My F'd Up Past - and Future Hope

[Sundae]

See - I tried to make even the thread title optimistic.

Okay - I screwed up. Again. Big time.
But I cried for 24 hours (nearly the whole 24 hours I admit) and I'm willing to start facing up to my problems again.

Sorry, seems like a lot of what I do here is blub about how badly I've screwed my life up. I'm just not good at doing this in real life and I'd rather get support/ a kick up the arse from you guys than hold it all in. I promise no-one is harder on me than I am on myself, just need to translate that into living right in the first place.

Last night there was a noise outside and my HM went to look. There was a man at the front door (who hadn't knocked) and he asked for me by name. He said he had come to ask about money I owed on rent in Leicester. He named the main road next to where I lived, but not my road. I corrected him and then said I was aware I owed some money but as I was on benefits and would pay when I was able. He thanked me and said he'd get "them" to contact me and left.

I was in shock. It was only when he'd gone that I realised I had no idea who he was, where from, he'd shown no ID and he hadn't even used my surname. He didn't give my previous address and the fact he hadn't even knocked suggested he wasn't sure I lived there.

Screw up #1

All I can say is live and learn, I won't ever give details about myself to strangers again.

The bottom line is I haven't done any real harm because I do owe the money, I genuinely don't have it and have no seizable assets. It's brought it to the forefront of my mind, which was rather buried in the sand, assuming I could contact them when I was back on my feet again (I sent them a letter when I moved to this effect)

My HM was SO angry. He basically feels he didn't know the whole story when he invited me to live with him, and now I have strangers coming to his door. He repeated that phrase a couple of times. I do understand and it is a reasonable reaction - he feels as if his sanctuary has been violated. I know I do.

So that's screw up #2

The only person willing to help me feels I've thrown it back in his face.
Not much I can do about that, apart from reassure him that they can't do anything to him or his property regarding my debts (small consolation) and hope I haven't trashed 20+ years of friendship.

So after crying until 02.00 - no, not in his face looking for sympathy, in genuine grief and distress and despair in private - and reading until 04.00, I got up this morning ready to face another day. Not great really. I had a GP appointment scheduled, so I went. It didn't go well. I completely broke down, giving the poor man all my money woes and admitting I couldn't see any way out. I was suicidal and admitted it. The whole of the 30min appointment I was in tears. He was worried enough to try to refer me to a psychiatrist - he called the Rapid Response Team. We talked afterwards and he told me that it wasn't worth losing my life over the small amount of money I owed I almost asked him for a loan.

So I left with a promise that the team would call me on my mobile. I wandered around in the drizzle, waiting for the call. Oh, he also said that the team would put me in touch with social services, so I could get debt counselling when I was less distressed. I also called and left a message with the Christian charity who helped me last time I messed up like this.

No reply from either. Oh and for the record, no reply from my enquiry to join a group session of CBT the other day.

So after 4 hours walking round aimlessly I had to go home. It was so hard. The last time I spoke to HM face to face he was furious. I'd sent him a text to tell him I was walking and waiting for a call because I didn't want him to think I'd stormed off. He accused me - quite rightly - of running away from my problems all my life and I didn't want him to think that's what I was doing now. I just wanted to speak to a professional before I faced him.

He asked me how it had gone and I had to explain I hadn't got the call I expected. That made me well up AGAIN so I went and hid in my room. And cried. I now have chapped skin round my eyes btw.

When he went out this evening I came down here to check various websites. My current knowledge:

- I can't commit suicide with ibuprofen (the only drug I have in any quantity)
- I've worked out what I think is the worst case scenario for my debt - £4k, although I still might not admit that to HM
- I'm going to call the National Debtline tomorrow and see what my options are. This is also a charity and does not offer loans - it's a genuine tool for people not managing their own debt.
- Tonight I have decided I may be able to cope with this and move on - the bubble I've been livng in here was attractive enough that I think I want it for real ie no more secrets, no more looking over my shoulder.