Dad

[DanaC]

* This is an extremely raw version. I will heavily rewrite it, but here's a first draft.


Dad
I watch you as you walk.
Your footsteps, slower than before.
The dressing gown you wear,
hangs from you, awkward
and more than you need.

A momentary pain
crosses your face,
I see you wince.
Your mouth open slightly
as you struggle to breathe.

I try to cheer you up,
I talk about the programmes that
you watch.
The cop show, American and slick.
I foster interest. I watch the same show.

Something I say catches your ear,
You smile, a small grin.
And I see my brother there.
In the rope of muscles tensing down your arm,
Your stance, the way you lean against the wall.

Was that how you used to look?
So long ago, I didn’t know,
the way that this would go.
In the end, is this the way it all goes?
Echoes of a face that I once knew.

The hacking cough at night,
the sleeplessness.
The nurses cannot know, they’d never guess,
How neatly that you ate.
The way you’d fold the wrapper of a sweet.


I flatter you with memory.
I change you every time I think of you.
I take a decade off,
I change the view.
It shocks me every time that I see you.

[DanaC]

I am thinking I need to either remove or rewite verse 5. I don't like the way it scans. Last verse I am not sure about either heh

[footfootfoot]

I flatter you with memory;
change you every time I think of you.
Take a decade off;
change the view.
It shocks me every time that I see you.

[footfootfoot]

Was that how you used to look,
So long ago? I didn’t know
this was the way it would go.
In the end, is this the way it all goes?
Echoes of a face I never knew.

First line you question was that how you looked, last line should reflect the not knowing.

Just an idea. A really beautiful and touching poem.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Excellent first draft, Dana.

[skysidhe]

I flatter you with memory;
change you every time I think of you.
Take a decade off;
change the view.
It shocks me every time that I see you.




My favorite part too.

[DanaC]

Thanks for the feedback guys! Most useful and appreciated. I think losing the repetition of 'I' in the last verse in particular, makes it scan a lot better.

[Cyclefrance]

Beautiful poem Dana - the words and images come alive. Reminds you how it's the little things that make the person and that you remember. Brought back fond and sad memories of my own father. Thanks.