03/05/03: New Languages

juju · 03-05-2003, 07:25 PM

I suppose most of you know by now that a home pregnancy test has indicated that my wife is pregnant. In fact, she's taken four of the tests so far, and has passed every one of them. We patiently await her doctor's appointment next Monday, where she will be administered a blood test and we will know "for sure". It's my understanding that positive results from home pregnancy tests are very accurate, though, as the HCG hormone that is tested for is not present in the woman's system unless she is pregnant.

Since we decided that the test was probably accurate, I've began slowly enumerating through a range of emotions. Mostly, I don't know what to think. I just don't know. I know I'm supposed to feel something, yet everytime I search myself, I just draw a blank. Somehow, I felt that this was wrong of me. People are supposed to feel something when they hear they're going to have a child. Is there something wrong with me? Am I an uncaring, evil bastard? Am I just protecting myself? None of these seem like the right explanations, and yet I still feel like my emotions (or lack thereof) are somehow in the wrong.

I knew that my mom would be excited, though. She's been eagerly awaiting grandchildren for a long time, I think. So last Sunday, we made the 45-minute drive from my college town to my hometown to visit our family and tell my mom the good news.

Kathy had already told her mom on the phone by this time, and had gotten no reaction at all. She was a little distressed at this, but I comforted her and told her that her mom was just protecting herself. She doesn't want to commit to a path of emotions and then find out that the blood test says that her daughter isn't pregnant. Then she'd feel dissapointed, so she's just protecting herself.

There was considerable tension in the buildup to going to my mom's house. I suppose I was sort of hoping to be able to feed off of my mom's excitement, and hoping that it would give me some sense of how I was supposed to react.

But my mom didn't have any visible emotional reaction at all. Just like me. This is not what I wanted, and I was hugely disappointed and disillusioned. She only asked who our doctor was. She did call up her nursing friends who worked in our city and asked them questions about the doctors in the area, but it was all very professional-seeming. I wanted excitement, and I got none.

I felt betrayed. She's never held any interest in anything I've ever done, and now that I've done the greatest thing of all, she just doesn't care. I felt even more hopeless, like I'd never know how I was supposed to feel. I began to feel even more empty inside.

My mom left temporarily to take Kathy to her family's house, and left me with my brother. I asked him to play some music for me. He asked me what kind. I told him, "You know how sometimes music can have, like, energy that you feed off of? And you need it. Like a battery. And if you don't get it, you become empty and start to wither? I need music that I can feed off of." So he played a String Cheese Incident cover of Roundabout by Yes, and some other really good stuff I hadn't heard before. He's really into live music and the 'jam bands', so he's got a ton of music. It really helped me a lot. I actually felt like I was physically taking energy from the music and using it for myself.

I told him how I felt, and he said that's how it would be in the beginning, but that my excitement would grow and grow. Small at first, but then bigger and bigger, until it all just explodes. This made me feel better. Like maybe how I felt had some sort of validity after all.

A few days later I'd been thinking about what had happened, and I realized that I'd made a huge mistake. Since when do I look to other people to tell me how I feel? Since when don't I trust my own feelings? To thine own self be true -- I live by that. I'm just not the sort of person to not trust in the validity of my own feelings. I can't believe I did that, and it became quite obvious to me that I set myself up in a huge way. Everyone who depends on other people to tell them how they feel ends up disappointed. I already knew that! I don't know why I strayed so far from my personal individalistic philosophies. It was just stupid of me. I understand, of course. This hasn't ever happened to me, and I was just blindsided emotionally. Lost, if you will. Perhaps now I can stay on track.

I am sort of excited, but I'm really uncertain as to how this is all going to turn out. Most of the child-rearing philosophies I've developed don't even apply remotely to infants. I won't know what to do. Thankfully, my wife has always loved kids and been great with them. Even though this is her first child, I think she'll know just what to do. She even said she'd teach me.

And then there's always the chance that she's not pregnant. The tests could all be wrong. I see this as unlikely, but apparently our mom's think it is likely. She's missed two periods already, and also has every single one of the other symptoms you're supposed to have. So if she isn't pregnant, then something is seriously wrong with her.

I'll end with some lyrics that I really feel express my feelings right now.

On second thought, how 'bout just a link?

Skunks · 03-05-2003, 09:22 PM

I don't really get people being 'excited' about having a kid. Yeah, it's a fairly significant thing, but, barring a handful of unlikely possible happenings, it's a fairly predictable thing. Why spend the next 9 months nervous and excited, then spend the following two years intensely taking care of a snotball?

I'm by no measure an authority on the subject, and I think I missed a few logical stepping stones in reaching this conclusion, but here's my take anyway:

Little needs to be actively done (by you, at least) at this point to 'have' a kid, short of keeping all parties concerned alive and such. Get plenty of sleep, slow down, relax, take things as they come. Pretty soon, you'll be overwhelmed with things to do.

perth · 03-05-2003, 09:47 PM

i didnt let myself get excited until i saw the ultrasound. and then i wouldnt let myself get too stoked until i felt him kick the first time. i wouldnt be worried, juju. you have a long time to get used to the idea. my first real emotion came the moment i heard him cry... and when he peed on me. there is a *lot* to experience, so its good that your pacing yourself. :)

~james

Whit · 03-06-2003, 01:57 AM

     Hmm, I remeber when my ex-psycho got pregnant with my son. I think I felt nothing at first, then came the mind numbing sense of responsibility. Of course I was 18 at the time. Six years later when I found out about my daughter she was already two months old so I kinda skipped straight to, "When can I see her?" That and kind of a deep seated need to be there for her.
     Then there was my daughters other half-brother (four days older than my son) who before the paternity test on my girl-child said to me, "I hope you are her dad because that means you'll keep coming around and things go right for me when you're around." That was like having a world fall on my shoulders, his world. I was like "Yep, here it comes, sympathy from knowing how hard this four year olds life has been. Right, here's the saddness 'cause his Dad doesn't care... Oh, there it is, the mind numbing sense of responsiblity." These day's when asked I say, "I've got 2.5 kids, two by blood, one by spirit."
     Ok, after a quick review I realize that this post must come with an offer of one free arkie joke to all readers. Have fun.

Griff · 03-06-2003, 06:52 AM

juju, I'd say your emotions are completely normal. The whole thing will get more real as the pregnancy progresses.
[prostelizing] The important thing is that you and your wife take complete responsibility for the childs health and well-being. My wife and I took Bradley Classes to that end. I think its a far better system than lame ass er Lamaze. It emphasizes proper nutrition and drug free husband coached child birth. You will learn to read your wifes progress through birthing and know when to encourage and when to shut the fuck up! Check it out. My wife is totally into it and we had two naturally birthed chidren to show for it.[/prostelizing]

juju · 03-12-2003, 09:08 PM

I didn't reply back at first because I was thinking about how I felt about the whole thing. That doesn't mean I didn't take your words into account, though. It was very relieving to actually get some perspective, and your words made me feel a lot better.

It just goes to show that even though my philosophy is one of independent thought and staying true to myself, it's not always that easy to live up to it. I guess I just had this idea in my head about how people in that situation were 'supposed' to behave and react, and when my own instincts didn't fit my perception of the norm, I got worried. Silly, very silly.

Nightsong · 03-15-2003, 10:22 AM

If it helps some for the lighter side of things watch the comedy of Bill Cosby "Himself" I enjoy his version of children and life thereafter...lol Just remember one important thing: Do not rotate your life around your baby to where you have no life just have he or she blend into your world.

03-05-2003, 07:25 PM	#1
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	03/05/03: New Languages I suppose most of you know by now that a home pregnancy test has indicated that my wife is pregnant. In fact, she's taken four of the tests so far, and has passed every one of them. We patiently await her doctor's appointment next Monday, where she will be administered a blood test and we will know "for sure". It's my understanding that positive results from home pregnancy tests are very accurate, though, as the HCG hormone that is tested for is not present in the woman's system unless she is pregnant. Since we decided that the test was probably accurate, I've began slowly enumerating through a range of emotions. Mostly, I don't know what to think. I just don't know. I know I'm supposed to feel something, yet everytime I search myself, I just draw a blank. Somehow, I felt that this was wrong of me. People are supposed to feel something when they hear they're going to have a child. Is there something wrong with me? Am I an uncaring, evil bastard? Am I just protecting myself? None of these seem like the right explanations, and yet I still feel like my emotions (or lack thereof) are somehow in the wrong. I knew that my mom would be excited, though. She's been eagerly awaiting grandchildren for a long time, I think. So last Sunday, we made the 45-minute drive from my college town to my hometown to visit our family and tell my mom the good news. Kathy had already told her mom on the phone by this time, and had gotten no reaction at all. She was a little distressed at this, but I comforted her and told her that her mom was just protecting herself. She doesn't want to commit to a path of emotions and then find out that the blood test says that her daughter isn't pregnant. Then she'd feel dissapointed, so she's just protecting herself. There was considerable tension in the buildup to going to my mom's house. I suppose I was sort of hoping to be able to feed off of my mom's excitement, and hoping that it would give me some sense of how I was supposed to react. But my mom didn't have any visible emotional reaction at all. Just like me. This is not what I wanted, and I was hugely disappointed and disillusioned. She only asked who our doctor was. She did call up her nursing friends who worked in our city and asked them questions about the doctors in the area, but it was all very professional-seeming. I wanted excitement, and I got none. I felt betrayed. She's never held any interest in anything I've ever done, and now that I've done the greatest thing of all, she just doesn't care. I felt even more hopeless, like I'd never know how I was supposed to feel. I began to feel even more empty inside. My mom left temporarily to take Kathy to her family's house, and left me with my brother. I asked him to play some music for me. He asked me what kind. I told him, "You know how sometimes music can have, like, energy that you feed off of? And you need it. Like a battery. And if you don't get it, you become empty and start to wither? I need music that I can feed off of." So he played a String Cheese Incident cover of Roundabout by Yes, and some other really good stuff I hadn't heard before. He's really into live music and the 'jam bands', so he's got a ton of music. It really helped me a lot. I actually felt like I was physically taking energy from the music and using it for myself. I told him how I felt, and he said that's how it would be in the beginning, but that my excitement would grow and grow. Small at first, but then bigger and bigger, until it all just explodes. This made me feel better. Like maybe how I felt had some sort of validity after all. A few days later I'd been thinking about what had happened, and I realized that I'd made a huge mistake. Since when do I look to other people to tell me how I feel? Since when don't I trust my own feelings? To thine own self be true -- I live by that. I'm just not the sort of person to not trust in the validity of my own feelings. I can't believe I did that, and it became quite obvious to me that I set myself up in a huge way. Everyone who depends on other people to tell them how they feel ends up disappointed. I already knew that! I don't know why I strayed so far from my personal individalistic philosophies. It was just stupid of me. I understand, of course. This hasn't ever happened to me, and I was just blindsided emotionally. Lost, if you will. Perhaps now I can stay on track. I am sort of excited, but I'm really uncertain as to how this is all going to turn out. Most of the child-rearing philosophies I've developed don't even apply remotely to infants. I won't know what to do. Thankfully, my wife has always loved kids and been great with them. Even though this is her first child, I think she'll know just what to do. She even said she'd teach me. And then there's always the chance that she's not pregnant. The tests could all be wrong. I see this as unlikely, but apparently our mom's think it is likely. She's missed two periods already, and also has every single one of the other symptoms you're supposed to have. So if she isn't pregnant, then something is seriously wrong with her. I'll end with some lyrics that I really feel express my feelings right now. On second thought, how 'bout just a link? Last edited by juju; 03-05-2003 at 11:03 PM.

03-06-2003, 01:57 AM	#4
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Hmm, I remeber when my ex-psycho got pregnant with my son. I think I felt nothing at first, then came the mind numbing sense of responsibility. Of course I was 18 at the time. Six years later when I found out about my daughter she was already two months old so I kinda skipped straight to, "When can I see her?" That and kind of a deep seated need to be there for her. Then there was my daughters other half-brother (four days older than my son) who before the paternity test on my girl-child said to me, "I hope you are her dad because that means you'll keep coming around and things go right for me when you're around." That was like having a world fall on my shoulders, his world. I was like "Yep, here it comes, sympathy from knowing how hard this four year olds life has been. Right, here's the saddness 'cause his Dad doesn't care... Oh, there it is, the mind numbing sense of responsiblity." These day's when asked I say, "I've got 2.5 kids, two by blood, one by spirit." Ok, after a quick review I realize that this post must come with an offer of one free arkie joke to all readers. Have fun. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

03-06-2003, 06:52 AM	#5
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	juju, I'd say your emotions are completely normal. The whole thing will get more real as the pregnancy progresses. [prostelizing] The important thing is that you and your wife take complete responsibility for the childs health and well-being. My wife and I took Bradley Classes to that end. I think its a far better system than lame ass er Lamaze. It emphasizes proper nutrition and drug free husband coached child birth. You will learn to read your wifes progress through birthing and know when to encourage and when to shut the fuck up! Check it out. My wife is totally into it and we had two naturally birthed chidren to show for it.[/prostelizing] __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

03-05-2003, 09:22 PM	#2
Skunks I thought I changed this. Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: western nowhere, ny Posts: 412	I don't really get people being 'excited' about having a kid. Yeah, it's a fairly significant thing, but, barring a handful of unlikely possible happenings, it's a fairly predictable thing. Why spend the next 9 months nervous and excited, then spend the following two years intensely taking care of a snotball? I'm by no measure an authority on the subject, and I think I missed a few logical stepping stones in reaching this conclusion, but here's my take anyway: Little needs to be actively done (by you, at least) at this point to 'have' a kid, short of keeping all parties concerned alive and such. Get plenty of sleep, slow down, relax, take things as they come. Pretty soon, you'll be overwhelmed with things to do.

03-05-2003, 09:47 PM	#3
perth Strong Silent Type Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Fort Collins, CO Posts: 1,949	i didnt let myself get excited until i saw the ultrasound. and then i wouldnt let myself get too stoked until i felt him kick the first time. i wouldnt be worried, juju. you have a long time to get used to the idea. my first real emotion came the moment i heard him cry... and when he peed on me. there is a lot to experience, so its good that your pacing yourself. :) ~james

03-12-2003, 09:08 PM	#6
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	I didn't reply back at first because I was thinking about how I felt about the whole thing. That doesn't mean I didn't take your words into account, though. It was very relieving to actually get some perspective, and your words made me feel a lot better. It just goes to show that even though my philosophy is one of independent thought and staying true to myself, it's not always that easy to live up to it. I guess I just had this idea in my head about how people in that situation were 'supposed' to behave and react, and when my own instincts didn't fit my perception of the norm, I got worried. Silly, very silly.

03-15-2003, 10:22 AM	#7
Nightsong Wang Dude Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: South Carolina Posts: 177	If it helps some for the lighter side of things watch the comedy of Bill Cosby "Himself" I enjoy his version of children and life thereafter...lol Just remember one important thing: Do not rotate your life around your baby to where you have no life just have he or she blend into your world.

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