Mortality and Community

[Griff]

Its funny how things fit together. Maybe its just that we all have to deal with the same things... sometimes the timing is just interesting. James posted his losing religion thread which came from losing his sister at an absurdly young age, we buried my friends cancer ridden Mom yesterday, and my Moms recent bout with pneumonia has revealed a terminal cancer. I haven't talked to my other friend lately but their hope for their daughters cancer going into remission is waning.

So, I get to lead my girls through the loss of their Grammie. I've decided to be straight up with them. They know it's cancer and they know that she is very sick but I don't think they have their heads around the finality of the thing. As for me, I mourned back in 1982 when she had her radical mastectemy. We've been on bonus time with Mom since then, we've been blessed. I'm just so glad to know her now as an adult. It turns out, obviously, that Mom is a much more complex person than I knew back then. I'm going to to try to model my care for her on her care for others, including my friends Mom.

We had the funeral at one of the oldest Catholic churches in the area. Its a pretty little woodframe structure with a bad foundation based on the roll in the wainscoting. She was buried in the adjacent cemetary, where all her Irish-American ancestors are interred. She was a huge fan of Irish music and would have been pleased with the version of Lady of Knock that another local woman tore off. I was sitting in that church and at the luncheon after thinking how lucky we are out here in the boonies to still have our community even though its days are probably numbered.

Most of my friends beat feet out of the area because the local economy is crap and America is a mobile society with little patience for community building and maintenance. The right wants a mobile work force and the left wants to replace voluntary community with mandated community, thats two strikes but we'll try to even up the count.

This was gonna be about the utility of religion and ceremony in these moments of transistion, everybody getting together to celebrate a tough woman who had a hard life and reflect on themselves realizing that they need to step up because someone needs to fill the various roles she had in the community. I was thinking about the death of Toads relationship as well and how some kind of get together is appropriate for such things. I forget who it was but I think they were Methodists who formalized their divorce in a religious ceremony. I suppose the same thing could occur with plastic spoons... Community is a difficult concept ecompassing economics, politics, religion, and neighborliness. I'm still chewing on it. peace out griff

[Whit]

      Sorry for your friends loss, Griff, and your impending loss as well. Also, guiding your own kids through understanding their Grammie's death won't be easy, but I think you'll be well suited to the task. Kids are tough, designed to bounce back. We just have to minimize the scarring they take in the process.

      On the subject of community, I think it's dying do to the loss of neighborliness. People don't get to know their neighbors the way they used to. A side effect, I think, of diversity and mobility. If we do meet our neighbors we often have nothing in common and in one of us will probably move in the next few years anyway.
      That's why I think things like the Cellar have sprung up. To fill some of the void left by lowered interpersonal contacts in the real world. Just my opinion I guess.

[darclauz]

My deepest condolences, Griff.

"Bonus time" is an inspiring way to handle that. I will endeavor to remember that grace.

Dar

[warch]

So sorry to hear about your mom. I think you're wise to let your girls be a part of her death, however they can perceive it, just as they're a part of her life. Good thoughts for you all.

There's been much talk of "a good death". Having the knowlege that time is short, you have the grace of saying goodbye with lots of love and care. And it sounds like you have some beautiful hospice models to work from. The wonder of your small community, whatever its fate, is all around you now and you're in it with your young family.

Two weeks ago I was coming home from the store and pulling up in my car. An older woman came up to me looking frantic. Her teeth didnt quite fit. She asked "Is there a man in the house?" I told her no and asked if I could help. Turns out she lives on the next block and her keys would not work in the lock. With the aide of her elderly friend, from the street behind us, we found a ladder, removed a storm window, slit a screen to remove it. (quite the home invading braintrust). As the youngster, I got to flop through her bedroom window, and be greeted by her very vocal terrier. Adventure. Rescue. Hugs were given all around and it felt like neighbors. Ive lived here 5 years, shes lived here a little over 50.

The fate of my old city neighborhood is uncertain once the many grandmas and fewer grampas all go. There are some young families coming, but more are realizing the profit of investment properties so close to campus. But for now, it is my community of strange, delightful, annoying, and increasingly familiar people.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Over the last 10 years I've lost much of my family but it was expexted because of their ages. What has really twisted my head is the loss of so many friends in their late 40's and 50's. People younger then myself that suddenly have heart attacks, strokes, cancer, etc. These are unexpected and the survivors had to cope with no warning and a dwindling support group.

[Griff]

Thanks folks, I appreciate your thoughts. I'm too sleepy to think right now from seeing Bela Fleck and the Flecktones last night cheerful commentary on that coming.