days.

Once the envelopes leave my fingers, my fate is essentially in other people's hands. Terrifying but liberating. Like being on a rollercoaster.

SG - you've come a long way in the last two weeks.

SG! Glad to see you being so pro-active! I think you are learning that everything might not be as bad as it seems. I think you will find that the universe might be more merciful than you had "bargained" for. We'll see anyway!

Hey Sundae, just keep reminding yourself of this: what's the worst they can do? You're a benefits claimant, which means you are to a large extent protected:P

Congratulations SG on taking this brave step. Don't forget in your bargaining and arranging things that you need, and I do mean need, an entertainments budget for yourself as well as a food/bills budget. I'm backing you all the way here, this is such a big step in the right direction. WTG gurrrrrrrrrl (yeugh, what a phrase!)!

Good work, SG.

I have to say, though, (and I'll probably get beaten up for it but....) I agree with your HM -I think 10 quid is a lot of money to spend on entertainment when you're predicting a future budget with only 1 quid a month for that type of expense. Do you really want to blow 10 months IN ADVANCE? Isn't there a cheaper compromise?

.......Also the 63p you gave away. yes it's only a small amount and he probably did need it more that you but...... this is how it mounts up. Here's an old saying for you "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves". It's benefit day, but already you're 10.63 down. What percentage is that? 10 quid may not be much to your debtors, but neither is your entire income, so you need to make every saving you can.

Your housemate is housing you, has joined you up the gym because you can't afford it and because you need his help. Trying to look at it from his POV, perhaps his feelings are hurt because you appear to value his help so little. How would you have felt if the kid with 63p then pulled a fiver out of his pocket and bought a pack of ciggies with it?

I'm sorry, I know I'm probably making you feel bad and I don't want to, but all I see is you coming here wanting confirmation that your expenditure is OK. And it isn't -not if you want to get out of debt. Limey is right, you do need to have some fun. But budgets, like diets, have to start now, today, because tomorrow never comes. The problem with last hurrahs is that they never are...

I kind of agree with Monster on the £10 spend. Though I also agree that total abstinence from fun is a bad idea:P

There's also the idea of paying it forwards. I think giving that 63p was possibly the 'right' thing to do, for the following reasons: an amount so small that it'd make very little difference to your fortnight nevertheless may have a significant impact on the lad's ability to get his bus (might just have fleeced you but that's always the risk you take :P); generally speakig I have found that people with very little tend to help out other people with very little and overall that can take the sting out of poverty for a lot of people; it makes you feel good and a part of society to help out in some small way when asked by your fellow citizen.

Oh, i'm not saying it was a bad thing, -sorry, must've phrased it badly -I'm advocating keeping track -not discounting it because it was a good cause. It still had to come from somewhere. I was just using it as a demonstration of how things add up. If you're budgeting to the nearest pound, then 63p is most of a pound. Small amounts like that still have to come from somewhere. By "taking care of the pennies" I meant more knowing where they're all going rather than not spending any at all. Was that clearer or more foggy?

I love pay it forward.

Great job SG. I am sure you feel more in control with this ball now rolling. Keep it up!

I'm not going to the Halloween event now
Once I calmed down after being told off (I think it was that more than anything) I admitted he was probably right.

But I do stand behind the 63p :)
If I have less than a pound in my pocket and a week to spend it in, I reserve the right to be extravagant!

Overall I know you are right though Monster. Much as I hate to admit it. I got in this situation by being reckless with my money and I need to learn to treat things more seriously - even on my low budget I should try to save and not just rely on "something coming along". Sigh.

And I didn't mean to begrudge you that at all. It's harder to write/say stern things to people you like, they don't always come across as intended. But I think we got there in the end. ;)

(probably worth an "unexpected" budget line of a pound, if you can write it in, just be aware of such expenditures :) )

I posted my current issues in other threads, but the precis is that I rowed with HM (my fault - although as monster says good friends don't ascribe blame) and ran to my parents. Good people told me to call him, and I got the balls (note, didn't say grew the balls) tonight.

He was fine. More than fine he was decent. He understands far more than I give him credit for. He is not an "easy touch" - if he was I wouldn't be so worried about my behaviour. But he is a good friend, which makes it worth me worrying about. I promised we'd sit down and have a chat - my offer not his suggestion - and I am going to go back to poor long-suffering Dr B and ask for a review of medication. I describe Dr B as long-suffering because he didn't choose to know me - poor old HM choose this path ;)

So I can go back to my babbas (who I miss enormously) and to my home - yes it is a home and I missed it too. And back to my friend who makes it home and keeps me sane (ish). A terrible burden for a man not even getting my class A blowjobs, and if I really believed in karma I'd be really quite depressed right now. Oh...

Still, if I take karma on board HM must have been a real shit in a previous life to get saddled with me in this one.

Line dancing on Tuesday.

QUESTION ~ Why the fuck would HM, with a successful career and nice home, take you in, spend money and time, trying to straighten out your life?

ANSWER;
A~ He's getting great sex.

B~ He is truly a friend and concerned about you.

We all know the answer is B.

He is not a professional counselor, just a good friend trying his best to help in the best way he can. If you disagree with his assessments, of the cause and effect of your problems, please keep in mind he's doing the best he can.

Considering what he's doing for you, at least trying to do, cut him some slack if he seems to come on too strong. It's because he doesn't want you back sliding or avoiding what, you yourself know, you must do.

Tough love isn't called that for nothing.

Good points Bruce.

I'd like to expand on one of them:I'd just like to emphasise for Sundae, the fact that her friendship with HM is not one way. HM gives a lot to her, in terms of roof over her head, emotional support at a very difficult time, understanding when she is unable to cope effectively. But...he will also get something from her: her sparkling wit and conversation, a bunch of shared experiences and references across the years, a level of emotional trust that comes from solid friendship.

I say this, because Sundae has a tendency to paint herself in the worst possible light and I believe sees the friendship as an imbalanced one, whereby he is the one giving and she the one taking. It's never that simple. If he diodn't gain something from the friendship, then it would not have been a constant across the years and Sundae would not now be living in his house...unless he's the kind of guy who just invites anybody to live in his home, he is investing in a friendship that he values.

Hang in there SG
I agree with the 63 p. Maybe there's some kind of Karma or something, and right now you could use a bit of good luck. And even if there isn't karma, such a small expense is worth it f it makes you feel significantly better - there is someone worse off than me, I can help people, I am not always receiving help... etc
You've got the ball rolling. Be sure to keep it rolling.

Hear Hear.

Thanks Dana & Monster, I do sometimes need reminding I'm not quite the sad case I make myself out to be. Next week I'm putting Positive Things About SG all round my room, to help start changing my almost solely negative opinion of myself.

Bruce, you are right of course, and I do genuinely know I was in the wrong. I just find it very hard to control my emotions at the moment, and once they start spiralling my logic goes out of the window. Just being here (London) is helping, because I have to interact with HM and is is knocking the corners off me. Apart from that I am in counselling, where the level headed Maria makes me question my claims, and I am on the list for CBT (which Maria as a psychiatric nurse believes is the best step I can take).

Cooking lentil bhuna for HM tonight (I already had all the ingredients so I'm not spending any money) - going to decorate the table with the rose fairy lights from my room and tealights from the kitchen cupboard in little holders. With brown rice & garlic and coriander naan (that is shop bought, but in the freezer). We shall both stink tomorrow in yoga. It's an apology meal so am pulling out all the stops - at least the free ones anyway.

No sign of my replies from my creditors - the post strike has given me some breathing space. Maria said I have to prepare myself for when they arrive, so I don't use the emotional response as an excuse to have a drink. Damn, that's that plan out the window ;)

Keep on keepin' on, SG!

You'll be OK. I agree with Dana's assessment of you, but we all knew that... 'cept maybe you.
I too was trying to bring some balance to the picture.

The 63p isn't much, but I seem to remember you were giving something like 20 pounds each payday, to charity, while you were digging yourself into a financial mess. Charity begins at home.

SG, it's been awesome to read that you're so happy and getting sorted with work etc in all the other threads. But -because I care about you- I have been unable to ignore the niggle in the back of my mind that, financially, you are trying to run before you can walk.

It's great to dream and plan, and -despite what some may think- I really hate to be the bitch who does this, but please, please, please make a budget and don't end up back where you were at the start of this thread.

Don't "Forget" to deal with this, even though it's not fun spending.....

This is not going to be cheap

That's 2.25 per meal ($4.50)! OK, it's not eating-out prices, but if you can't freeze them and you're buying 4 at a time, that's a reasonable chunk of money for someone with travelplans and debts to pay....

Have you actually had a paycheck yet? Is there any left? ;) Of course you deserve treats, and mostly I'm just being selfish because I want you to save up enough to get here next year so I can join you at a dwellar get together (if you're still speaking to me), but take it slowly. If you absolutely must, blow your first paycheck. But get a sound budget in place before the second one....

Excellent plan ....but another thing on this (becoming) huge list of things to do with the first paycheck.

if you can wait until your visit to the US, you'll be able to get it at half the price.

Good luck with it all, but please be careful. We love you and we don't want you to disappear from the cellar again, now you're back!

well, Cherry, i've got $100 here for you to help you continue on to your next stop. And we'll feed you and all that too.

...But monster's got a point too. We'll all(well....the cool ones, anyway) be here if it takes an extra year to get it together.

You're right, and I do need timely reminders - I am bad with money, and it's important for me to remember that.

But I honestly, genuinely, hand on heart think I'm okay.
I am on top of the debt. I have another appointment with the debt counsellors now that I'm earning again.

I have a year and a half to save to go to America. It won't be cheap, no. But it's great to have long term goals after all. And although I accept what you're saying re the laptop, I really don't want to wait until next year to buy one. I've never really had full internet access at home, and it's always been one of my dreams. Knowing I am coming home to the Cellar and to my friends via hotmail, and being able to write when and where I want to will be such a huge thing in my life. It will be far healthier than take-aways or alcohol or going out & buying something new to cheer myself up...

Re the Super Naturals - I did say I was buying far too many (meaning buying them too often). In fact I am on my way to the supermarket today and there will not be any ready meals in my basket. Back to fruit and making my own pulse based meals. It was really just a couple of weeks of food spree to make up for being so short of money for so long.

Re money - I did have an advance on my first paycheck (agreed when I was only temping), but I've been getting by on pub wages really. Half my advance went to HM to cover the half month rent that I wasn't eligible for benefits. I have £35 left in my purse. But I get another £20 tonight and I am due the last of my unemployment benefit within the next week (£118). Then I get my wages within the same timeframe, which even with the deduction come to over £800. So I'm pretty much set up for next month, bearing in mind I have no travel costs and can eat lunch at home every day.

My trip to the cinema was a treat (although please note, no nachos, no popcorn) but I would have gone anyway because one of the League was in it. After all I went to the Old Vic to see Mark Gatiss and that was almost double the price. Again, the benefit of getting a weekly wage is that things like this are covered.

I had to change my gym membership - or quit the gym. There was no point staying on a concessionary membership as it would be money for nothing - I could only go on Sundays and even that would be a rush. The rest of the time clashed completely with work times. Anyway, they require proof every 6 months so I'd have been found out at some point. I went and changed my membership today - it cost me just over £20. I can now go to the gym every night next week should I choose to, or Sunday mornings. Of all the things I'm doing/ have done I believe this is the easiest to defend. But if I admit to not going for longer than a week you are fully encouraged to smack me with it - this only works if I use it.

I am taking what you've posted totally in the spirit it was meant, and I do appreciate it. It's advice and what's more it's good advice. Thank you.

Thanks :)
You're right too of course. If it means waiting til 2010 to do it properly I will consider it. Sigh. But hey, I've waited this long, right?

I'm glad you don't hate me, I didn't mean to force you to write an essay about it all. 800 quid, eh? Can you sub me 'til next month? :lol:

I am truly happy to see you back and posting this often, I'm sure you have no idea just how much you brighten this place up :D

Now don't wear yourself into the ground with all those jobs :p

Oh, and there's always a bed for you here too, although it might be a bit out of your way...

It was good for me.
Actually I cut it down! I was about to tell you all the things I didn't buy from eBay and Matalan (cheap clothes shop, probably after your time).

Oh and the lipliner, and the Litter Quitter to teach the boys how to use the toilet, and the really cute kitty bed and the DVDs.... etc etc etc :blush:

I'll pencil you in on the schedule anyway
Whatever I save I expect to be time rich and cash poor, so if it means getting on a bus in order to see the States slide by the window and get a free night with a Dwellar it might be an option :luv:

When you get to LJ's call me. I'll drive up to meet you and we can get a cheesesteak!

Yay! Bring Shawnee too :)