What's that ring really do, anyways?

Kitsune · 09-26-2005, 11:22 AM

"Oh, god, the ring changes everything! It makes your life hell, locks you in, and makes everything miserable. You'll never live another day as you know it, currently, ever again. Don't do it, whatever you do! Don't get married!"

Well, the idea of marriage has entered my mind, but it is quite a ways off yet and for now I'm simply entertaining the idea. (Hey, yeah, I met someone, by the way. Woot.) What I've heard from several people, just as above, is that living together is one thing and being married is something entirely different. The majority of people that say this tend to portray marriage in a bad light and that having a ring on your finger turns that person you were shacking up with from a love to a demon. As it has been repeatedly explained to me, getting married apparently tears lives apart, turns women greedy and evil, and makes men long for the days when they were in college and stupid-drunk every night. A reaction must take place once the ring slides onto the finger, changing brain chemistry or something of the sort.

"Even living with someone for years and sharing your life with them isn't the same as being married. It is entirely different."

Really? Why? What changes and why is it so often stated to be such an unpleasant event?

glatt · 09-26-2005, 11:43 AM

First of all, congratulations!

The only change is that you are making a lifetime promise to be with this person. That's obviously a very big deal. It a good thing if you have chosen the right person. It's a bad thing if you haven't. Pretty simple.

I can't tell you why people are advising against marriage. My wife and I just celebrated 12 years yesterday. I can't say enough good things about marriage. It rocks! Just choose your spouse wisely. We lived together before we were married. Even when we lived together, we were clear with eachother that we intended to spend the rest of our lives together. We made the promise, but without the formality. For us, there was little change between that and getting married. For others, who are just casually living together without that type of commitment, there may very well be a big adjustment to married life.

If you do decide to get married, I think it's a great idea to have premarital counseling. It tells you a lot about one another and helps to give you tools that use can use to make your marriage work better.

Troubleshooter · 09-26-2005, 12:22 PM

People aren't against marriage. People are scared of the legal ramifications of a failed marriage. Before the gov't came in and decided it was their job to decide how people are to obligate themselves to each other I'll wager things weren't so bad.

The ring is a tangible indicator of that.

Also, getting married always changes the nature of the relationship. Just not necessarily negatively. Sometimes it can cement a bond even further.

Clodfobble · 09-26-2005, 12:28 PM

Congratulations (or at least, pre-congratulations)! I agree with Glatt, incredibly little changed when my husband and I got married. But I think that's because we were in a similar situation--we weren't just 'living together' as a goal in and of itself, we were aware that we would be getting married someday and interacted accordingly.

There are two really big things that I've seen "change" for other people, though. The first is money: obviously it's a little unreasonable to completely merge your finances before you're married. It is critical that you have a plan about the finances before you open the joint checking account. Personally, I think it's better if one person handles most of it. For us, that was easy--my husband was very irresponsible with money, and he knew it, so he eagerly deferred. In return, $100 a month goes into a separate account that he can spend on whatever the hell he wants to and I can't gripe about it (usually this goes towards DVDs, videogames, and woodworking tools he'll never use.

) We also have our finances completely merged--both paychecks get dumped into one account, and his debt that he incurred before we were married is our debt, plain and simple--but that doesn't work for everyone.

The second thing that sometimes changes is the level of independence. If, while living together you have rules like "I don't have to tell you where I'm going," and "I don't have to explain why I came home so late," and "I can spend $200 on a pair of shoes if I want to," and "Don't tell me how to interact with my family," etc. then it can be jarring when one partner (rightly) expects those rules to go away once you're married. But to me, independence like that makes you more like roommates, not soon-to-be-husband-and-wife. If you never start out with those rules, you never have to end them.

wolf · 09-26-2005, 12:41 PM

If you treat marriage as disposable, it will be.

melidasaur · 09-26-2005, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Troubleshooter

People aren't against marriage. People are scared of the legal ramifications of a failed marriage.

The legal ramifications of merely cohabitating are much worse than those involved in marriage - meaning - there is no legal process provided if you break up and have bought stuff/property together. Process is better than no process and just hope that you never have to go through any process at all.

Tonchi · 09-26-2005, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitsune

"Oh, god, the ring changes everything! It makes your life hell, locks you in, and makes everything miserable. You'll never live another day as you know it, currently, ever again. Don't do it, whatever you do! Don't get married!"

I think if a person gives you this kind of warning, it means they know more about YOU than they do about marriage. There are some people of both sexes who should just not get married, and for some reason that fact is cristal clear to everybody except the poor unfortunate who actually DOES marry them

seakdivers · 09-26-2005, 07:50 PM

I don't know what the difference is exactly, but there is a difference. I just got married last month, and even though we had been living together for the past four years, there was a definite change for the better after we got married.

Lemme think on that, and I'll get back to you....

SmartAZ · 09-27-2005, 06:50 AM

You are married when you decide you're married. The ring, the license, the ceremony, are all symbols. Don't ever mistake a symbol for the thing it symbolizes.

You are legally married if you can get two witnesses to testify that you presented yourselves in public as husband and wife. A page from a family bible or a signed guest list is all the documentation you need for any court in the country, but verbal testimony is enough. No license is required. In some states the license is officially described as a three way contract between the bride, the groom, and the state.

Your name is anything you say it is. The driver's license bureau doesn't care if you have a marriage license, or a court order, or nothing at all, as long as there is no apparent attempt at fraud. They simply record all the names you have ever used. (Some of the clerks don't know that.)

plthijinx · 09-28-2005, 02:26 PM

congrats Kit. It definitely depends on your outlook of your relationship with the sig. other. i think i may have said it somewhere in the cellar before that i would never get married again because of my ex. well.......that's not entirely true. i am actually considering it myself, perhaps sometime next year. i/we just have something we have to get through first. heh. never say never.

wolf · 09-29-2005, 12:33 AM

What does the ring do? Well, if you can read the inscription, you might be able to figure it out ...

lheene · 09-29-2005, 05:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Troubleshooter

People aren't against marriage. People are scared of the legal ramifications of a failed marriage. Before the gov't came in and decided it was their job to decide how people are to obligate themselves to each other I'll wager things weren't so bad.

The ring is a tangible indicator of that.

Also, getting married always changes the nature of the relationship. Just not necessarily negatively. Sometimes it can cement a bond even further.

This is too true. People who get married often think of prenuptial agreements, liquidation of property upon divorce, etcetera. This makes the idea of marriage far from romantic. The ring, then, becomes a symbol for being tied/weighed down instead of being bound in love and companionship.

xoxoxoBruce · 09-30-2005, 09:39 AM

Just remember, when the next big hurricane comes she gets to fill half the trunk of the car with her crap and you have to leave half of your valued possessions behind.

Kitsune · 09-30-2005, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Just remember, when the next big hurricane comes she gets to fill half the trunk of the car with her crap and you have to leave half of your valued possessions behind.

"Gee, honey, I guess I picked up the wrong plastic bin by accident in the evacuation confusion! But, hey, it looks like we're not going to lose our 'The War in the Pacific' DVD collection!"