Oldest son reaching out - Page 2

Trilby · 12-29-2009, 08:24 PM

Best of luck to you!!!

Cloud · 12-29-2009, 09:30 PM

Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums.

Here's a story: When BD#2 was 14, she walked out the door one day and didn't come back. I had no word from her for something like a year, and even the cops told me she was likely dead. She'd had behavior problems, and we did everything we could to try to help or cope; we thought things were better, but it wasn't enough for her.

She finally did contact me, but she was so angry at the world for so long. I made a deliberate decision not to be angry, resentful, or defensive, and to encourage any and all contact she wanted to make. I made some extraordinary concessions, and today I'm glad I did. Eventually, we did get her back, but it's been a long road for her (and she's still on it). But after growing up some, we have her back in our lives with good relationships.

So I hope your son can come back to you. There may be some bumps on the road, but don't give up hope. Treat him as gently as you can.

jujuwwhite · 12-29-2009, 09:35 PM

Not that you need or have asked for my advice, Jay, but just take things slowly when he comes home and keep your eyes open. Ultimately, listen to your gut feeling about things and don't be afraid to act on them. Good luck! I really hope all goes well for all of you!

Pie · 12-30-2009, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud

Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums.

There are times when you can't take that risk. My bro's a violent, drug using thug. I would never encourage my mother to let him back into her life, in any way. Yeah, it's awful to say that, but it's the truth.

Jay, I hope things work out for you and your son. But please be careful.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-30-2009, 08:05 PM

Sounds like he's not in that category, Pie, but the caution is good advice.

Jaydaan, Once he gets his shit together a little, he may decide he just can't live under your roof/rules... or you may come to that conclusion. But he can leave at that point without severing the line of communication. That's the ultimate goal, I think, to maintain communication without hostility. You're doing the right thing.

dar512 · 12-30-2009, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

There are times when you can't take that risk. My bro's a violent, drug using thug. I would never encourage my mother to let him back into her life, in any way. Yeah, it's awful to say that, but it's the truth.

Shit, Pie. That's too bad about your brother. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

Cloud · 12-31-2009, 11:18 AM

I hear that. I can conceive of situations where I could stop loving my child (if they were a murderer or something), and I understand the need to protect oneself. but I remain optimistic!

Pie · 12-31-2009, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512

Shit, Pie. That's too bad about your brother. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

It's okay. Aside from bad memories, we deal with it by ignoring it.

Jaydaan · 01-02-2010, 01:52 PM

So far so good. Since I hurt myself I have needed to have someone work with me because I can not lift anything. The shifts I worked, without a staff member my kid came with me and did all the lifting. I was able to put him on an as casual, so not technically on the payroll, but at least he was able to work for 3 days. It has given him some self esteem as well as $$ for room and board and personal cash. He even went with me to do inventory last night, we gave him a choice to go or not. His comment was " I really don't want to count all that stuff, but if its going to pay me for 7 hours, then I will go with you" That is a good sign he realizes he needs to help out.

Clodfobble · 01-02-2010, 02:06 PM

That is a great sign of impending maturity. Keep up the good work!

monster · 01-02-2010, 02:40 PM

Well it's a sign that he knows he needs cash.....

good luck

xoxoxoBruce · 01-02-2010, 10:29 PM

Knowing he needs cash is a big step toward buckling down to get it.

The next step is to accept when he has cash, he'd best work on getting more before what he has runs out. Sounds simple and logical, but the people I've known that just couldn't seem to get along in society, all had that problem. When they had some cash, they didn't worry about how they would get more, until the needed it. Then they needed it right now, which led to dicey and dangerous stunts for quick cash.

Shawnee123 · 01-03-2010, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Knowing he needs cash is a big step toward buckling down to get it.

The next step is to accept when he has cash, he'd best work on getting more before what he has runs out. Sounds simple and logical, but the people I've known that just couldn't seem to get along in society, all had that problem. When they had some cash, they didn't worry about how they would get more, until the needed it. Then they needed it right now, which led to dicey and dangerous stunts for quick cash.

Oh so true. I've seen that myself. That he's willing to work to get the money, when the option is presented, is a good sign.

DanaC · 01-03-2010, 01:28 PM

be aware though that total change is difficult and seldom happens in one fell swoop. More likely it will be two steps forwards and one step back. Don;t be too disheartened by that one step back. It's still progress.

Jaydaan · 01-03-2010, 02:53 PM

Oh I have no illusions this will be an easy fix. I expect slip ups, I expect some failures.... but I am hoping it will be all little things that we can deal with one thing at a time. Instead of like before when the snowball kept getting bigger and bigger. We are hoping that because he *has* hit rock bottom, he will never want to be there again. That and knowing we kicked him out before, and can do so again might help too. It will devastate me, but... I can do it.

We are hoping to get him the help he needs to get a place near us, introduce him to some people who will be there for him and won't get him into trouble and get his self esteem up to the point where he likes himself. This week we are simply getting used to the house rules (we all sat down and discussed what they were, and how to go about them) Tomorrow we will go about getting his application for health care (second piece of ID) an appointment for Social services (help pay for room and board (maybe) and then we will go from there.

12-29-2009, 08:24 PM	#16
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Best of luck to you!!! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

12-29-2009, 09:30 PM	#17
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums. Here's a story: When BD#2 was 14, she walked out the door one day and didn't come back. I had no word from her for something like a year, and even the cops told me she was likely dead. She'd had behavior problems, and we did everything we could to try to help or cope; we thought things were better, but it wasn't enough for her. She finally did contact me, but she was so angry at the world for so long. I made a deliberate decision not to be angry, resentful, or defensive, and to encourage any and all contact she wanted to make. I made some extraordinary concessions, and today I'm glad I did. Eventually, we did get her back, but it's been a long road for her (and she's still on it). But after growing up some, we have her back in our lives with good relationships. So I hope your son can come back to you. There may be some bumps on the road, but don't give up hope. Treat him as gently as you can. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

12-29-2009, 09:35 PM	#18
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	Not that you need or have asked for my advice, Jay, but just take things slowly when he comes home and keep your eyes open. Ultimately, listen to your gut feeling about things and don't be afraid to act on them. Good luck! I really hope all goes well for all of you! __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

12-30-2009, 08:05 PM	#20
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Sounds like he's not in that category, Pie, but the caution is good advice. Jaydaan, Once he gets his shit together a little, he may decide he just can't live under your roof/rules... or you may come to that conclusion. But he can leave at that point without severing the line of communication. That's the ultimate goal, I think, to maintain communication without hostility. You're doing the right thing. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-31-2009, 11:18 AM	#22
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	I hear that. I can conceive of situations where I could stop loving my child (if they were a murderer or something), and I understand the need to protect oneself. but I remain optimistic! __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

01-02-2010, 01:52 PM	#24
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	So far so good. Since I hurt myself I have needed to have someone work with me because I can not lift anything. The shifts I worked, without a staff member my kid came with me and did all the lifting. I was able to put him on an as casual, so not technically on the payroll, but at least he was able to work for 3 days. It has given him some self esteem as well as $$ for room and board and personal cash. He even went with me to do inventory last night, we gave him a choice to go or not. His comment was " I really don't want to count all that stuff, but if its going to pay me for 7 hours, then I will go with you" That is a good sign he realizes he needs to help out.

01-02-2010, 02:06 PM	#25
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	That is a great sign of impending maturity. Keep up the good work! __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

01-02-2010, 02:40 PM	#26
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Well it's a sign that he knows he needs cash..... good luck __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-02-2010, 10:29 PM	#27
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Knowing he needs cash is a big step toward buckling down to get it. The next step is to accept when he has cash, he'd best work on getting more before what he has runs out. Sounds simple and logical, but the people I've known that just couldn't seem to get along in society, all had that problem. When they had some cash, they didn't worry about how they would get more, until the needed it. Then they needed it right now, which led to dicey and dangerous stunts for quick cash. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-03-2010, 02:53 PM	#30
Jaydaan Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Vernon, BC, Canada Posts: 378	Oh I have no illusions this will be an easy fix. I expect slip ups, I expect some failures.... but I am hoping it will be all little things that we can deal with one thing at a time. Instead of like before when the snowball kept getting bigger and bigger. We are hoping that because he has hit rock bottom, he will never want to be there again. That and knowing we kicked him out before, and can do so again might help too. It will devastate me, but... I can do it. We are hoping to get him the help he needs to get a place near us, introduce him to some people who will be there for him and won't get him into trouble and get his self esteem up to the point where he likes himself. This week we are simply getting used to the house rules (we all sat down and discussed what they were, and how to go about them) Tomorrow we will go about getting his application for health care (second piece of ID) an appointment for Social services (help pay for room and board (maybe) and then we will go from there.

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