From hate to forgiveness

[Lamplighter]

Statesman Journal
Oct 30, 2011
From hate to healing

One mother was able to forgive the death-row inmate responsible for killing her daughter,
becoming an advocate against the death penalty

Much of this article is about repealing the death penalty in Oregon.
But that is not my reason for posting it.

I have really mixed feelings about how a person would respond when a loved-one is killed.
To go from hatred and revenge to forgiveness and befriending.
I'm not at all sure I could do it.

For years, Aba Gayle "lusted for revenge" against the California
death- row inmate who murdered her 19-year-old daughter.
But everything changed when she mailed the killer a letter, saying she forgave him.

"I hope this letter will help you to face your future," she wrote.
"There is only love and good in the world regardless of how things may appear to you now.
I am willing to write to you or visit you if you wish."

Dropping the letter in the mailbox triggered a powerful emotional release,
Gayle remembered last week.
"All of a sudden, all the anger and rage was gone," she said.
"I was truly in a state of grace, just from offering another human being forgiveness.
I knew in that moment that I didn't need to have someone murdered by the state of California so I could be healed."

Paying visits to San Quentin prison, Gayle befriended the man she once despised and wanted put to death.
As hate gave way to healing, she turned against the death penalty.
<snip>

[Aliantha]

About the section where she wrote it and it wasn't till she dropped it in the mail box that she really started feeling better: There's something to be said for faking it till you make it. Often that's how we develop feelings or emotions about things on an unconsious level. In fact, that's what happens with the whole nurture side of the psyche in a way. We don't just automatically feel a certain way about things. It's just that we get taught to feel that way, so that's how we feel.

So in effect, emotions in some ways can be put down to practice and training. Just like most other things.

[Sundae]

We had a case recently where the parents of the deceased stated publicly that they wished there was a death penalty in this country. It saddened me, because it was obviously about revenge.

I hope they are able to make this kind of adjustment. Perhaps not to this level, which is extraordinary and unusual. But at least to a place where they don't live with an unrequited desire for violence.

Yes - I am against the death penalty. But I do not pretend that if someone killed or injured or even hurt my brother I wouldn't want revenge. I am human after all. But I think it serves our best interests as a society not to confuse revenge with justice.

[infinite monkey]

^WSS

[classicman]

Just do it for the sake of humanity - there are over 7 BILLION on this rock as it is.

[sexobon]

I believe that two conditions enabling this behavior are religious beliefs ingrained from an early age and a Stockholm Syndrome like phenomenon. For those who are preconditioned to forgive no matter what, the emotional shock from a loss of this nature may delay the onset of this behavior; but, the person eventually comes back around to their core values getting gradual relief through their belief system. For others, the prolonged emotional drain may become overwhelming and they're broken (not unlike people who are broken by prolonged physical torture) and turn to empathizing with their offenders as an emotional escape mechanism.

I suspect the latter circumstance in this case since forgiveness doesn't require befriending; or, changing other core values like becoming an advocate against the death penalty. The statement "All of a sudden, all the anger and rage was gone," is an indicator that she simply snapped (reached her breaking point). The statement "I was truly in a state of grace, just from offering another human being forgiveness. ..." is an indicator that she was not predisposed to unconditional forgiveness otherwise she would have felt that she was just returning to a state of normalcy. I'd call her coping mechanism capitulation; because, the offender is behind bars. If he was freed, I suspect she would become his unconditional groupie.

[Lamplighter]

Sexabon, I enjoyed reading your post and appreciate your reasoning.

[BigV]

I've read that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I have expressed and experienced forgiveness in my life, there's some truth to that little aphorism. One empirical testament to this has to do with anger, the state of mind most directly opposite forgiveness. Have you been angry? Sure. Being angry, really, really angry requires a tremendous expenditure of energy. And it takes a lot of energy to be angry for a long time, even if you're just somewhat angry during that time. Still a great deal of anger.

Forgiveness can be a break from this exhausting work. Having a reason, a landmark to put that burden down can be a welcome event.