The Hollow Girl

[DanaC]

Usual story, this is an early draft. I've been mulling this one for a couple of days, but haven't written any of it down til now. See what y'think

The Hollow Girl

There she goes,
The Hollow girl.
Her feet don’t touch the floor.
Her bones are filled
With air and steam.
She’s passed before you notice her.

Floating through,
The Hollow girl.
Her eyes are touched with gold,
The crowded streets,
Don’t slow her down,
She leaves no footsteps on the road.

All alone,
This Hollow girl,
She tries to touch the world,
She fills her shoes,
With rocks and stones
And weighs her neck with ropes of pearl.

There she goes,
The Hollow girl,
Her feet just touch the floor,
Her shoes are filled
With rocks and stones,
She’s passed before you notice her.

[Sundae]

I like it.

My first thought was that she was anorexic - literally and metaphorically empty.
Filling her shoes with rocks & stones - a prefiguring of suicide?

[lumberjim]

looks like lyrics.....a good melody, and it might ....just.....work.

let's make a song out of it....

needs a 3 or 4 line chorus first.....and maybe a bridge.

[Undertoad]

It's perfect, it's excellent, it's brilliant. It's world class. A+++ will read again.

Because it's all metaphor, and so open, you can bring whatever you might bring to it. You can find grimness in it, or a simple morality tale. You can relate it to yourself or to people you know. You don't know where it begins or if it ends. It's a reflecting pool on reality, given new form by tiny waves from a stone dropped in.

[Flint]

Would make a beautiful song. I would love to interpret the imagery on the drumset. Hollow, as no cymbal defining the beats, snare recorded on overhead mics (think the breathy snare sound of Mercy, Mercy Me ... or World In My Eyes - the electronic version of the same). The sound/feeling of the air and steam, the crowded streets; the weight of the rocks and stones on the floor tom and bass drum. Basically trying to touch as few instruments as possible to imlpy a structure, a hollow structure...

[Griff]

Nice writing Dana. I keep going through it and it keeps evolving. Excellent work.

[Sundae]

If it's not demeaning to the real writing, I submit a simple 4 line chorus and potential bridge:

You think you know her
Yes, do you just think you know her?
No, she says, no, no, no
Cos there’s nothing of her left to know

Check the shop window baby
You just
Check your reflection honey

Of course depends on the way the rhythm actually runs

[HungLikeJesus]

DanaC -- I see dead people.

In every phrase I see references to suicide (hanging, drowning), death, or the afterlife.

Is this what you intended?

(I just looked back and noticed that SG made a similar connection.)

[Undertoad]

People please! If it should be a lyric then DanaC will have posted it as a potential lyric. It stands perfectly on its own.

The dual nature of the word "passed" is how she intentionally puts death in our mind. There is a specific change in the girl between stanza one and stanza four; the girl has changed herself in stanza three, the only active stanza. But the identical ending line suggests to you that the meaning has changed.

It is practically mathematical in its nature, and if it were a symphony it would be Bach.

[lumberjim]

at this point dana is perplexed. she wonders if Undertoad is being sarcastic, or if he really likes the poem. On one hand, it is a pretty good piece. on the other...is it really THAT good? Isn't he getting a little carried away? Will they really make a song out of it? This perplexity has stunned her into silence.

Is Undertoad that freakin good?

[Undertoad]

I'm not gaming her one bit. I took two semesters of poetry in college, I was practically a poetry minor my Soph. year.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by Phoebe Snow

You're the Poetry Man
You make things all right, ya, ya

[DanaC]

Thanks for the very, very kind words! The idea of death is suggested but is also intended to be ambiguous. The Hollow girl is one of life's 'invisibles', one of those people who don't quite seem to connect with the world. She may work in an office, but nobody remembers her name; you may step aside for her on the street, but you don't really see her. It's like she exists on a slightly different plane. The rocks and stones are her attempt to become substantial, tangible, visible. To leave some mark on the world and exist on our plane.

And yeah lj, the Toad is that freakin good :P

[Nightsong]

Come on, We aal no Undertoad is a god. Not THE but A.

I really do like the Dana. I dapple with writing (hears his wife grumble that its better than that) and this is breath taking. I also have to agree that even before I saw the other posts I was thinking it seemed like a song lyric. Good work should flow like a song even if its not. Brava!

[Sundae]

Poetry makes good lyrics. Well - Jerusalem did
Good lyrics read like poetry