Is it ever *ok* to cheat?

[glatt]

It is interesting hearing about everyone's experiences. I think it's never OK to cheat, but I suppose for each couple, they have to decide for themselves what cheating is.

My wife over the last several months has gotten back in touch with a former boyfriend. He looked her up and contacted her. He got divorced a few years ago, and I assume he started thinking about his past and thought about her and decided to look her up. They've been exchanging e-mails, and he even sent us (really her) a Christmas card this year and a CD of some music that he likes and wanted to introduce to her. He lives about an hour away, but they've never gotten together in person. You can probably gather that I don't like it much. I haven't minded in the past when she has had male friends, but this time it bugs me because he's a former boyfriend.

The good thing is that she hasn't tried to hide any of it, and she's assured me that she has no interest in him romantically. She says she just cares about him like a friend because they had a shared history years ago. They were pretty serious at the time.

Our relationship is a good one, and she's never done anything that would make me suspect she would cheat on me. But I still have these jealous feelings whenever any mention of him comes into our lives. I've told her I don't really like it that they are in contact with each other, but I haven't made a big deal about it. She isn't cheating on me, but it feels a little like she is by paying any attention to this guy.

[yesman065]

I'm sure she is committed to you and there is nothing to worry about, she may just be enjoying the extra attention. He on the other hand may not have the noblest of intentions. I would not like it at all either, but unlike you, my feelings would be known loud and clear. I have become more possessive since I was cheated on by my ex in the past.

I've met people who were in open relationships and made it work and have bee in them and made it work. I am happier in a monogamous relationship. But, that is just me.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well, that might have been a bad choice of words. We want to be together for as long as possible.

Sounds to me like you love each other but both are afraid to declare an exclusive commitment for fear that will screw up what you have.

That's not an unreasonable fear. I've seen it happen many times, where a happy pair decide to marry, or just declare they are exclusive, and somehow they change..... quickly too. Like they've reached a goal and can relax, not have to work at it anymore.

Maybe it's a change in attitude, or in expectations, or taking things for granted. Maybe they have set perceptions on the proper behavior/expectations for, dating, going steady, engaged, and married, then slip into those roles unconsciously.

I don't have the answer as to why, just observed the phenomenon. But I think it can be avoided by focusing on how you and your lover treat each other, and put how the rest of the world labels you in the background.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by case

Bruce, are you saying that extramarital sex is the path to the dark side?

No, but I guarantee it leads to a change in the relationship.

That could be good or bad depending on a slew of variables, but if you like where you're at, and don't want any changes, I'd recommend against it.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

I've seen it happen many times, where a happy pair decide to marry, or just declare they are exclusive, and somehow they change..... quickly too. Like they've reached a goal and can relax, not have to work at it anymore.

Excellent insight. I agree with your take on this. Working on things is constant. You never "arrive" at a destination. It is all a journey, and you don't stop until you divorce or die.

Who stops after divorce?
You don't know the divorced people I know.

[yesman065]

I feel like I was reborn since the separation. Maybe that will change as time goes by, but right now I feel as though I have started anew and have the experiences and mistakes from the past to learn from. I certainly hope that I don't go through what I've already been through again. This has been a very stormy ending to a long, 17 year, journey with many ups and too many downs, but I've made it through alive.

[DucksNuts]

I was just talking to my gf (the one zoiking the married dude).

Now - he's gone away to Surfers Paradise (well known for extramarital activity on golf trips, hens nites, footy trips etc) and she is all happy because he says, although he has no trouble cheating on his wife, he would NEVER cheat on his girlfriend.

whatthefuckever - I have to learn to keep my mouth shut on this matter, because she will never be happy with my reactions.

She's a smart smart lady, I dont get why she cant see that if he is happy to cheat on his wife (has done for 5-ish years), why he would have any concerns cheating on his bit on the side? She's never going to know

Me on the other hand - on cloud nine Army boy is flying into Melbourne tonite and we are having a dirty weekend away.

Then we are meeting in 2 weeks in Adelaide for the weekend as well.

[yesman065]

Woo Hoo I'm happy for ya Ducks. Go have some "dirty fun"

[Elspode]

Your girlfriend is definitely in lala land on this one, Ducks.

Hope you and Armyguy have an awesome weekend. Do something especially nasty, then make up a tagline based on it. Be creative.

[yesman065]

Originally Posted by Elspode

Your girlfriend is definitely in lala land on this one, Ducks.

I'm totally with you on this one - She is heading for a disaster like a train without brakes.

Originally Posted by Elspode

Hope you and Armyguy have an awesome weekend. Do something especially nasty, then make up a tagline based on it. Be creative.

Ohhh I like that - great idea!! I'll have to try that one myself.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Sounds to me like you love each other but both are afraid to declare an exclusive commitment for fear that will screw up what you have.

I don't have the answer as to why, just observed the phenomenon. But I think it can be avoided by focusing on how you and your lover treat each other, and put how the rest of the world labels you in the background.

That makes sense. It doesn’t really fit us though. We were monogamous for most of our relationship. The poly change is fairly recent, and we may decide that it isn’t our thing after all. Right now it seems to fit who we are and what we want so that is what we are doing. It is understood that if either of us decide we don’t want to do the poly thing then those wishes will be respected.

It wasn’t until he proposed to me that we seriously thought about trying to have a poly relationship. I know this seems strange to most of you, but like Elspode said:

Originally Posted by Elspode

For some, being certain of the continued love and trust of one's S.O./Spouse is the only way they can even begin to think about a polyamorous/open relationship.

If anyone here thinks for one moment that I'd be letting my wife have off with other men if I didn't love and trust her completely, they'd have another think coming. I assume she feels the same way about me (although I am not exactly active at the moment).

That is they way it worked for us. It wasn’t until we had decided that no matter what happened we would be there for each other that we thought having an open relationship would be possible. It is what works for us at the moment and we will re-evaluate the situation if that changes.

[Iggy]

Ooooo Ducks! That sounds like fun. Enjoy your dirty weekend!

[Ronald Cherrycoke]

cheating is a guilty pleasure for everyone...until you get caught...then it is a nightmare..for everyone.