Things we just have to accept

[Griff]

I mentioned in another thread that Dad and I had some good positive interactions recently, the dementia seemed under control and we didn't have any of those conversations where he has obviously been obsessing over stuff or plugged into hate radio to long without speaking to humans. Over the last few days, he's had a series of seizures and had his Atavan dose increased. He is still on a much lower dose than most but this is a progressive disease and one way to watch the progression is his dosage needs. I just have to accept that this is where we are and this is how it will be.

[Spexxvet]

It's sad to see someone deteriorate. Hang in there, Griff.

[jimhelm]

resisting reality only causes pain, it's true.

'Pain is inevitable...suffering is not.' - Buddha

You're a wise fellow, griff. 'Just having to accept' the situation does not mean that you don't feel the pain it causes though. Sorry he's declining. I hope you and your dad have as much good time together as you both need and want.

[Griff]

Thanks fellas. The pain is real but it doesn't need to be built into something inhibiting life. I fear my brother isn't approaching that place. Being out of town the decline is measured by what we say to him and it is tough having me tell him of good stuff one day and of hospitalizations the next. Add in a heaping portion of the guilt he was raised on and he has quite a burden.

[glatt]

I'm sorry Griff. It's a bittersweet time at this age, watching our parents decline, but at least we have the joys of seeing our kids grow.

[Griff]

Truly. I am doubly blessed in the wonderful kids department. My older girl is going on college visits, while the younger figures out her place in high school (place finding may be a lifetimes work for her) big things and little things are happening I just need to remember to notice.

I welcome others' input in this thread as well sometimes we just fail to realize what it is we need to accept. Someone elses struggle can educate our own.

[footfootfoot]

Sorry to hear that Griff. It is not easy to watch the slow unraveling of a life that was once so vibrant.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Having experienced both, I think watching mental deterioration is worse than physical.

[Griff]

My Mom's body failed and my Dads mind is failing, time gets us one way or another but I'd agree that a failing mind is a more frightening prospect.

[Clodfobble]

Sorry to hear you're on the downhill slope with your Dad, Griff. Of course we can never know how we'll feel until we get there, but I've often thought I would prefer something relatively quick and unexpected for my parents. I can't decide whether that's purely selfish or not, and of course we don't get to decide in any case.

But you sound like the most well-adjusted member of your story, so at least your brother will have someone there for him. Maybe your dad too--having watched 4 relatives go in different ways, it's become very clear that the bitter ones suffer far more than the accepting ones, in addition to the extra burden it places on their loved ones. Maybe your brother would feel better if he were able to see your Dad being in a peaceful place about it himself.

[Sundae]

My sorrow to you also, Griff.

My Mum is suffering from Grandad's physical decline.
He has recently decided he has a horror of going into a home, and has started saying he doesn't need to - he can get by on his own. What he means is he can cope if he has more and more input from Mum. She's looked after hom for years, but now he needs a visit at least twice a day (not including the carers who come morning and evening) as well as all the gardening, cleaning, laundry and ironing she does for him.

I'm sure mental decline is more horrifying, but seeing a parent's mood decline and them become fractious and ungrateful because of their physical disabilities (cataracts and Parkinsons in Grandad's case) is also painful.

Thank goodness for decent and loving children.
I think I'll just have to take the overdose way out when I get that age

[Griff]

Your Mum is in a very tough place and it sounds like Grandad is making it harder. It is very hard for him to do this gracefully but the toll on your Mom may be even harder. You may be able to give her permission to reduce her burden, some people just need that. She may be thinking of herself as a model for you,... people need to have reasonable expectations for one another. I'm trying to impart that on my girls without the unhealthy dose of martyrdom my family is known for.

[Sundae]

I take as much off her as I can.
I help mostly by knowing what he is like and giving her permission to laugh about it.
Of course it's the silly things that hurt - the other day she made him a small cooked breakfast for lunch - bacon, sausage, egg and beans. He ate the lot and said - "That's great... I didn't know you could get brown sauce in squeezy bottles...!" But she could come home and tell me, and I could identify.

He also has a habit of praising what I do and what I buy - the Vitamin Water for example - she had been trying to get him to drink more for months and all of a sudden I turn up with something no different than squash (dilute fruit drink) just expensively packaged and all of a sudden he says it's making him feel so much better... Or my buying him food from Sainsbury's which is so much better than Tesco and they should go there all the time (I walkto the supermarket, Mum & Dad drive to a larger one outside town).

On the flip side he'll moan that I don't do things properly, and rather than tell me he stores it up when Mum is away and condenses it into a complaint when she comes home. Some of it is mis-communication and some of it is frankly made up (claiming I didn't answer the phone one day when I was definitely here). Again, between us we understand.

It's a minefield, but I'm glad it's one thing I've been able to help with. Mum has a serious martyr complex I'm afraid - she's the most frustrated and tightly wound person I've ever known. But I admit her adherence to a strict code of Duty has benefited both Grandad and me.

I never want to end up feeling enslaved, and she has since she was about 21.

[Flint]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I frequently remind myself that people could suddenly die (apparently this makes me a Stoic) but I can't bring myself to imagine that my father won't always be strong and sharp. I'm still trying to be like him, but if I don't make it by the time he ceases to be ideal, I guess I'll be stuck wherever I am. It doesn't make sense to aspire to be someone who doesn't share my genetic predispositions.

[Gravdigr]

I'm tired of all the shit I have to accept. But, I accept that I can't change most of it...