Oopsies and other strange, interesting, and useless information....

[Lady Sidhe]

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-
way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being
passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.







Bizarre Doctors' Notes

[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]

"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he
coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."

"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis
which goes to his feet."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except
for her original complaints."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

"The other foot has the missing toe."



A West Bend man is suing the cable company that he feels
made him addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight
and his kids to be lazy. Timothy Dumouchel is asking for
$5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free
Internet service from Charter Communications to settle a
small claims suit. Dumouchel told Charter that he plans to
sue because his cable connection remained intact four years
after he tried to get it canceled. "I believe that the rea-
son I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight
is because we watched TV every day for the last four years,"
Dumouchel stated in a written complaint against the company.
He stated that he called Charter several times to get the
service disconnected for good because he felt it was
addictive, but they reportedly never did.


Sidhe

[Lady Sidhe]

This is from Quantas Airlines...damn, I love these guys. They can always be counted on for a giggle. These were sent to me by a friend in Ireland. Enjoy.


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS Pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed



Sidhe

[Lady Sidhe]

A blind British golfer who won the world championship for
the second time is being investigated over claims he may
have some vision. The Times of London reported the English
Blind Golf Association began the inquiry into David Morris
after he became the first player successfully to defend
the title at the competition in Melbourne, Australia. The
inquiry began after a complaint to the association that
the 61-year-old Morris may have had an advantage over his
rivals in the category for totally blind golfers. The
criterion for blindness is that competitors are unable to
recognize the shape of a hand at any distance.
Association spokesman Barrie Ritchie said Morris was
tested before joining the association and had provided
medical evidence to support his application. Morris,
who is currently traveling to Japan for the Blind Open
Tournament starting Friday, has been told of the
complaint but was unavailable for comment.

[Lady Sidhe]

Nobody is buried in Grant's tomb. President & Mrs. Grant
are entombed there. A body is buried only when it is placed
in the ground and covered with dirt.



Jayne Mansfield decorated her "Pink Palace" by writing to
1,500 furniture and building suppliers and asking for free
samples. She told the donors they could then brag that
their goods were in her outlandish mansion. The pitch
worked, and Jayne received over $150,000 worth of free
merchandise.


Although construction of the Notre Dame Cathedral in
Strasbourg started in 1015, it was not until 1439 that the
spire was completed.


Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of
women's feet.


At the age of 26, Michelangelo began sculpting his
monumental statue of David. He finished it seventeen months
later, in January, 1504.


Bats are the only mammal that can fly.



Elvis Presley made only one television commercial - an ad
for "Southern Maid Doughnuts" that ran in 1954.



George Washington is the only man whose birthday is a legal
holiday in every state of the United States.



Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in
the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by arch-
aeologists and found edible.



In 1969, "Midnight Cowboy" became the first and only
X-rated production to win the Academy Award for Best
Picture. (Its rating has since been changed to R.)

England and the American colonies adopted the Gregorian
calendar on September 14th, 1752. 11 days disappeared.


Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time
zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.


If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight
minutes for people on earth to be aware of the fact.

For drinking, washing, etc., an average American uses 168
gallons of water per day. The average American residence
uses 107,000 gallons per year.



Hans Christian Andersen, Cher, Tom Cruise, Albert Einstein,
Whoopie Goldberg, Greg Louganis, Lee Harvey Oswald, and
Gen. George S. Patton, are (were) all dyslexics.


In most American states, a wedding ring is exempt by law
from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate.
This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by
creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

[Lady Sidhe]

"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights." In the
US "two weeks" is more commonly used.


A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of
the sea beneath a moving vessel.


A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.


The highest temperature ever recorded in the world was
136.4 degrees Fahrenheit at El Azizia, Lybia, on
September 13, 1922.


The lowest temperature ever recorded in the world was
129 degrees below 0 at Vostok, Antarctica, on
July 21, 1983.


Every century has its famous firsts, those
notable things that first happened in that century. Well,
even though the 21st century just begun, it has been the
century of some famous firsts, including:

Colin Powell
2000 --- 1st black secretary of state.

Halle Berry
2002 --- 1st black woman to win an Oscar for Best Actress.

Steve Fossett
2002 --- 1st balloonist to fly solo around the world when he
landed in Australia on 4th July 2002.

Gene Robinson
2003 --- 1st openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church in US.


Abraham Lincoln, who invented a hydraulic device for
lifting ships over shoals, was the only US president ever
granted a patent.



According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until
the 1730's, India was the only source for diamonds in the
world.



Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.


Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. This was the
only vegetable flavored ice cream produced.


Gerald Ford was the only US president not to have been
elected to either the presidency or the vice presidency.



The first modern Olympiad was held in Athens in 1896.
484 contestants from 13 nations participated.



The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by
Egyptians in 2000 BC.


The House of Lancaster, symbolized by the red rose, won
England's 'War of the Roses.'

The longest reigning monarch in history was Pepi II, who
ruled Egypt for 90 years; 2566 to 2476 BC. The second
longest was France's Louis XIV, who ruled for 72 years,
1643 to 1715.



The Miss America Contest was created in Atlantic City in
1921 with the purpose of extending the tourist season
beyond Labor Day.


The only repealed amendment to the US Constitution deals
with the prohibition of alcohol.

[Lady Sidhe]

Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the
13th in it.



At 4,145 miles, the Nile River is the longest in the world.



Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power
factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful
than a 5!



Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths
in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of
US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates
and periods of significant pollution.


Barbers at one time combined shaving and haircutting with
bloodletting and pulling teeth. The white stripes on a field
of red that spiral down a barber pole represent the bandages
used in the bloodletting.


Based on a US Justice Department study conducted between
1992 and 1996, workplace violence troubles 1.7 million
Americans a year. Number of workers attacked or threatened
per thousand: Police officers: 306, Private security
guards: 218, Taxi drivers: 184, Prison guards: 117,
Bartenders: 91, Mental health professionals: 80, Gas
station attendants: 79.



A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure.


A typical lightning bolt is two to four inches wide and
two miles long.


A wind with a speed of 74 miles or more is designated a
hurricane.



The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
announced in 1978 that it would alternate men's and women's
names in the naming of hurricanes. It was seen as an attempt
at fair play. Hurricanes had been named for women for years,
until NOAA succumbed to pressure from women's groups who
were demanding that Atlantic storms be given unisex names.


There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.


A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or
six toes on one or both hands and feet.


More water flows over Niagara Falls every year than over
any other falls on earth.


Most landfilled trash retains its original weight, volume,
and form for 40 years.

New Jersey, with 96, is the US state with the greatest
number of hazardous waste sites.


Quito in Ecuador, South America, is said to have the most
pleasant climate in the world. It is called the 'Land of
Eternal Spring.' The temperature rarely drops below 46
degrees Fahrenheit during the night, or exceed 72 degrees
Fahrenheit during the day.


The abbreviation 'ORD' for Chicago's O'Hare airport comes
from the old name 'Orchard Field.


The first city to reach a population of 1 million people
was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. London, England reached the
mark in 1810 and New York, USA made it in 1875. Today,
there are more than 300 cities in the world that boast a
population in excess of 1 million.

It is forbidden for aircraft to fly over the Taj Mahal.


La Paz, Bolivia, at 11,900 feet above sea-level, is the
highest large city in the world.

Lake Pontchartrain Causeway at New Orleans, Louisiana, is
the world's largest bridge. It is almost 24 miles (about
38 kilometers) long.

Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year
because it's built on top of an underground reservoir.
Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city's
growing population of more than 15 million people.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by Lady Sidhe


Some interesting math I found:

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

this holds true on a smaller scale also:
11X11=121

111X111=12321

1,111X1,111=1234321

11,111X11,111=123454321 etc...

[Lady Sidhe]

Happy My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day! Yep, that's an actual holiday in May...


Bizarre Holidays in June:


June 4 is Old Maid's Day

June 5 is Festival Of Popular Delusions Day

June 8 is Name Your Poison Day

June 10 is National Yo-Yo Day

June 13 is National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of
America Day

June 18 is International Panic Day

June 21 is Cuckoo Warning Day

June 24 is Museum Comes To Life Day

June 25 is Log Cabin Day

June 29 is Camera Day


Teacher Joby McGowan is fed up with unrealistic parents who
are quick to accuse him of outrageous things - such as one
parent who claimed he caused a tumor in her second-grader's
brain by using a timer in class. Or another who said that,
at 6 feet 6 inches, he was "too tall" to teach little kids.
After collecting countless snipes from parents, McGowan has
published a book, "Teaching on Poverty Rock," a sarcastic
and self-critical saga about his first year in the district.
It was published in March and this month surfaced on
Amazon.com for $14.95 each. This year, long before they
knew a tell-all book was coming, 24 sets of parents have
advocated for their kids in a spirit of respect and
cooperation. And not once has McGowan been accused of
causing cancer or criticized for being too tall.


For two years, 38-year-old Jian Feng had the luxury of a
beautiful woman at his side. Everything was going perfectly
fine until the couple decided to have a baby. Apparently,
his wife gave birth to a baby girl so ugly that Feng was
"horrified" at the sight of her. Feng immediately assumed
that his trophy wife had been cheating on him with an ugly
fellow. Quick to defend her daughter, his wife admitted to
having $127,000 worth of plastic surgery in South Korea
before they had met. She then produced a picture of how she
used to look and let him have a look. Well, this set Feng
over the edge and not only did he waste no time filing for
divorce, but he also sued her for deceit. He managed to get
$99,700 out of the whole deal.


STOCKHOLM - Amorous couples in quick need of protection can
dial the telephone number 696969 and the condom ambulance
will come to their rescue. The ambulance, a white van with
a large red condom with wings as a logo, will deliver them
a packet of 10 prophylactics. "We need to increase the
usage of condoms," said Carl Osvald, marketing manager for
the Swedish Organization for Sex Education, the non-
governmental organization behind the initiative. "It is 50
percent about pregnancy and 50 percent about sexually
transmitted diseases." The service will run until June 25
and is available between four in the afternoon and nine at
night. "We need to change attitudes to condoms," Osvald
said. "If we need to get out in to the bedrooms to make
things better we will do it."

[wolf]

Why things are annoying.

[Lady Sidhe]

Damn, man...you can always count on the Fundies for a good laugh!

Pagan Kidney

[Lady Sidhe]

BTW, the site I got it from is the Christian equivalent of the Onion...

Actually, I thought it was real at first, because it was on a newsgroup, and my experiences with Fundies...well, let's just say I could see one wanting her kidney back. But after actually going TO the site's homepage, it was pretty obvious that it was a spoof site.

Had me going there for a minute, though. It's a cute site. Check out the article about Joseph Smith. Good one.

The Christian Onion


Sidhe

PS: I put this one here because it qualifies as an oopsie, on my part

[Lady Sidhe]

+----------------- Bizarre Bra Designs -------------------+

The Loving Cup bra of 1979 featured a tiny electronic
circuit which signaled when it was safe for sex. Its lights
flashed red or green indicating whether sex could result in
pregnancy.

In 1992, a Somerset man created a water-filled double-D cup
bra. He said that the wearer should add wallpaper paste for
an even firmer frontage.

A new bra on the market was made of hologrammatic fibers,
the surface of which creates a 3D impression to make the
breasts appear a better shape.

Designer Andre Van Pier created a bra that was adorned with
3,250 diamonds.

Madonna's famous 'Bullet Bra,' worn during her Blonde
Ambition tour of 1990, was based on an antique breastplate
worn by Italian soldiers.

There are also plans to introduce a mirrored bra and one
filled with insect repellent to keep pesky mosquitoes at
bay.

From Paris in the 1980s came the Joli'bust, a self-adhesive
bra consisting of nothing more than two shaped pieces of
sticky plastic fixed beneath the breasts to show off the
curves.


LONDON - Here's one for the record books - a British man has
become the first person to be banned from EVERY hospital in
England and Wales. Norman Hutchins, 53, has harassed and
abused medical staff over 40 times since January in a quest
for surgical masks and gowns. He tried to add to his stash
of medical items by faking illness, or claiming to need
them for a dress run or an amateur play. "(He has) caused
harassment, alarm and distress to NHS staff when attempting
to obtain gowns and surgical masks in person or on the
phone," an NHS spokesman said in a statement. Over 30
medical organizations banned him with civil injunctions, but
he kept moving to new areas. Hutchins' lawyer Harry Bayman
said his client "was not a well man," but accepted the
court's decision to ban him from all private and state-run
National Health Service hospitals and doctors' and dentists'
offices.


A doctor whose license was suspended 22 years ago for performing
shoddy sex-change operations was convicted of second-degree
murder in the death of a man who had a healthy leg amputated
to satisfy a sexual fetish. John Ronald Brown, 77, could face
life imprisonment after he amputated the leg of Philip Bondy.
Bondy died of gangrene poisoning in a suburban San Diego hotel
two days later. Bondy contacted Brown as a last resort to
fulfill a lifelong desire to amputate a leg because of a fetish
known as apotemnophilia, getting sexual gratification from the
removal of a limb. Prosecutor Stacy Running said Brown "just
chopped off" Bondy's leg below the knee and then dumped him at
a hotel while he buried the leg in the desert. Bondy called
Brown the next day, complaining that he was bleeding and oozing
from the stump, Running said. Brown returned to the hotel,
rewrapped the leg and suggested Bondy take more pain killers.

(I'm sorry, but this is just funny. Yeah, the Doctor should be punished, but Mother Nature says, "now we know, don't we, that getting sexual thrills by cutting off body parts is NOT a good survival trait")



------- Stampeding Pigs Kill Animal Rights Workers ---------

MUNICH, Germany - The city has been abuzz about a neighboring
town's pig incident. It seems that two animal rights
protesters broke into a slaughterhouse to free thousands of
pigs before they met their fate. Armed with bolt cutters,
they managed to clear the way for the soon to be liberated
pigs. As the doors opened, a stampede of pork rushed through
the opening, trampling the crusading protesters and crushing
them to their doom.


(These are the kinds of stupid people who make animal-rights activists look bad. Fortunately, Mother Nature doesn't have a problem bitch-slapping them when they're just too stupid for their own good)



MOBILE, Alabama - Road rage has taken a new turn recently
when a driving instructor at a local high school became
enraged when a student of his was cut off by a licensed
driver. In Hollywood fashion, he yelled, "Follow that car"
and ordered his student to run the offending driver off the
road. Once accomplishing this task, the instructor ran out
of the Driver's Education car and attacked the stunned
motorist. At press time the instructor is still teaching
driver safety after being released on bail.


(This guy must have originally been from New Orleans...)

[Lady Sidhe]

BIZARRE LABEL INSTRUCTIONS

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after
heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.


BIZARRE BOOKS

The Resistance of Piles to Penetration
Russell V. Allin, 1935
A revealing look inside this common problem.

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy
Ira Alterman, 1985
Inventive overview for cat lovers.

Persevering Dick
Mary D.R. Boyd, 1867
Adversity is overcome by Richard's determination and grit.

Making It In Leather
M. Vincent Hayes, 1972
A must have how-to book for this special craft





MISSOURI - Attention: Garden equipment should not be used as
a breathing apparatus. This warning comes after a man almost
drowned Monday morning when he used a garden hose as a
breathing tube and jumped into Longview Lake with a 20-pound
anchor tied to his waist. According to the Missouri Water
Patrol, the man had dropped his keys in the water and was
desperately trying to retrieve them. After one failed
attempt, he went down again and this time lost both the
garden hose and his breath. A person above the surface
noticed something was wrong and pulled the man out with a
rope. He was unresponsive for a brief period but then began
breathing on his own again. He refused medical treatment.





BERLIN, Germany - Housewife Gerda Niehus must have a Bobbit
fascination because recently while sleeping with her
husband decided to cut off his manhood. Only she wanted to
make sure she never had sex again with him and never wanted
him to *find* his penis. So she flushed the flesh down the
toilet. Her husband Hans has been released from the
hospital and Gerda is awaiting trial on a charge of assault
with intent to commit grave bodily harm.


University of Wales - The previously prestigious University
of Wales has spent thousands of dollars examining the question
whether mussels can suffer panic attacks. Yes, that's right,
some professor decided this was an important question to answer
so researchers placed dog whelks, which eat mussels, in a tank
and monitored the mussels' heart beat. The results? Mussels'
heartbeats increased for up to 24 hours even after the dog
whelks were removed.




LONDON - Two women were killed by a bolt of lightning in Hyde
Park when their underwired bras acted as conductors, a coroner
said Wednesday. "I think this was a tragic case, a pure act of
God," coroner Paul Knapman told an inquest into the deaths.
He recorded a verdict of death by misadventure. The two women,
Anuban Bell, 24, and Sunee Whitworth, 39, had been sheltering
under a tree in the park during a thunderstorm. Pathologist Dr
Iain West said both women were wearing underwired bras and had
been left with burn marks on their chests from the electrical
current that passed through their bodies. Death would have been
instant, he said. The bodies were not discovered until the
following day because passers-by thought they were vagrants.


Independence, IA - What do you do with a group of felons who
grow accustomed to the *conveniences* of jail? Well four Amish
men jailed for vandalism were growing too comfortable with the
TV, electricity, telephone and running water so Russell West,
Buchanan County Jail Administrator, wants their release ASAP.
When interviewed, West said, "I thought we'd better get them
out of here because they were getting too used to it."

[Lady Sidhe]

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - Have you ever wondered what it
would feel like to be shot? Well Phil Horner did and wanted
to do something about it, so he took a gun and shot himself
in the shoulder. While this may sound bizarre, it gets even
more weird. Recently a 911 call came in to dispatch and an
ambulance was once again sent to the Horner residence. It
seems that he shot himself one more time. The reason? In
his own words, "I wanted to see if it hurt as much as it
did the first time."


LONDON, England - A 13-year-old boy has been convicted of
operating a prostitution ring at his local school. He
recruited seven girls from the school and explained what he
wanted them to do. After recruiting his "ladies", this
enterprising little pimp recruited the little "Johns," also
from his school. He charged them 10 pounds ($25) each for
an hour.


BARNSLEY, England - Peace has been restored to a northern
England town now that lewd garden gnomes are no longer
exposing their breasts and buttocks, Sky News said Thursday.
Police in Barnsley said they received several complaints
about the near-naked gnomes in the front garden of former
army Sgt. Tony Watson. Watson said he was tired of the
standard jolly-looking garden ornaments in cute poses, and
opted instead for racier models. However, after neighbors
complained, police told him he would be arrested if he did
not do something about the comical nudes. "It is an offense
to display something that is insulting or likely to cause
distress," a police spokesman told Sky News. So, one by one,
the gnomes were taken into Watson's home, and reappeared
soon after with bathing suits painted on, including one
gnomette who now wears a polka-dot bikini.




Bizarre Author's Names

These names are completely genuine and have been corroborated in the catalogues of the British Library and in the American National Union Catalog, as well as other authoritative
sources.

Ole Bagger

Stanka Fuckar

Gottfried Egg

Dr F.P.H. Prick van Wily

Baron Filibarto Vagina d'Emarese

A. Schytte

Mme J.J. Fouqueau de Pussy

Simon Young-Suck Moon

Tit Wing Lo

[daniwong]

Jeez girl - you must have been seriously bored to post all of these.

But thanks - I've enjoyed em!