01/02/03: Being uncomfortable in a new city

juju · 01-02-2003, 01:47 AM

My friend Whit came over tonight, and I didn't act like a complete blithering twit. In fact, I was pretty comfortable. This is great. You see, I've spent nearly two years in this little college town, pretty much voluntarily isolated from everyone I used to know. My people skills have been degrading, and not acting like a twit is more of a challenge for me than it used to be.

I think a lot of it is the new city. I'd lived in my hometown since I was two years old. It's all I ever remembered. I was comfortable there. I know it seems silly, but not knowing the city I currently live in, not having a history with it, that really throws me off. It skews my psyche in a very weird yet undetectable way. It's like I don't know what to do. I'm unsure of myself. It's like my entire sureity of self was based on knowing where everything in the city was and who everyone was. I don't know why not being comfortable in my city affects my confidence so much, but it does. It's really weird, because some of the things it affects don't even seem related.

Take, for example, when I'm going to class. You know how when you're going somewhere, sometimes you'll meet someone unexpectedly? How do you react when presented with such an unplanned encounter? Well, somehow, I forgot how this should go. I just completely forgot. What do you do when you have somewhere to be, but see someone you know (and worse, they see you!)? You don't want to be rude, yet sometimes it's appropriate to nod, say "hi, how ya doin'?", and keep walking. But sometimes you're expected to actually stop and have a short conversation. Which of these you do really depends on how well you know the person and how much of a hurry you're in. If they're a small aquaintance, you're permitted to just say 'hi' and keep on walking past them. But if they're more, then more is expected of you. Well, somehow I lost the ability to make this determination. This made me nervous about what to do whenever I ran across anyone I knew on campus. Pretty silly, I know. I'm not sure if people could tell, but it made me very uncomfortable not knowing what to do right away. I've been working on this, though, and I think I've made a lot of progress. If I'm late for class, I've learned to actually say, "Hey! How are ya! I'm late for class! But hey, I'll see ya around.". I've also learned that people respond more favorably when you seem excited to see them.

Like I said, I know this seems pretty unrelated to being uncomfortable in a new city. But somehow, I know it is related. It stems from a general feeling of not being comfortable here. And I think, the more I get used to this place, the more the peripheral problems seem to be going away.

The frightening part is than in a year's time, I'll graduate and I'll be moving to a completely different city. I hope my adaptation experience will be useful.

slang · 01-03-2003, 10:59 PM

I can relate to being uncomfortable in a new city. During the past 12 years I have been working in 8 cities far from my home. Some I have worked, then returned to work there, some not. In my line of work getting truly comfortable hasn’t been an option.

Some people can learn and adapt to a new location to make them comfortable and confident relatively quickly. That sure wasn’t me though. The disorientation does affect one’s general outlook.

juju · 01-03-2003, 11:17 PM

I'm sure it's just because I never moved when I was growing up. We lived in the same town for pretty much my entire life. I guess someone who moved around a lot probably wouldn't have the same problem.

I'm just glad to have finally solved the puzzle.

elSicomoro · 01-03-2003, 11:39 PM

Given that I've lived in several cities, I've tried to adapt to my surroundings as best as possible. And it has worked well, except when I was away at school. The guy with the pierced ears and dyed blond hair didn't go over well in small town America.

slang · 01-04-2003, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sycamore
The guy with the pierced ears and dyed blond hair didn't go over well in small town America.

Kinda tough to win over the Amish people looking like that , huh?

elSicomoro · 01-05-2003, 03:37 AM

Nah, this was southeastern Missouri...no Amish people in those parts.

Whit · 01-05-2003, 12:23 PM

It's an interesting thought. I wonder if it works the other way too? We moved every couple of years when I was a kid and I never feel out of place or second guess my reactions to people. Of course that doesn't mean my responses are always apropriate, it just means that 'I'm' happy with them.
By the by, I've never noticed you acting inapropriately, just a bit shy and quiet. Of course if people are so easily offended by someone not stoping and talking to them then screw 'em. They're to touchy anyway. I don't see any point in tip-toeing around the sensibilities of people you barely know. Life is more fun with that attititude anyway. Also isn't it interesting that you feel okay harrasing the redneck you work with but concerned about people you , appearantly, don't interact with as often?

Undertoad · 01-05-2003, 12:50 PM

I didn't say anything at first but I feel exactly the same way. After my business failed, I moved everything back to my house and now I work out of my house. This means I may go for an entire week without seeing another human being.

I thought I was becoming isolated when I was programming for a living. I'd go to work and just be in my cube all day. Now, that seems extremely social. Wow, I'd greet everyone in the morning, and eat lunch with them, and have little conversations all the time. I was worried because I'd not talk to anyone for hours at a time; now it's days.

I can deal with this, because I grew up as an only child without a father, and solitude is a familiar and friendly lifestyle. But it does mean that once I have to be social, I always wonder whether I can pull it off. (Am I eccentric? Am I an asshole? Do I appear to have some sort of problem? I don't think so, but I can't tell.)

This in turn has led to social anxiety in more cases than I would have liked. Medication (which I take for anxiety disorder) solves this completely, but I still have the learned behavior that social settings are going to be a problem... which means that they are.

juju · 01-05-2003, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
It's an interesting thought. I wonder if it works the other way too? We moved every couple of years when I was a kid and I never feel out of place or second guess my reactions to people. Of course that doesn't mean my responses are always apropriate, it just means that 'I'm' happy with them.

I've always heard that people who moved around a lot when they were young start to become uncomfortable once they've stayed in one place too long. But I suppose it depends on how often and how frequently you moved.

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
By the by, I've never noticed you acting inapropriately, just a bit shy and quiet.

Yeah, and think I've pretty much whittled most of my shyness away over the years. I thought maybe I'd had some sort of setback, but now I realize that I haven't. It's just a combination of several things, all working together. I never realized what a comfortable psychological security blanket I had in Fort Smith. It's really quite disturbing when you think about it. Good riddance, I say; I need to learn operate outside my comfort zone.

It's not that I lost my ability to deal with people. I just lost a certan amount of confidence because of my new surroundings. They sound almost the same, but they're really not. One is a learned skill that cannot be "forgotten", and one is an emotion.

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
Of course if people are so easily offended by someone not stoping and talking to them then screw 'em. They're to touchy anyway. I don't see any point in tip-toeing around the sensibilities of people you barely know. Life is more fun with that attititude anyway. Also isn't it interesting that you feel okay harrasing the redneck you work with but concerned about people you , appearantly, don't interact with as often?

Well, I know his limitations, and it's fun to try to push them. But I never know how someone new might react. They could be offended by the color blue, and I would never even know. Though I do see your point. Why should I care? If I actually stopped caring I would probably be much more relaxed. I shall endeavor to be an uncaring bastard. Hey, at least the women seem to like it!

warch · 01-08-2003, 06:33 PM

Quote:

I need to learn operate outside my comfort zone.

And then you get more comfortable, or it maybe gets attached to you not the surroundings. Not that I recomend this, but one of the best, stupid things I ever did for me was jump out of an airplane. I did it mostly because I was feeling 18, reckless, restless, and "what the fuck". Not anything I ever wish to repeat, I'm no adrenaline junkie. I did this thing that was counter to every survival molecule in my body. I came away with this absurd marker - If I could do that ridiculous thing, surely I can handle this... Somehow its related to the flying of the freak flag.

Kinda maybe related, I have had many female friends get this huge reality shifting rush after birthin' babies. Way outside of comfort. They emerge fearless, bolder, not to be trifled with. A new perspective on zones.

99 44/100% pure · 01-08-2003, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by warch
Kinda maybe related, I have had many female friends get this huge reality shifting rush after birthin' babies. Way outside of comfort. They emerge fearless, bolder, not to be trifled with. A new perspective on zones.

I think part of that boldness -- that "Don't Mess With Me" attitude -- comes from the need to protect the kid (in addition to pride and satisfaction from the huge accomplishment of pushing a whale through a keyhole).

Loved the skydiving story. I'll bet after that you really can do anything! I've always wanted to go hangliding, but as I age, the urge lessens.

warch · 01-09-2003, 10:16 AM

I think Hang gliding would be much cooler. You would, (I imagine) have the sensation of flight and control. This was not the case falling in a parachute- I had the sensation of being a sack of potatoes in a crotch harness. The rush was in the jump, having that plane door open and taking those steps.

More of the silly story: I did my jump in Hazelton, PA, a clear winter day, wearing ski gear under a the jumpsuit. They had a radio strapped to my chest to direct me to the dropzone. I had practiced on the ground, "toggles will drop and allow you to steer right and left..." What really happened is that as the chute opened I was too short to reach the toggles, so I was just floating away, arms flailing. I swore loudly, bit and spit out my gloves, then climbed one side of the chute ropes to get one toggle. (that made the other one pop up even further) So, I could go right. The voice on the radio instructed "Go left...left...left...your other left..." I had to go 180 right to head left. I landed miles away in corn stubble. I like to think the landing was spectacular, of course the only witnesses were farm animals.

01-09-2003, 11:39 AM

Did you land standing or did you fall?

99 44/100% pure · 01-09-2003, 12:10 PM

wow! I'm sticking with hang-gliding!

Griff · 01-09-2003, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by warch
What really happened is that as the chute opened I was too short to reach the toggles, so I was just floating away, arms flailing.

I'm glad you chose a professional outfit!

"What chute you give er Bobby?"

"The Sir Charles model. Okey Dokey haina er no?"

"Dokey."

01-02-2003, 01:47 AM	#1
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	01/02/03: Being uncomfortable in a new city My friend Whit came over tonight, and I didn't act like a complete blithering twit. In fact, I was pretty comfortable. This is great. You see, I've spent nearly two years in this little college town, pretty much voluntarily isolated from everyone I used to know. My people skills have been degrading, and not acting like a twit is more of a challenge for me than it used to be. I think a lot of it is the new city. I'd lived in my hometown since I was two years old. It's all I ever remembered. I was comfortable there. I know it seems silly, but not knowing the city I currently live in, not having a history with it, that really throws me off. It skews my psyche in a very weird yet undetectable way. It's like I don't know what to do. I'm unsure of myself. It's like my entire sureity of self was based on knowing where everything in the city was and who everyone was. I don't know why not being comfortable in my city affects my confidence so much, but it does. It's really weird, because some of the things it affects don't even seem related. Take, for example, when I'm going to class. You know how when you're going somewhere, sometimes you'll meet someone unexpectedly? How do you react when presented with such an unplanned encounter? Well, somehow, I forgot how this should go. I just completely forgot. What do you do when you have somewhere to be, but see someone you know (and worse, they see you!)? You don't want to be rude, yet sometimes it's appropriate to nod, say "hi, how ya doin'?", and keep walking. But sometimes you're expected to actually stop and have a short conversation. Which of these you do really depends on how well you know the person and how much of a hurry you're in. If they're a small aquaintance, you're permitted to just say 'hi' and keep on walking past them. But if they're more, then more is expected of you. Well, somehow I lost the ability to make this determination. This made me nervous about what to do whenever I ran across anyone I knew on campus. Pretty silly, I know. I'm not sure if people could tell, but it made me very uncomfortable not knowing what to do right away. I've been working on this, though, and I think I've made a lot of progress. If I'm late for class, I've learned to actually say, "Hey! How are ya! I'm late for class! But hey, I'll see ya around.". I've also learned that people respond more favorably when you seem excited to see them. Like I said, I know this seems pretty unrelated to being uncomfortable in a new city. But somehow, I know it is related. It stems from a general feeling of not being comfortable here. And I think, the more I get used to this place, the more the peripheral problems seem to be going away. The frightening part is than in a year's time, I'll graduate and I'll be moving to a completely different city. I hope my adaptation experience will be useful.

01-05-2003, 12:23 PM	#7
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	It's an interesting thought. I wonder if it works the other way too? We moved every couple of years when I was a kid and I never feel out of place or second guess my reactions to people. Of course that doesn't mean my responses are always apropriate, it just means that 'I'm' happy with them. By the by, I've never noticed you acting inapropriately, just a bit shy and quiet. Of course if people are so easily offended by someone not stoping and talking to them then screw 'em. They're to touchy anyway. I don't see any point in tip-toeing around the sensibilities of people you barely know. Life is more fun with that attititude anyway. Also isn't it interesting that you feel okay harrasing the redneck you work with but concerned about people you , appearantly, don't interact with as often? __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

01-09-2003, 12:10 PM	#14
99 44/100% pure Infrequently Astonished Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Baltimore metro area Posts: 324	wow! I'm sticking with hang-gliding! __________________ Overcompensating for the 0.56% that is irredeemably corrupted.

01-03-2003, 10:59 PM	#2
slang St Petersburg, Florida Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 3,423	I can relate to being uncomfortable in a new city. During the past 12 years I have been working in 8 cities far from my home. Some I have worked, then returned to work there, some not. In my line of work getting truly comfortable hasn’t been an option. Some people can learn and adapt to a new location to make them comfortable and confident relatively quickly. That sure wasn’t me though. The disorientation does affect one’s general outlook.

01-03-2003, 11:17 PM	#3
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	I'm sure it's just because I never moved when I was growing up. We lived in the same town for pretty much my entire life. I guess someone who moved around a lot probably wouldn't have the same problem. I'm just glad to have finally solved the puzzle.

01-03-2003, 11:39 PM	#4
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Given that I've lived in several cities, I've tried to adapt to my surroundings as best as possible. And it has worked well, except when I was away at school. The guy with the pierced ears and dyed blond hair didn't go over well in small town America.

01-05-2003, 03:37 AM	#6
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Nah, this was southeastern Missouri...no Amish people in those parts.

01-05-2003, 12:50 PM	#8
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I didn't say anything at first but I feel exactly the same way. After my business failed, I moved everything back to my house and now I work out of my house. This means I may go for an entire week without seeing another human being. I thought I was becoming isolated when I was programming for a living. I'd go to work and just be in my cube all day. Now, that seems extremely social. Wow, I'd greet everyone in the morning, and eat lunch with them, and have little conversations all the time. I was worried because I'd not talk to anyone for hours at a time; now it's days. I can deal with this, because I grew up as an only child without a father, and solitude is a familiar and friendly lifestyle. But it does mean that once I have to be social, I always wonder whether I can pull it off. (Am I eccentric? Am I an asshole? Do I appear to have some sort of problem? I don't think so, but I can't tell.) This in turn has led to social anxiety in more cases than I would have liked. Medication (which I take for anxiety disorder) solves this completely, but I still have the learned behavior that social settings are going to be a problem... which means that they are.

01-09-2003, 10:16 AM	#12
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	I think Hang gliding would be much cooler. You would, (I imagine) have the sensation of flight and control. This was not the case falling in a parachute- I had the sensation of being a sack of potatoes in a crotch harness. The rush was in the jump, having that plane door open and taking those steps. More of the silly story: I did my jump in Hazelton, PA, a clear winter day, wearing ski gear under a the jumpsuit. They had a radio strapped to my chest to direct me to the dropzone. I had practiced on the ground, "toggles will drop and allow you to steer right and left..." What really happened is that as the chute opened I was too short to reach the toggles, so I was just floating away, arms flailing. I swore loudly, bit and spit out my gloves, then climbed one side of the chute ropes to get one toggle. (that made the other one pop up even further) So, I could go right. The voice on the radio instructed "Go left...left...left...your other left..." I had to go 180 right to head left. I landed miles away in corn stubble. I like to think the landing was spectacular, of course the only witnesses were farm animals.

01-09-2003, 11:39 AM	#13
dave Guest Posts: n/a	Did you land standing or did you fall?

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