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02-12-2006, 07:08 PM | #1 |
trying hard to be a better person
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16,493
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Constitution of Australia
WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional boong.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. WE are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable." At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet. Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian bloody Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
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02-12-2006, 08:08 PM | #2 |
Icy Queen
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Southeast Alaska
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I'm pretty sure the part about Queensland is true. That's where we go (my husband is an adjunct lecturer/ professor at Bond Uni).
It is so beautiful! |
02-12-2006, 08:20 PM | #3 |
trying hard to be a better person
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16,493
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I reckon the first part of that statement is true...but being a Qlder myself, I'm kinda willing to argue about us all being dickheads. lol
What does your husband lecture in?
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Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber |
02-12-2006, 10:28 PM | #4 |
Icy Queen
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Southeast Alaska
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He works with the criminology department.
And I don't agree with the dickhead part Everybody I met there was soo friendly! The giant bats (sorry - I mean flying foxes), enormous lizards and those freakin' huntsman spiders were a bit worrisome, but other than that I love it! |
02-13-2006, 01:05 PM | #5 |
I'll Have Sprouts With That
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Think I'd feel right at home in the Northern Territory....(sigh) maybe someday....
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02-13-2006, 06:17 PM | #6 |
trying hard to be a better person
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16,493
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Ahhh...criminology. Since all those US crime shows hit the screens here a few years ago, there's been a huge increase in the number of students wishing to study criminology and forensic science at Uni's all over the place.
I reckon it's a great place to live too. I'm not far from the Goldie.
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Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber |
02-13-2006, 06:22 PM | #7 |
The Sheriff of Nothingland
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aus
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Melbourne is very homely. i wouldnt want to live anywhere else in the world. except maybe wilsons promontory (southern victoria). or florence...
but id still come back to melbourne |
02-13-2006, 06:28 PM | #8 |
trying hard to be a better person
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16,493
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I like Melbourne. Nearly moved there once...and now it's on the cards again! We might be neighbours!!!
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Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber |
02-13-2006, 07:31 PM | #9 |
Icy Queen
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Southeast Alaska
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Kagen - Melbourne is homely? I didn't think it was that ugly!
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02-14-2006, 07:08 AM | #10 | |
tri-continental dag hag
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Australia
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Quote:
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02-14-2006, 08:50 AM | #11 | |
dar512 is now Pete Zicato
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Quote:
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"Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller |
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02-14-2006, 09:41 AM | #12 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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homeˇly
adj. homeˇliˇer, homeˇliˇest 1. Not attractive or good-looking: a homely child. 2. Lacking elegance or refinement: homely furniture. 3. Of a simple or unpretentious nature; plain: homely truths. 4. Characteristic of the home or of home life: homely skills. homˇey also homˇy adj. Informal homˇiˇer, homˇiˇest Having a feeling of home; comfortable; cozy.
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02-14-2006, 10:17 AM | #13 |
Icy Queen
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Southeast Alaska
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Hmm.... I am quite the simpleton. I use homely for ugly, and homey for....well homey.
I should have caught the LOTR reference earlier, as I have been accused of being a Hobbit on more than one occasion. |
02-14-2006, 10:30 AM | #14 |
The future is unwritten
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 71,105
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Me too. I went to the dictionary to show the difference between homely and homey only to find they overlap. Who'da thunk it?
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The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. |
02-14-2006, 11:46 AM | #15 |
Goon Squad Leader
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Of course they overlap! What the l were you thinking? :smile:
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