Baby Advice for Juju
 

Okay, guys. Every time I talk to Juju I give him baby advice, and he says I'm not alone. Ju says that it would be nice to have all the advice in one place, and I can't think of a better place than this. So let him have it!

1. Get gas drops. They saved my life.

2. Use Pampers...don't use the cheesy diapers till the baby gets older. And NEVER use the cheesy diapers overnight.

Do they break and spill shit everywhere?

no. they don't hold enough....they leak, or they disinegrate into shards of cotton. then you have a sheet changing, a bath, and a new outfit at 3am.

hmmmm....

Jeez.. this is pathetic. I've got two kids, now 8 and 4, and I can't come up with any good advice on the nitty-gritty. So I guess I'll give meta-advice.

Educate yourself, and then follow your best judgement. Don't let other people (especially relatives) push their advice on you or make you feel guilty because you're not doing it "the right way" (aka the way they did it).

Your most valuable tools as a parent will be patience and perspective. Try not to freak out over every little thing.

Sleep when you can. Don't try to outsmart the kid's schedule ("I might as well stay up another hour, she usually wakes up hungry about that time").

And finally a word of advice from my mom: "When you go out somewhere and you see some kid acting up or doing something stupid... do not EVER say, 'well, MY kid will never do that.'"

At 6 months, start whispering in her ear as she sleeps, "elope, elope, elope". It'll save you a fortune down the road.:rolleyes:

Baby advice:

1: No MTV ever, especially if its a girl. No Brittney Speers, no Madonna, no Christina Agulara. Unless of course you are planning on raising a hootchie mama.

2: Read to the kid. Start as soon as it comes home from the hospital and keep it up.

3: Get a copy of the Constitution and Bill of Rights and make the kid read them.

4: Manners. No one likes a rude kid. Sir and Ma'am should be mandentory.

5: Keep them out of The Gap and Old Navy stores. The Gap and Old Navy are what is wrong with America. Wal-Mart isn't much better.

6: Military school is always an option.

Maggie M....

Juju's in Arkansas. I don't think he really has a choice on the hootchie mama thing.

Sage wolf advice on childraising:

Get as much practice as you can with other people's children. Unless you drop them on their heads, they are difficult to damage permanently. Minor corruption is expected and encouraged. But remember ... those adults you offend today, are the ones likely to give your children loud toys as presents for years to come.

Always put an extra shirt for YOU (and mommy) in the diaper bag. Those things are huge for a reason. No matter how big the puke bib is (polite people call this the "burping cloth") the kid WILL miss it. Probability of getting the entire puke load down your back increases with the value, sentimental or actual cash, of the shirt you are wearing.

The earlier you teach your children about television and videogames, the earlier they will bogart the remote control/game controller when YOU want to play. Too much television is bad for children. Tell them this. Limit their time on the tube so that you can still finish the newest Tom Clancy Game.

Bedtime is not negotiable. Be firm about it. Do not have one of those kids who stays up until Nightline is over.

For your own safety, never refer to your offspring as belonging solely to your spouse, especially if the child is crying or has really gross poopy diapers.

You make it through the first couple months, and nothing that they do on Fear Factor will seem scary to you.

There's more, of course, but that should unsettle you quite enough for now.

Don't have anymore after this one...yep, that works. :)

Sycamore day cannot possibly be October 13 because that is ThisOleMiss Day.

Forget the beer, send diamonds or cash.

Maggie M...

Well, Sycamore Day is technically Sunday, the 12th. However, it is observed on the second Monday in October...or third, depending on where the 12th falls.

I was going to put this in another post, but figured it would better come in handy here...

if you have a JuJu Junior (I felt like I was stuttering there for a minute) - make sure you make potty training fun.

With target practice.

Toss some cheerios or goldfishies in the bowl, and have him aim. Makes the toilet a lot less 'scary', and may make his wife a LOT happier down the road.

(Since ya'll tend to miss and all!) :)

Dagney

Beestie's tips (I have a 3.625 year old AND a 2.5 year old).

Keep mood altering substances nearby unless you like driving to the 7 freakin' 11 at 10:30 at night because you are not sure you can hold out any longer :-)

Love them with all your heart - all they want is love. I know, I know.

OleMiss' comments are dead on - read to them.

Onyx comment about picking your battles is sage advice - there are simply too many - to win them all is to crush their spirit.

One I'll throw in is to make them earn their self-esteem. I don't think spoon-fed self-esteem sticks. My 3yo is in karate and my 2yo is in ballet. I don't force them either - they LOVE it. They are both very strong willed little persons and that gives me considerable joy. I don't discourage them from standing up to daddy but it must be done respectfully and there are consequences if they are wrong.

Lastly, pray. Seriously. Kids are more than grownups can bear. A little devine assistance is welcome.

Get set up with a computer next to the crib (*THE* crib, not your crib). Then get a subscription to my Rush 24/7 website. Play the days program instead of those silly kids songs and by the time your kid is 5 , they too will be addicted to painkillers.


Or is that....YOU will be....

Elspode's Baby Advice to Juju:

1) Rent, never own. As soon as you take them home from the hospital, their trade in value plummets.

2) Buy the extended warranty. It will save you hundreds of thousands of dollars in case something goes wrong.

3) Make sure your baby comes equipped with the optional Mute switch. Never be asked to leave a wedding or theater again!

4) It is an old wive's tale that cats steal babys' breath. They do not. They do, however, love to root through their diaper pails. This goes double for dogs.

5) It is never too early for your baby to start generating income for the family. If you aren't offered a commercial shoot or starring role in a sitcom for your baby right away, consider more mundane employment for him/her, such as being a doorstop or being an older child's plaything.

And finally...never undercook fresh or recently thawed baby. Always use a meat thermometer. Baby is done when it is tender and flakes easily with a fork, or reaches an internal temperature of at least 225 degrees.

:eek:

Just a modest proposal, right?

ThisOleMiss, what do you recommend when your 5-year-old daughter comes home from Kindergarten singing "Oops I Did It Again"???

Elspode, I always said that whoever named the flower "baby's breath" had never been near an actual baby.

BWHAHAHAHA!

      Baby advice? Ick. Look Juju, do all the baby stuff that you have to, let your wife do the rest. It's no fun. They just lay there, eat, poop and cry. Okay, these things do trigger weird emotional responses, but babies still aren't any real fun. Oh yeah, when she cries for an hour for no apparent reason, suck it up. It'll pass and the massive headache you have will fade.
      Kids are much more fun when they become Toddlers. You get to toss them around then. Which is doubly fun since in addition to the child's look of joy you get mom's look of horror. Good stuff.
      Then you have to teach them to speak, endure these endless hours of lessons. Also never hesitate to scream at those that try to teach your child to mispronounce words because they think it's 'cute.' You might want to warn your wife that will happen now, the screaming I mean. I do regret I didn't start being flat rude to people that did that right off the bat. Trust me, talking reasonably to people on the subject doesn't work. I did get rude, but by that time my daughter had been taught that sounding stupid was a good thing. Much more work for me.
      Anyway, from toddler up is good. There's nothing quite like watching a personality form. Well, till they hit the mandatory rebellion years of the teens anyway. On a related topic, any parent that says they never felt the urge to beat the hell out of their kid is lying. People just don't admit it 'cause they think it makes them bad. Nah, it's natural, you're only bad if you give in to the urge.

      By the by, the best advice so far was "be consistent." It's worth it all the way around.

I don't really have baby advice as I have never had babies. I got 3 pre-teens though. My advice for when they get older:

I like the be consistent. Also - don't talk down to them when they do something wrong - be honest with them and tell them why you are upset. (This is really easy to say I know - but harder to do. I find myself slipping all the time.)

      Oh yeah, I forgot. Put a roll of paper towels around the stick you beat the kid with. That way it'll still hurt, but won't leave marks. No DHS problems that way.