01/12/03: Computer Guy

[juju]

When I was a teenager, I met this guy who was as obsessed with computers as I was. Quite a find, since back then, in my area, computers were still mysterious, complicated, and exotic. I was exhilerated to actually find someone in person that I could actually talk about computers with.

I sort of stopped talking to him after a while because I found that he was one of those types who're obsessed with having things. You know the type: Bigger, better, must have more! Did you hear about the new X gigahertz CPU? I have 2 gig of RAM, yeah baby! My video card is so fast. Look how great it renders things!

He sort of reminded me of this guy I used to play D&D with. He always wanted the biggest, strongest character. He was literally obsessed with power. He would use all sorts of obscure rule tweaks to get really beefy characters, and then would be just itching to get in a big fight. That was like his climax, and he would talk about the battles his characters had been in for weeks afterwards. I can almost see the orgasm expression on his face as he killed 100 Orcs with one fell swoop of his sword-of-ultimate-power.

Computer guy reminded me of RPG guy, though not as intense or insane about it. I think it's because I've always been a lover of utility. Why obess over all the new hardware that's on the market when your computer is more than up to any task you're likely to put to it? What's it all good for? What about enjoying things for what they're meant for, and not just because they're bigger, faster, better?

A few years later, I visted his new house to obtain some software. He had gotten married and moved out of his parent's house (I hadn't). This was interesting to me, because it was like my prophecy. After all, he was like me, only farther down the road.

His house was a complete wreck. Now, I'm not the sort to really care about such things, because I really don't get it. I don't think it reflects on people's character at all. When people apologize to me about their house being messy, I usually just roll my eyes. But I had never seen a disaster like this before. It was difficult to find room to walk in some places.

That's not even it, though. He had two kids; little kids, just old enough to speak. They were filthy, and they were starving. While we were oogling over his computer and talking about the latest software, they would come in occassionally and beg him for food. "Please, daddy, I'm starving. I need to eat." "Go away, I'm working on the computer". He barely even looked at them whenever this would happen, because he was so obsessed with what he was doing. When he was into what he was doing, nothing could break his attention. Just like me.

That image of starving children and a man hunkered over a computer sears into my head to this very day. I'll never forget it. To me, that was my future. I'm just like that guy. I knew that I would be like that someday.

I'm so obsessed with computers that nothing can break my attention. I used to forget to eat. I'd just forget! I'd go all day before the hunger pangs would sieze me and my stomach would clench, and I'd feel like falling over. Only then could I be hassled enough to go downstairs and get some food in my system, and that was only because it would let me get back to being on the computer.

Am I just like that guy? The image haunts me, that I might have kids someday and treat them like that.

Today, my wife has an irrevokable license to get my attention. No matter what I'm doing, even if it's saving the world, I'll stop what I'm doing and go into the bedroom to be with her. It takes real disipline, but I have rock-solid devotion to hold up our deal. Today, she's never had to do without my attention whenever she's needed it.

But only because of computer guy.

I have the same problem. I'll look at my phone and see that it's 10:55 AM. "Cool, cafeteria opens in 5 minutes. I'm starving." And then I'll look again, a few seconds later, and it's 3:19 PM. "Fuck, cafeteria closed 20 minutes ago and I'm starving."

I can't tell you how many times Jenni has come home and said "did you eat the _____ I left in the fridge?" "No, I forgot." I just get so involved that time passes quicker than I can even notice.

Things are a bit different right now because I don't have all of my computers, so I'm just sitting here on the couch stealing internet access every once in a while. Once I get 'em back though, I know that I'll be back into it. It's not to the point of neglect of others - but it's not great either. It's not an obsession. It's love.

Some people exist only to serve as a warning to others. Luckily, you're not one of 'em.

[Whit]

     I've got to agree with Dave's closing statement. In my case, half my family are alchoholics. I can see that I have similar traits that suggest to me that if I start drinking then I'll become one too. So, I don't drink, ever. Not even socialy, not for New Years, not even for Wolf's birthday. ;)Therefore, I'll never be an alchoholic. Learning from the mistakes of others is a potent skill.

     One thing, as long as you play by the rules you set don't think in the term's "that guy is me". You may have avoided his mistake only because you saw him fall pray, but you did avoid it. Of course, if you break your rules and become like him you're worse, because you did it with full knowledge...