06/28/02: Doling out Respect

[juju]

Respect. How do you give it out, and in what quantities? Under what conditions?

The assistant manager where I work looks about 35 years old, and I look about 18.

A few days ago, a guy I work with found out that I am 26. He was even more astonished to discover that I am 2 years younger than the assitant manager. After a few seconds ponderance, he stated, "I'll have to start giving you more respect".

I responded with a very perplexed "Why?".

He just said, "Well, you're older, and you've had more experiences".

I tried to convince him to not give me more respect just because I was older, but it was to no avail.

Just because i've had more of an opportunity to have experiences doesn't mean that i've actually had them. I could have sat in my room my entire life (actually somewhat true). And even if I did have more experiences, who's to say I learned from them? I think a young person can be wiser than an older person if they learn from their life lessons more efficiently. But it seems some people automatically give older people more respect.

This seems in direct contradiction to how most people tell me they give respect. These people give no respect, or a minimal amount of respect, to people they don't know. Then, as time goes on the person can "earn" their respect by doing good things. Are older people getting a free ride in this scheme?

My scheme is different. I respect everyone -- even strangers. I treat complete strangers as my utter equal. Then, as time goes on, if they burn me I may take some respect away.

I think this causes people to like me more. This isn't the goal, of course; it's just a side-effect. People like being treated with respect.

I think it bothered me that he said that because older people always think that they're better than younger people. This makes me so red-hot angry. Just because younger people haven't had the chance to learn what older people have learned, they think they're so superior. And then to have younger people actually go along with this outrage! "Respect your elders" indeed. Piss on your elders! Whatever happened to judging people based on what they've done and said? It's all thrown out the window, and people are given more respect just for being older.

[SteveDallas]

I don't have much to say on the subject of respect (I personally make a distinction between respect and courtesy--just because I'm courteous and polite to someone doesn't mean I respect them). But, your anecdote reminded me of a good one. My wife manages a small retail store; it's currently her, one full-time clerk, and one part-time clerk. At one point she's at the cash register and telling a customer that no, she will NOT sell him something for less than the ticketed price, that these are the prices and they're not open to negotiation. The customer replied, "How do you know? Why don't you ask the manager?" and pointed over to one of the employees who was putting some stock out on the shelves. And, hard to believe, this putz didn't immediately slink out of the store in shame when my wife said, "I AM the manager." I know I would have.

[MaggieL]

Originally posted by juju

A few days ago, a guy I work with found out that I am 26. He was even more astonished to discover that I am 2 years younger than the assitant manager. After a few seconds ponderance, he stated, "I'll have to start giving you more respect".

What an idiot. Why didn't he just come right out and say "I've been dissing you because I thought you were a sprout."
:-)
There's plenty of reason to expect an older person to be acting from a larger experience base than a younger one. There's no guarantee of better judgement from an older person, of course...there are elderly idiots and boy geniuses.

That said, there are nuances of life and human behavior that are very difficult to pick up on unless you've simply been around people for a long time. Again, being older is certainly no guarantee of this...some folks are simply paying more attention than others. But expecting someone, say, under twenty, to understand some issues in the same depth and way most forty year olds do is just not smart, no matter how much it appeals to someone's sense of egalitarianism.

Ther are some life expereinces that are transformative. One is having and raising children. Another is losing friends and family --especially parents-- to death. There are a lot of others. For me learning to fly an airplane turned me into a very different person, because it required me to come to grips with fear, courage and self-confidence in very different ways. And if I'd learned to fly at 16, as some people do, it would have affectied me very differently than it did happening when I was 35.

You might want to explore with yourself why this is such a hot-button issue for you. The answer might be interesting.

[Nic Name]

Respect, courtesy, admiration, consideration, deference ...

The original post above calls it R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but touches on many other concepts, and blurs the distinctions, which may confuse the discussion.

[juju]

Originally posted by Nic Name
Respect, courtesy, admiration, consideration, deference ...

The original post above calls it R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but touches on many other concepts, and blurs the distinctions, which may confuse the discussion.

A good point.. perhaps I should look up the definition and closely define my terms? I just laid it out like it was in my head, but I guess there might be a few different factors in play.

[MaggieL]

Originally posted by Nic Name
Respect, courtesy, admiration, consideration, deference ...

The original post above calls it R-E-S-P-E-C-T, but touches on many other concepts, and blurs the distinctions, which may confuse the discussion.

Good point. Certainly the word "respect" itself has many related, but distinct meanings.

Respect Re*spect", n. L. respectus: cf. F. respect. See
Respect, v., and cf. Respite.
1. The act of noticing with attention; the giving particular
consideration to; hence, care; caution.

2. Esteem; regard; consideration; honor.

3. pl. An expression of respect of deference; regards; as, to
send one's respects to another.

4. Reputation; repute. Obs.

5. Relation; reference; regard.

4. Particular; point regarded; point of view; as, in this
respect; in any respect; in all respects.

7. Consideration; motive; interest. Obs.

8. To have respect of persons, to regard persons with
partiality or undue bias, especially on account of
friendship, power, wealth, etc. ``It is not good to have
respect of persons in judgment.'' --Prov. xxiv. 23.

Syn: Deference; attention; regard; consideration; estimation.
See Deference.

"They do respect her but[t]...they love to watch her strut" -- Bob Seger

[juju]

Originally posted by MaggieL
What an idiot. Why didn't he just come right out and say "I've been dissing you because I thought you were a sprout."
:-)

Well, I don't really mind. People can think what they want of me I suppose. I just don't want respect soley because i'm older. It just seems like a silly reason to me.

There's plenty of reason to expect an older person to be acting from a larger experience base than a younger one. There's no guarantee of better judgement from an older person, of course...there are elderly idiots and boy geniuses.

That said, there are nuances of life and human behavior that are very difficult to pick up on unless you've simply been around people for a long time. Again, being older is certainly no guarantee of this...some folks are simply paying more attention than others. But expecting someone, say, under twenty, to understand some issues in the same depth and way most forty year olds do is just not smart, no matter how much it appeals to someone's sense of egalitarianism.

Agreed. Many older people do know more. But it's just... do they have to act so smug about it? Do they have to treat younger people like they're so inferior? That's what really bothers me. I know that most of them do know a lot. But I don't think that gives them the right to treat people the way they do.

Ther are some life expereinces that are transformative. One is having and raising children. Another is losing friends and family --especially parents-- to death. There are a lot of others. For me learning to fly an airplane turned me into a very different person, because it required me to come to grips with fear, courage and self-confidence in very different ways. And if I'd learned to fly at 16, as some people do, it would have affectied me very differently than it did happening when I was 35.

I do recognize this, and whenever I meet an older person I make it a point to pay attention and try to soak up any lessons they might have learned. Some weren't paying attention. But I get excited when I find someone who was paying attention, because I have the chance to learn some things without having to spend 50 years doing it.

That said, even though I always make it a point to learn as much as I can from older people, I still give them the same respect as I would a 10 year old.

You might want to explore with yourself why this is such a hot-button issue for you. The answer might be interesting.

Ah, I promise I will. :)

[Nic Name]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB

[Aretha says "take care, TCB" = take care of business. The Temptations also had an album called TCB--Takin' Care of Business.]

[elSicomoro]

Respect is a strange beast...

I tend to respect older people because, as a whole, they have more life experience than I do. Although as Maggie said, there are elderly idiots and boy geniuses. We can read about anything, but to actually live through it and offer your own perspective of it is another story.

Unfortunately, there are some older folks out there that don't seem to give much respect to the younguns. And by the same token, there are young people out there that don't seem to have much respect for elders.

It's hard to say just what makes one bestow respect upon another, and I think it varies from person to person. For myself, I think it involves a combination of honesty, courtesy, knowledge, integrity, and character. In order to respect somebody, you have to know a bit about who they are. Above all, it has to be earned.

I liked kb's distinction between courtesy and respect. I would say that lots of people (including myself) misuse the word "respect." I don't respect many folks on the Cellar. Not because I hate them, but because I don't really know them. Of course, if they stay around a while, and I get to know them better, then the opportunity for respect arises.