Velvet Heart

Ibby · 04-26-2006, 11:56 PM

A Glam ballad I wrote a few weeks ago for my band. I'm in the process of recording the guitar to it, so I may post that at some point.

Tommy was a good boy growing up at home
Played with all the girls, unlike the other guys
Never saw a problem with acting like a chick
Only different thing he saw hung right between his thighs
But as he got older the other guys did too
And Tommy for his feelings was oft chastised
Cause while the men chased all the ladies
Love for men Tommy was forced to disguise.

Soon enough our Tommy left his two-bit town
Hitchhiked across the country, off to study art
Met a man called Sandy somewhere along the way
Fell in love at once, and from his side did not depart
Out on dates all day, making love all through the night
For months they spent not a single day apart
But Sandy ran away with a girl down the street
Leaving Tommy with nothing but a broken velvet heart

CHORUS: Soft as summer wind
But dark as a starless night
Velvet heart, beat on
Day in and day out
Living with pained memories
Tommy waits alone…
A sensitive man
Betrayed by his only love
Nowhere left to go

Without his companion Tom wasted away
Got run out of town just cause he was gay
So drifting alone Tommy's grief turned to rage
Working between towns, our boy earned no wage
Stole someone's gun and went looking for Sandy
His only friends were the road and his brandy
Hitched a ride on some peddler's cart
Iron and ice hardened round his velvet heart

CHORUS

He wandered for a year, all across the west
Pistol at his waist and a dark void in his chest
Spent a night in Reno, and came across his mark
Followed Sandy to his motel under the cloak of dark
Checked his gun, snuck in the back door
Broke his way into room four
Tommy found Sandy, and as he slept
He murmured one name, tossed, turned, wept

That soft summer wind
That dark, cold, and starless night
The velvet heart gone
Tommy heard his name
In that voice he knew so well
They were both alone
Forever in love
Sandy's heart brimmed with regret
…
But Tommy's heart had grown too cold…

Ibby · 04-27-2006, 02:01 PM

...hello?

Ibby · 05-23-2006, 10:25 AM

C'mon, someone's gotta have some kinda critique for me... Like it? Not like it? Anything?

Ibby · 05-26-2006, 12:39 AM

Does anyone even pay attention to this forum, besides the story thread?

smoothmoniker · 05-26-2006, 01:05 AM

hard to give a critique without the music. Lyrics out of context to me always sound like teen angst poetry, but the setting often puts it in a different place.

skysidhe · 05-26-2006, 08:42 AM

I critiqued it yesterday Ibram.

Critiques require changes. Like eliminate the word gay. Find another way to describe his feminine nature. Cut out the second to last paragraph. Cut out the name sammy.It takes the attention away from the main character. Make the chorus both soft as summer paragraphs. Don't thyme his gayness.

I think that's about it this early in the am.

I didn't want to post it thinking like smoothmoniker said. Hard to tell without the music. Then I wondered if it was serious...seriously.

skysidhe · 05-26-2006, 08:50 AM

Why would anyone actually use the word 'gay' in a song? or rhyme it for that matter.? I don't want to hurt feelings but one shouldn't. Not because it's wrong....it's just ...well ,gay.

sorry if I step on egos. I can do that when I speak my mind. ....but you asked for it right!

Happy Monkey · 05-26-2006, 11:10 AM

What's wrong with "gay"?

Ibby · 05-26-2006, 11:17 AM

Uh, I used gay cause tommy, in the song, is gay, as in he likes the cock. It's a glam ballad, and so the topic is suitably glam and ballad-y.

Take out the next-to-last verse? That's one of the most important, without it the story falls apart. Reread the song, thinking about it as a ballad, a story.

EDIT: You critiqued it yesterday? When? I don't see a critique...

wolf · 05-26-2006, 01:13 PM

Despite the preponderance of high tenors and the use of hairspray and lipstick in glam metal/rock, I think they are all supposed to be straight. Gay themes don't play well in that context.

I would not have had oversized posters of Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille had they sung mournful tunes about homosexual men.

Trilby · 05-26-2006, 01:49 PM

I try hard not to critique anyone since the Angus O'Mann Affair.

It was very difficult.

PS-I had a HUGE crush on C. C. DeVille

skysidhe · 05-26-2006, 04:31 PM

@ Ibram,

I didn't actually post it. I chickend out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glam_metal

If Bon-Jovi couldn't do it. Neither should you

Ibby · 05-27-2006, 02:59 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say Glam METAL, as in Hair Metal, I said Glam. As in Ziggy-era David Bowie, T. Rex, Lou Reed...

wolf · 05-27-2006, 02:09 PM

Same deal. Gay unrequited love ballads don't play well.

04-26-2006, 11:56 PM	#1
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Velvet Heart A Glam ballad I wrote a few weeks ago for my band. I'm in the process of recording the guitar to it, so I may post that at some point. Tommy was a good boy growing up at home Played with all the girls, unlike the other guys Never saw a problem with acting like a chick Only different thing he saw hung right between his thighs But as he got older the other guys did too And Tommy for his feelings was oft chastised Cause while the men chased all the ladies Love for men Tommy was forced to disguise. Soon enough our Tommy left his two-bit town Hitchhiked across the country, off to study art Met a man called Sandy somewhere along the way Fell in love at once, and from his side did not depart Out on dates all day, making love all through the night For months they spent not a single day apart But Sandy ran away with a girl down the street Leaving Tommy with nothing but a broken velvet heart CHORUS: Soft as summer wind But dark as a starless night Velvet heart, beat on Day in and day out Living with pained memories Tommy waits alone… A sensitive man Betrayed by his only love Nowhere left to go Without his companion Tom wasted away Got run out of town just cause he was gay So drifting alone Tommy's grief turned to rage Working between towns, our boy earned no wage Stole someone's gun and went looking for Sandy His only friends were the road and his brandy Hitched a ride on some peddler's cart Iron and ice hardened round his velvet heart CHORUS He wandered for a year, all across the west Pistol at his waist and a dark void in his chest Spent a night in Reno, and came across his mark Followed Sandy to his motel under the cloak of dark Checked his gun, snuck in the back door Broke his way into room four Tommy found Sandy, and as he slept He murmured one name, tossed, turned, wept That soft summer wind That dark, cold, and starless night The velvet heart gone Tommy heard his name In that voice he knew so well They were both alone Forever in love Sandy's heart brimmed with regret … But Tommy's heart had grown too cold…

05-23-2006, 10:25 AM	#3
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	C'mon, someone's gotta have some kinda critique for me... Like it? Not like it? Anything? __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

05-26-2006, 12:39 AM	#4
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Does anyone even pay attention to this forum, besides the story thread? __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

05-26-2006, 01:05 AM	#5
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	hard to give a critique without the music. Lyrics out of context to me always sound like teen angst poetry, but the setting often puts it in a different place. __________________ to live and die in LA

05-26-2006, 08:42 AM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I critiqued it yesterday Ibram. Critiques require changes. Like eliminate the word gay. Find another way to describe his feminine nature. Cut out the second to last paragraph. Cut out the name sammy.It takes the attention away from the main character. Make the chorus both soft as summer paragraphs. Don't thyme his gayness. I think that's about it this early in the am. I didn't want to post it thinking like smoothmoniker said. Hard to tell without the music. Then I wondered if it was serious...seriously. Last edited by skysidhe; 05-26-2006 at 08:47 AM.

04-27-2006, 02:01 PM	#2
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	...hello?

05-26-2006, 08:50 AM	#7
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Why would anyone actually use the word 'gay' in a song? or rhyme it for that matter.? I don't want to hurt feelings but one shouldn't. Not because it's wrong....it's just ...well ,gay. sorry if I step on egos. I can do that when I speak my mind. ....but you asked for it right!

05-26-2006, 11:10 AM	#8
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	What's wrong with "gay"? __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

05-26-2006, 11:17 AM	#9
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Uh, I used gay cause tommy, in the song, is gay, as in he likes the cock. It's a glam ballad, and so the topic is suitably glam and ballad-y. Take out the next-to-last verse? That's one of the most important, without it the story falls apart. Reread the song, thinking about it as a ballad, a story. EDIT: You critiqued it yesterday? When? I don't see a critique... __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

05-26-2006, 01:13 PM	#10
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Despite the preponderance of high tenors and the use of hairspray and lipstick in glam metal/rock, I think they are all supposed to be straight. Gay themes don't play well in that context. I would not have had oversized posters of Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille had they sung mournful tunes about homosexual men. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

05-26-2006, 01:49 PM	#11
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I try hard not to critique anyone since the Angus O'Mann Affair. It was very difficult. PS-I had a HUGE crush on C. C. DeVille __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

05-26-2006, 04:31 PM	#12
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	@ Ibram, I didn't actually post it. I chickend out. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glam_metal If Bon-Jovi couldn't do it. Neither should you

05-27-2006, 02:59 AM	#13
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't say Glam METAL, as in Hair Metal, I said Glam. As in Ziggy-era David Bowie, T. Rex, Lou Reed... __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

05-27-2006, 02:09 PM	#14
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Same deal. Gay unrequited love ballads don't play well. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

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