Dear Sundae Girl

[monster]

The current situation with your parents/mum sucks. Ridiculously unimportant/non-existant things are being blown out of all proportion and twisted in ways even pipe-cleaners won't bend. Horrible. I bet you feel that, as adults, you all ought to be able to handle upsets and disagreements better, and this makes it feel worse.

I bet that if any one of the rest of us was living with their parents or adult children, we'd all be experiencing pretty much the same sort of crap. Or a different sort of crap to a similar level of pain. Thankfully, most of us aren't. That doesn't make it easier for you, but I don't think your mum hates you or is particularly nasty. You're just both stuck in a situation that isn't necessarily what you'd choose in an ideal world.

I suspect that living with your parents as an adult -especially after living independently- would not be easy for anyone. I suspect that the idea that it gets easier with maturity is a load of bullcrap and almost all the factors that drove you nuts when you did it as a teenager are still there and are exacerbated by the knowledge that you should no longer have to answer to your parents. I suspect that's also a two-way street and parents whose adult children come back home feel suddenly re-restricted, no longer able to fart at will or sit in the front room stark nekkid with their tits rested on their knees etc. Resentment brews on both sides, no matter how much you love each other.

Furthermore, we almost all have plenty of unbearable relative experiences over this holiday time of year, spending just a few days or even hours with relatives who are perfectly pleasant and tolerable from a distance and in small doses. Almost all families reach some sort of bizarre boliling point when forced together and expected to have a good time. I can't even imagine stacking that sort of scenario on top of the adult child living with parents one...... especially because you can't grit your teeth and count the minutes until it's over.

The fact that you are still here and still able to post about it speaks volumes about your current capacity to cope with shit and general resiliance. I think that the worst of your recent "bad period" is way behind you and this ugliness is the crysalis starting to crack. Hang in there, it's perfectly "normal" -if extremely unpleasant- but there's certainly a change for the better in view. Keep on swimming, keep on swimming......

Come January, you will be back at work, the pressure will be released, and the plan to get your life as an independent adult will be back on track, full steam ahead. and your mother will start moaning about you abandoning her again, or the colour of your underwear, or how you wear your earrings....

In short, yes, it's crazy and nasty now. But it's not surprising given the circumstances, and the circumstances really are about to change.

Count the minutes until the panto, and when you get back, it's a whole new start. Hang in there, you'll be fine, and in the meanwhile, try not to sweat the petty stuff. And definitely don't pet the sweaty stuff. Unless it's JB.

- - - -

I swore I'd never do this sort of thing again, but apparently I'm a liar, and I truly care. I've been resisting for days and then mentally composing it while doing other things. If any part of this comes across as bitchy, please disregard that, just my bad writing.

Why didn't I PM? I don't know. Because I suspect other people agree? Because it means more if it's "said aloud"? Because maybe it isn't quite right but nearly there and others can add to it?

[DanaC]

Fuck, I wish I'd said that.

Well-written and spot on I'd say.

[zippyt]

Chin up SG !!!

Listen to What Monster says , its the truth

[plthijinx]

everything monster said and then some. her speech gave me inspiration just now! and i've been down myself lately! thanks mon!

[monster]

yw. now, who's going to come and sort my life out?

[Sundae]

Thanks very much everybody.
I've just come off the phone with my sister - my sister! - and she sympathised. She also has no idea what Mum's beef was with me, although she suspects it was me siding with Dad (apparently the crime that made her storm away from the table was that he had put the jar of cranberry sauce ON the saucer rather than serving the sauce IN the saucer as she'd asked).

Had I known that then I would have snuck up with a cup of tea that evening, rather than sat in confused hurt downstairs with Dad.

So I can only think I've exacerbated things since, by avoiding her I might look like I'M angry with HER, rather than waiting for her to come round (something my sister admits is probably unlikely). And it means I've not been doing the things I usually do for her - despite what she thinks, they are significant - giving her more reason to stay mad at me, as a parasite in HER house where she is unable to row with HER own husband without being judged.

So I've offered another olive branch. With the note I left saying my sis called, I added "If you'd like me to do Grandad's supper just ask." Notes are not an unusal way of communicating in this house, even when we are getting along, so I hope it's taken as it's meant.

I do know it's hard for her too.
Amd I know she's been an angel to take me in - certainly all her friends go out of their way to make sure I know.
I just can't wait for my CRB. Then I can get another job and preferably move out. Even a tiny bedsit would be better than this. Especially if I can get one on our estate, then I'll be near enough to help with Grandad, near enough to pop over and use the computer at wekends and near enough to build bridges back up. Apart from the HUGE rows every now and then, we've done pretty damned well for two women who have emotional and mental issues living together.

[DanaC]

Y'know, my Mum and I really are best friends. Have been since I was in my 20s. She's my GoToGal, my best buddy, the one I talk to five times a day, the one who knows....and vice versa.

Nonetheless when Judah and I split up, and I went to live at her house for almost two and a half years, we drove each other mental oriental. Nobody (apart from J) can wind me up quite like Mum. And I rather think the other way around too.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Two grown women should never live in the same house... unless they're lovers, or Mormons.

[Shawnee123]

Very nice post, monster. And yes, I've been thinking a lot about your situation too, SG. It must be very difficult. I hope posting here helps. Know you are loved by them, and by us.

[kerosene]

I understand the mom conflict. Mine lives about half an hour from me and that is probably too close. She can be so petty! But, I guess so can I.
She does love you, though, and I agree with everyone else...once you are able to get to work and get your own place, things will be so much easier on that relationship.

[Lamplighter]

The best thing that happened for me and my wife,
and that we strongly advocate to our children...

Live at least 1k miles from the parents.
(Glad to see them come... glad to see them leave)

We've only been 33% effective and we really enjoy seeing the G-kids,
but even 100 miles has been close enough to involve us parents
with day-to-day problems that are not really our business.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

Live at least 1k miles from the parents.

My Dad appears to be slipping the chains of reason again over the last couple of days. It is irritating, but then again if he had no local kids he'd have ended up in a home by now. I'd be in a similar frame-of-mind as Sundae if we were under the same roof. I don't think I could handle it...

[Pico and ME]

Whenever Sundae talks about the predicament she is in with her mother, I get instantly tense. I totally empathize with how much she has to compromise in order to keep her living arrangement a safe one for herself. I did it too for a while. My Mom was quick with a stinging retort as well. Even though she readily accepted me into her home, she hated that she had to.

[Sundae]

Oh - Mon - I didn't say, but intended to.
I've never found you bitchy in your personal approach to me.
I've always questioned myself in response to your direct approach and although somethimes I've decided you were off the mark, it's always been a useful exercise.

I did not take exception to anything you said in your OT - it's a sadly complicated situation with no easy solution and I really appreciate that you (and other people) cared enough to post about it.

I AM worried about my Mum, especially as it turns out my sister is too - and generally she only sees the "nicey nicey" side of her. Mum's always bitched about Dad and me to her, but I think that's what is concerning Laura is that Mum's complaints and excuses for her behaviour are getting more spurious. She said that she's worried Mum will only get worse from now on and that she's becoming like Nanny. Now given Laura was pretty much Nanny's favourite (she didn't know my sister ever dated a BLACK MAN) that's pretty insightful. I caught most of Nan's vitriol by being too skinny/ too fat/ too spendthrift/ too miserly with my presents and every other damn thing she could make up.

Anyway - I actually went into the living room tonight to show off my 99p top from eBay. Mum spoke to me directly, "When did that arrive?" Allowing me an easy answer - today - and a request that Mia should be shut away so Diz could come out.

The ice is definitely broken. I won't presume to join them yet though.
I did leave a note on the kitchen table to say they had all the ingredients for Carbonara if they want me to cook it tomorrow night.

I'm doing all I can.
Five days with nothing but online communication is such a grim place to be.
And no, I don't count, "Fries with that?"

[monster]

we need a picture of the top.......