i have nothing to lose

[staceyv]

i feel i have nothing to lose by spilling my guts to you all, because it seems to me that most of you either think i'm crazy or stupid or you don't respect me, etc. then again, some of you are really nice and give good advice...anyway, i posted this on another website, because i felt like i might get trashed here by posting it, but you guys know a lot about my life already and i guess i have nothing to lose by posting this here so here goes:

my life sucks. maybe i'm whining...i mean, my family is healthy, i have a job and a place to live and i don't have a terminal illness or anything, but still, i feel that my life sucks. i am a 27 year old female. i have not one person in the world i can call a friend, except for my husband, and we are having problems. i smoke too much, i really hate my job (waitressing) and i'm afraid to get another job because i have to call out sick two days every month when i get my period because i get such bad cramps, i can't leave my bed and heating pad...and i'm afraid another job woudn't be so tolerant of that! so i feel i'm stuck in this job i hate, dealing with some pretty nasty people, and that is basically my entire life. go to the job i hate, eat sleep, feel bad about my realtionship. i have so many food allergies and intolerances that i can't go out to eat. i live on potatoes, fish and apples. if i stray from that basic diet, i get upset stomach, headaches, etc..i used to go to all different doctors, and they found gluten intolerance and low blood pressure, but none of them were any help. i gave up trying to ever eat like a normal person again. i used to have long blonde hair and i felt so pretty. then i dyed it black, thinking it would look exotic, but it was so unhealthy i had to cut it all off and now i have this stupid,ugly short black hair, so i'm not happy with my appearance, either. i was happy when i used to go to the gym 6 days a week. i felt really good, but since i started waitressing three and a half years ago, i can't work out because i get low blood sugar attacks at work and my muscles feel too weak to carry the trays and i just don't feel i have the energy to do both! so i sacrificed my workouts for this stupid job i hate. i also dropped out of college when i started because i felt so overwhelmed by the damn job and the stress, and i felt that i needed to simplify my life and reduce my stress load, so no more school and studying- gotta pay the rent and the credit card bills! so this job makes it hard for me to work out or go to school, but i fel stuck in it because of my stupid period and the fact that i either need to call out sick two days, or work three weks and take a week off. where else am i going to work that will tolerate that? especially from a new employee? so, my life sucks because of 1) job i hate and i feel stuck in
2) marital problems
3) no friends or social support
4) no goals for the future, no idea of what to do with myself
5) severe menstrual cramps that interfere with my life
6) major cigarette addiction
7) financial problems like credit card debt, and living week to week with no savings and no end in sight
8) unhappy with appearance and nothing i can do except wait over a year until my hair grows
9)can't excercise, even though i want to, because it interferes with work
10) can't eat like normal people. sick of explaining it to people, can't go out to eat.

i feel hopeless and depressed. i used to have goals. now i can't even think of anything i want to do...and when i do get an idea, like "i would be a great accountant, i should go to school for it" all i see are LIMITATIONS! how would i pay for it? i could never handle work and school, that's why i dropped out the first time, if i studied and worked, i would have no time for my husband or myself, what if i did become an accountant? do they want me working for them if i'm calling out sick twice a month?
i'm like this with everything. my life feels controlled by limitations from my JOB and my period and i hate it. i can't see a way out. my husband doesn't make enough money for me to not have to work. i make more than him. i just had to get all this out of my system, i feel so hopeless and miserable. at least maybe i can make someone else feel better about their own life.