My F'd Up Past - and Future Hope

[Sundae]

See - I tried to make even the thread title optimistic.

Okay - I screwed up. Again. Big time.
But I cried for 24 hours (nearly the whole 24 hours I admit) and I'm willing to start facing up to my problems again.

Sorry, seems like a lot of what I do here is blub about how badly I've screwed my life up. I'm just not good at doing this in real life and I'd rather get support/ a kick up the arse from you guys than hold it all in. I promise no-one is harder on me than I am on myself, just need to translate that into living right in the first place.

Last night there was a noise outside and my HM went to look. There was a man at the front door (who hadn't knocked) and he asked for me by name. He said he had come to ask about money I owed on rent in Leicester. He named the main road next to where I lived, but not my road. I corrected him and then said I was aware I owed some money but as I was on benefits and would pay when I was able. He thanked me and said he'd get "them" to contact me and left.

I was in shock. It was only when he'd gone that I realised I had no idea who he was, where from, he'd shown no ID and he hadn't even used my surname. He didn't give my previous address and the fact he hadn't even knocked suggested he wasn't sure I lived there.

Screw up #1

All I can say is live and learn, I won't ever give details about myself to strangers again.

The bottom line is I haven't done any real harm because I do owe the money, I genuinely don't have it and have no seizable assets. It's brought it to the forefront of my mind, which was rather buried in the sand, assuming I could contact them when I was back on my feet again (I sent them a letter when I moved to this effect)

My HM was SO angry. He basically feels he didn't know the whole story when he invited me to live with him, and now I have strangers coming to his door. He repeated that phrase a couple of times. I do understand and it is a reasonable reaction - he feels as if his sanctuary has been violated. I know I do.

So that's screw up #2

The only person willing to help me feels I've thrown it back in his face.
Not much I can do about that, apart from reassure him that they can't do anything to him or his property regarding my debts (small consolation) and hope I haven't trashed 20+ years of friendship.

So after crying until 02.00 - no, not in his face looking for sympathy, in genuine grief and distress and despair in private - and reading until 04.00, I got up this morning ready to face another day. Not great really. I had a GP appointment scheduled, so I went. It didn't go well. I completely broke down, giving the poor man all my money woes and admitting I couldn't see any way out. I was suicidal and admitted it. The whole of the 30min appointment I was in tears. He was worried enough to try to refer me to a psychiatrist - he called the Rapid Response Team. We talked afterwards and he told me that it wasn't worth losing my life over the small amount of money I owed I almost asked him for a loan.

So I left with a promise that the team would call me on my mobile. I wandered around in the drizzle, waiting for the call. Oh, he also said that the team would put me in touch with social services, so I could get debt counselling when I was less distressed. I also called and left a message with the Christian charity who helped me last time I messed up like this.

No reply from either. Oh and for the record, no reply from my enquiry to join a group session of CBT the other day.

So after 4 hours walking round aimlessly I had to go home. It was so hard. The last time I spoke to HM face to face he was furious. I'd sent him a text to tell him I was walking and waiting for a call because I didn't want him to think I'd stormed off. He accused me - quite rightly - of running away from my problems all my life and I didn't want him to think that's what I was doing now. I just wanted to speak to a professional before I faced him.

He asked me how it had gone and I had to explain I hadn't got the call I expected. That made me well up AGAIN so I went and hid in my room. And cried. I now have chapped skin round my eyes btw.

When he went out this evening I came down here to check various websites. My current knowledge:

- I can't commit suicide with ibuprofen (the only drug I have in any quantity)
- I've worked out what I think is the worst case scenario for my debt - £4k, although I still might not admit that to HM
- I'm going to call the National Debtline tomorrow and see what my options are. This is also a charity and does not offer loans - it's a genuine tool for people not managing their own debt.
- Tonight I have decided I may be able to cope with this and move on - the bubble I've been livng in here was attractive enough that I think I want it for real ie no more secrets, no more looking over my shoulder.

[skysidhe]

If you gave no fowarding address then it was probably a P.I. and undoubtedly you were scared but we all do things we second guess about later. Of course you know next time what to do.

The man you live with genuinly cares otherwise you wouldn't be there. Try to trust in yourself.


You are a good person and you need to let things settle and they will!
Everyone usually owes money to someone. You'll work it out when you are in a better situation. Please don't fret. Have a nice cup of tea and know there are so many people that think you are beautiful inside and out.

* I feel so lame and inefficient about this*
I know that isn't very much to hang onto. I have had roofers banging on the ceiling since this am and I have a headache..owooow..
otherwise I could go on and on about how wonderful you are SG and how about everything will work itself out.

[Cicero]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

My HM was SO angry. He basically feels he didn't know the whole story when he invited me to live with him, and now I have strangers coming to his door. He repeated that phrase a couple of times. I do understand and it is a reasonable reaction - he feels as if his sanctuary has been violated. I know I do.

Chill out........Jesus.

If your HM can push you around that easily I'd say debt is the least of your problems.

Is your "HM" a control flippin' freak or wtf?

edit* edit*

Try to get on your feet before people have you on your knees is all.....

[glatt]

Hey Sundae, you know we all think you are great, right? Don't forget that. You are Sundae Girl!

You may feel overwhelmed now, but you will get though this difficult time. Not that long ago, you held down two jobs, right? The one in the office, and the other in the shop? When you are feeling better, I'm sure you will find a way to get back on your feet again. Once that happens, you can pay off the debt.

Your HM was pissed, but he will get over it. He thinks you are great too. Just talk to him about it. Explain what's going on. He will understand. Talking about it with him will probably make you feel better too.

Seriously, try not to be so hard on yourself. You are Sundae Girl!

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Cicero

Is your "HM" a control flippin' freak or wtf?

I guess from your reply that you get what I mean by HM, but the relationship isn't like a normal landlord or just a friend. He's seen me through tough times over the years and offered me a lifeline by letting me move in. I don't think it's about the debt so much as the fact he feels I deliberately hid it. And he's a good, honest, hardworking man - everything he has is from this. Then he takes me in and within 2 months there's a stranger on the doorstep talking about unpaid debts.

Thanks Sidhe - I don't deserve praise, but it's good of you to be so kind.
Glatt - you're right. I'll take night work in a supermarket again if I have to. I have done it before. Much as I would love to win the lottery, I like working.

I must remember not to dwell on the past but change my future.
This time 24 hours ago I was in a very different place, 24 hours later I will be too.

[Shawnee123]

My dear, I know about the seemingly insurmountable debt and the stress it puts on you...it's very painful. But you WILL be OK.

As glatt said, you are Sundae Girl, and the love people here feel for you is really quite amazing. And you deserve every iota of it.

[limey]

Making a pro-active call to the debt counselling people is a great idea SG! So much better to feel that you are doing something, rather than waiting for something to happen. Make a realistic plan with them and stick to it - complete with wallcharts and little gold stars and anything else that shows you you are moving in the right direction!
As to your housemate - I suppose you take a deep breath, apologise to him for not putting him fully in the picture, tell him what you are doing to get yourself out of debt and how much you appreciate and value the help and support he has given you so far.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Please do not kill youself. You have no idea how much this will hurt and damage all those that know and love you. Please.

[Clodfobble]

I know this is little consolation, Sundae, but I have personally known people to slowly but surely manage themselves out of $30,000 in debt (or roughly 15,000 pounds.) The numbers are very overwhelming to you right now, because they are yours, but they are not so huge in the grand scheme of things.

I think that a grocery store shift would be a really good idea, not just for the money but for the opportunity to get out of the house, socialize with customers, and have a personal feeling of accomplishment. In my mind, your biggest problems right now are emotional. Begin to conquer those, and the financial situation will be settled much more easily.

Do you lose any portion of your benefits if you start working, even part-time?

[Sundae]

You're all kinder than I deserve. Remember no-one held a gun to my head re these debts. I just let utility bills bounce while going "La, la, la" with my hands over my ears. You put me to shame with your kindness.

Limey I'm scared at how I really considered suicide as an option. But glad that even when I believed the dose I had in my room was fatal, it still remained in its blister packs. Perhaps it's true that some people are born without the ability to act on the urges.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Do you lose any portion of your benefits if you start working, even part-time?

I will, yes. But that doesn't worry me. My main reason for waiting til November is that I am officially signed off until then and my GP said he does not expect me to work before that - and perhaps not even then. We had a double length appointment the first time I saw him, and he said due to my history he would prefer me to take things slowly.

Hence trying to get group work (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and wanting to volunteer at the charity shop. Which reminds me I forgot to ask him about that today (he needs to sign me off as capable of work before I can volunteer). I may send a letter to the practice - I think he'd take a leave of absence if he saw me on his patient list any time soon.

[xoxoxoBruce]

The stiff upper lip loses something with snot dripping off of it, so dry up the water works and think positive. You'll be back in the groove before you know it. We got faith.

[Sundae]

I'm not actually a crier (cryer) under normal circumstances. I mean I cry at anything sad on tv, film or in a book, but it's over in minutes. This scared me - I felt like I had no control.

All done now. Talked to HM who was wise and fair. And didn't say exactly what I wanted to hear, but that's the risk when you have friends and not imaginary conversations.

My marathon crying jag seems to be over. I have an uphill fight, but I'm bak in control.

[freshnesschronic]

Best of luck Sundae Girl. If I was more wise I would contribute-but I'm not so I can only offer you online forum support and knowledge to you that someone else connected to the Internet billions of breast strokes away cares and wishes you the best as you climb back into the driver's seat.

[Flint]

Dude, can't you say anything without stroking some girl's breast?

[Aliantha]

SG, I personally have been in your situation before, but my debt was nearly $20000 by the time I hit bottom and was forced to actually do something about it.

I organized a loan and had my brother as guarantor on the loan for me (because the bank wouldn't take me on otherwise) and slowly but surely, I paid it off.

There's nothing special about me, so if I can do it, so can you!

I have been in a lot of debt and felt like there was no way out SG and know how humiliating it and what surrounds it can be.
I am so sorry you are going through this and send you much love.
You can and I believe you will get through this stronger and better off for having conquered it.