03/05/03: New Languages

juju · 03-05-2003, 07:25 PM

I suppose most of you know by now that a home pregnancy test has indicated that my wife is pregnant. In fact, she's taken four of the tests so far, and has passed every one of them. We patiently await her doctor's appointment next Monday, where she will be administered a blood test and we will know "for sure". It's my understanding that positive results from home pregnancy tests are very accurate, though, as the HCG hormone that is tested for is not present in the woman's system unless she is pregnant.

Since we decided that the test was probably accurate, I've began slowly enumerating through a range of emotions. Mostly, I don't know what to think. I just don't know. I know I'm supposed to feel something, yet everytime I search myself, I just draw a blank. Somehow, I felt that this was wrong of me. People are supposed to feel something when they hear they're going to have a child. Is there something wrong with me? Am I an uncaring, evil bastard? Am I just protecting myself? None of these seem like the right explanations, and yet I still feel like my emotions (or lack thereof) are somehow in the wrong.

I knew that my mom would be excited, though. She's been eagerly awaiting grandchildren for a long time, I think. So last Sunday, we made the 45-minute drive from my college town to my hometown to visit our family and tell my mom the good news.

Kathy had already told her mom on the phone by this time, and had gotten no reaction at all. She was a little distressed at this, but I comforted her and told her that her mom was just protecting herself. She doesn't want to commit to a path of emotions and then find out that the blood test says that her daughter isn't pregnant. Then she'd feel dissapointed, so she's just protecting herself.

There was considerable tension in the buildup to going to my mom's house. I suppose I was sort of hoping to be able to feed off of my mom's excitement, and hoping that it would give me some sense of how I was supposed to react.

But my mom didn't have any visible emotional reaction at all. Just like me. This is not what I wanted, and I was hugely disappointed and disillusioned. She only asked who our doctor was. She did call up her nursing friends who worked in our city and asked them questions about the doctors in the area, but it was all very professional-seeming. I wanted excitement, and I got none.

I felt betrayed. She's never held any interest in anything I've ever done, and now that I've done the greatest thing of all, she just doesn't care. I felt even more hopeless, like I'd never know how I was supposed to feel. I began to feel even more empty inside.

My mom left temporarily to take Kathy to her family's house, and left me with my brother. I asked him to play some music for me. He asked me what kind. I told him, "You know how sometimes music can have, like, energy that you feed off of? And you need it. Like a battery. And if you don't get it, you become empty and start to wither? I need music that I can feed off of." So he played a String Cheese Incident cover of Roundabout by Yes, and some other really good stuff I hadn't heard before. He's really into live music and the 'jam bands', so he's got a ton of music. It really helped me a lot. I actually felt like I was physically taking energy from the music and using it for myself.

I told him how I felt, and he said that's how it would be in the beginning, but that my excitement would grow and grow. Small at first, but then bigger and bigger, until it all just explodes. This made me feel better. Like maybe how I felt had some sort of validity after all.

A few days later I'd been thinking about what had happened, and I realized that I'd made a huge mistake. Since when do I look to other people to tell me how I feel? Since when don't I trust my own feelings? To thine own self be true -- I live by that. I'm just not the sort of person to not trust in the validity of my own feelings. I can't believe I did that, and it became quite obvious to me that I set myself up in a huge way. Everyone who depends on other people to tell them how they feel ends up disappointed. I already knew that! I don't know why I strayed so far from my personal individalistic philosophies. It was just stupid of me. I understand, of course. This hasn't ever happened to me, and I was just blindsided emotionally. Lost, if you will. Perhaps now I can stay on track.

I am sort of excited, but I'm really uncertain as to how this is all going to turn out. Most of the child-rearing philosophies I've developed don't even apply remotely to infants. I won't know what to do. Thankfully, my wife has always loved kids and been great with them. Even though this is her first child, I think she'll know just what to do. She even said she'd teach me.

And then there's always the chance that she's not pregnant. The tests could all be wrong. I see this as unlikely, but apparently our mom's think it is likely. She's missed two periods already, and also has every single one of the other symptoms you're supposed to have. So if she isn't pregnant, then something is seriously wrong with her.

I'll end with some lyrics that I really feel express my feelings right now.

On second thought, how 'bout just a link?

03-05-2003, 07:25 PM	#1
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	03/05/03: New Languages I suppose most of you know by now that a home pregnancy test has indicated that my wife is pregnant. In fact, she's taken four of the tests so far, and has passed every one of them. We patiently await her doctor's appointment next Monday, where she will be administered a blood test and we will know "for sure". It's my understanding that positive results from home pregnancy tests are very accurate, though, as the HCG hormone that is tested for is not present in the woman's system unless she is pregnant. Since we decided that the test was probably accurate, I've began slowly enumerating through a range of emotions. Mostly, I don't know what to think. I just don't know. I know I'm supposed to feel something, yet everytime I search myself, I just draw a blank. Somehow, I felt that this was wrong of me. People are supposed to feel something when they hear they're going to have a child. Is there something wrong with me? Am I an uncaring, evil bastard? Am I just protecting myself? None of these seem like the right explanations, and yet I still feel like my emotions (or lack thereof) are somehow in the wrong. I knew that my mom would be excited, though. She's been eagerly awaiting grandchildren for a long time, I think. So last Sunday, we made the 45-minute drive from my college town to my hometown to visit our family and tell my mom the good news. Kathy had already told her mom on the phone by this time, and had gotten no reaction at all. She was a little distressed at this, but I comforted her and told her that her mom was just protecting herself. She doesn't want to commit to a path of emotions and then find out that the blood test says that her daughter isn't pregnant. Then she'd feel dissapointed, so she's just protecting herself. There was considerable tension in the buildup to going to my mom's house. I suppose I was sort of hoping to be able to feed off of my mom's excitement, and hoping that it would give me some sense of how I was supposed to react. But my mom didn't have any visible emotional reaction at all. Just like me. This is not what I wanted, and I was hugely disappointed and disillusioned. She only asked who our doctor was. She did call up her nursing friends who worked in our city and asked them questions about the doctors in the area, but it was all very professional-seeming. I wanted excitement, and I got none. I felt betrayed. She's never held any interest in anything I've ever done, and now that I've done the greatest thing of all, she just doesn't care. I felt even more hopeless, like I'd never know how I was supposed to feel. I began to feel even more empty inside. My mom left temporarily to take Kathy to her family's house, and left me with my brother. I asked him to play some music for me. He asked me what kind. I told him, "You know how sometimes music can have, like, energy that you feed off of? And you need it. Like a battery. And if you don't get it, you become empty and start to wither? I need music that I can feed off of." So he played a String Cheese Incident cover of Roundabout by Yes, and some other really good stuff I hadn't heard before. He's really into live music and the 'jam bands', so he's got a ton of music. It really helped me a lot. I actually felt like I was physically taking energy from the music and using it for myself. I told him how I felt, and he said that's how it would be in the beginning, but that my excitement would grow and grow. Small at first, but then bigger and bigger, until it all just explodes. This made me feel better. Like maybe how I felt had some sort of validity after all. A few days later I'd been thinking about what had happened, and I realized that I'd made a huge mistake. Since when do I look to other people to tell me how I feel? Since when don't I trust my own feelings? To thine own self be true -- I live by that. I'm just not the sort of person to not trust in the validity of my own feelings. I can't believe I did that, and it became quite obvious to me that I set myself up in a huge way. Everyone who depends on other people to tell them how they feel ends up disappointed. I already knew that! I don't know why I strayed so far from my personal individalistic philosophies. It was just stupid of me. I understand, of course. This hasn't ever happened to me, and I was just blindsided emotionally. Lost, if you will. Perhaps now I can stay on track. I am sort of excited, but I'm really uncertain as to how this is all going to turn out. Most of the child-rearing philosophies I've developed don't even apply remotely to infants. I won't know what to do. Thankfully, my wife has always loved kids and been great with them. Even though this is her first child, I think she'll know just what to do. She even said she'd teach me. And then there's always the chance that she's not pregnant. The tests could all be wrong. I see this as unlikely, but apparently our mom's think it is likely. She's missed two periods already, and also has every single one of the other symptoms you're supposed to have. So if she isn't pregnant, then something is seriously wrong with her. I'll end with some lyrics that I really feel express my feelings right now. On second thought, how 'bout just a link? Last edited by juju; 03-05-2003 at 11:03 PM.

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