Dear Carrot

[DanaC]

Dear Carrot,

It is, I think, high time you and I agreed to a set of basic house rules. I realise that, as far as you are concerned, this is already the case, but frankly, not peeing on the carpet and not biting mummy's face is not a sufficiently comprehensive list.

Here then are a few suggestion of what might sit comfortably in our new list:

First, I would very much like it if you would please refrain from stripping the wallpaper. It is not helpful, and it does not improve the general look of the kitchen, or indeed, the bathroom. Admittedly, the bathroom wallpaper is positively vile and probably should be replaced but I'd really rather handle that myself, thankyou very much.

Secondly, whilst I admit that the natural wood look can be very attractrive, it is best acheived by sanding down the wood and then treating it. Simply biting away the paintwork is not the same thing, and the end result, I think you'll agree is not what one would ideally want in a fireplace, or indeed a doorframe.

I therefore propose a rule that forbids any decorating work on your part unless and until such time as you can properly handle and manipulate decorating tools and have learned to hang wallpaper.

Thirdly, books are for reading. I don't think you are getting the full benefit of my extensive collection of history text books by ingesting the pages piecemeal. And whilst I applaud your choice of texts (an ancient copy of Little Women, and E. P. Thompson's The Making of the English Working Class) I do find your method of approaching them to be, at best, inconvenient.

We need to add a rule, then, about not eating mummy's books. Should you really have a burning desire to understand gender identity and nationhood in eighteenth-century Britain, you need only ask and I will happily read you the relevant texts. Eating my copy of Linda Colley's Britons: Forging the Nation is not allowed.

Last, and by no means least, the matter of recall. I really cannot stress enough the importance of not running away. Particularly, it has to be said, when allowed into the garden for a quick wee. I think even you will agree that cavorting in the street and playing tig amongst the parked cars, though I accept might have had its pleasant aspects as far as you were concerned, carries potential dangers as an activity. What you may not have taken on board, however, is the additional and very specific danger you face should you ever do that to me again. I hope we are quite clear about this.

The final rule therefore, is that you will come to me when I call you. You will absolutely not bugger off into the street and play in the road. Until I am absolutely sure that you have taken this rule to heart, we will continue to employ the 15m training line during any garden time.

So, my little carrotcake, please do think about these rules. Consider them, digest them, and take them to heart.

Fondest regards,

Mummy.