You Can't Always Get What You Want...

[jimhelm]

On a micro level, ...and I'll just speak in the first person here, but I really mean it in a 'we' sense.... I have daily struggles and fears and insecurity. I worry at problems, I give up worrying, I forget to deal with things, I fix problems, I succeed, I fail. I look back with regret, and with pride. I become despondent about where I am in my life, and sometimes I notice how good I have it. I fear where I'll end up, and I hope. I wish for things. I think... 'that's what I need.....that will make me happy.... why couldn't I just meet/have/do that?' Some mornings I don't want to get out of bed. Some nights I can't sleep because of what tomorrow promises. I'm 'eyeholes deep in muddy water', I'm standing on the top of a mountain. I'm everything in between.

And every once in a while, I catch life giving me what I wanted...or maybe what I needed. Did I know I wanted it? Maybe. Maybe I realize I wanted it because I got it, and it was what I needed. I've been dumped a couple of times recently. That's a hard thing to admit. But it's true. It happened. But maybe that happened because I wanted it to? As much as it hurt, as scary and sad as it was... did I want that? I think maybe I did? Hard to say.. I thought I was happy. If you'd asked me then ....sure...I'm happy enough. But I could be happier. I could certainly be healthier. So did I subconsciously sabotage those two relationships because I knew they were bad for me? (I'm pretty sure this happened in the more recent one) Or is it just happenstance? Was it just the other person doing what they wanted to do? I'll never know, will I?

AND YET!

There are things that have come my way that would never have come had that not happened. People I've met that I would not have met. Books I've read, that I would not have read. Things I've done that I would not have done.

There are things I have learned that I would not have. Not least among them, the fact that no matter what comes my way, I can deal with it only when it arrives. And I always deal with it. It may be scary or sad or painful in the moment... but looking back... on the macro level.... I'm cool. Time does heal. Things that don't kill you DO make you stronger.... and if they kill you.... it won't matter to you anymore, will it?

There are changes inside me that would never have happened. Not least among them is the perspective that I cannot think with someone else's mind... and sometimes I will never understand the motivations they have. I can only accept what their actions say, and surrender to that reality. When it comes to Life, Resistance truly is futile... and damaging at times.

But the point of all this was just that as HQ said to JBK.... of course, Mick Jagger also said it....

you can't always get what you want.... but if you try sometimes...

and I've just noticed... yesterday actually... that there have been a couple instances lately (that might work out ok, might not...) where the (seemingly) perfect solution to a lack or a problem I've perceived has presented itself when I wasn't even trying to fix that thing.

Now, this awareness comes to me at just such a time.

Specifically, I met someone that I would never have met if not for a series of unusual occurrences.

1. I went to that Eagles Game, having been invited at the last minute by a former co-worker that I've stayed in touch with for some reason...(when he worked here we had a conversation where He said we were NOT friends...that we would NOT keep in touch if one of us left...and maybe just to prove him wrong, I HAVE kept in touch....maybe just cuz I like him... i dunno).

2. The Eagles pitched a blow out, so I lost interest in the game and went wandering the concourse with the other guy my friend invited. This guy winds up in a conversation with this cute girl...and then we all (my friend, this other dude, her and her friend) wound up missing the rest of the game as we talked and drank beers on the mezzanine..... and

3. At the end of the night, for some unGodly reason, she had given my friend her phone number TO GIVE TO ME!

Just a coincidence that she lives 20 minutes away. Just a coincidence that she's 33, blonde, cute, and smart. Just a coincidence that she makes me feel instantly comfortable, and is determined to take things very slowly and casually. There's no pressure. She doesn't appear to be nuts or melodramatic or full of pent up rage.....

And I was specifically NOT looking for this. I was NOT. I promise. At any rate.... Even if things don't progress any further...(3 dates so far) or if it all goes down in flames again.... I remember thinking to myself...not too long ago...(And I think may have even said this to someone here at work because I know where I was when I thought this...but I definitely remember thinking it...) " I need to meet a woman in her 30's that has no kids, that isn't crazy or mean, that is happy in her own right and won't demand this and that of me to complete her...." and immediately "FUCK. that'll never happen. might as well wish for a cute blonde while I'm at it." So yeah.. even if this just fizzles, or we come to a point where we realize it ain't working.... or she does turn out to be bonkers.... Still... I'll try to remember that even when it really hurts... even when it's dark and dreary... this too shall pass.

And that's just an example anyway. I know that I'm OK alone too if that's what comes my way....

I remember having this feeling when I was 17. This certainty... at a time when i was VERY uncertain about life after High School...that Things will be OK. How could they not be? I've got (still) plenty of time to learn the lessons Life chooses to teach me... and if I don't get it the first 3 times... there will probably be a fourth.

So cheer up. things will be just fine. And so will You.