How Broke Are You Now?

[Shawnee123]

No, it does. It's part of how I've been getting through this: knowing that so many people are struggling and I'm not alone is *somehow* comforting. Part of it is too that I never expected to be in this boat again...it hit me out of nowhere. Of course, I will be proactive in the future and get some savings going once I stop drowning, but right now I've got nothing left...not an ounce of hope.

I will be getting a bonus mid-August, which will really help. So I know I still have it better than so many: it just hurts for me, and brings anxiety to me, and wears down every bit of positive energy...leaves me with a constant stomachache.

Thanks Bri. I'm sorry. I just needed to talk about this, and I have no other options. My friends and family irl think I'm jsut a big fuck-up. Which maybe I am. I want to be someone's dumb but loveable housepet. That I would be very good at.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

There is like a glitch in my brain where I am physically ill when I think of calling them to tell them I'm broke and I'm working on it. Though every fiber of my thinking being says "it's how it works, they'll work with you" and though many people have told me the same thing...it's a fear I can't seem to overcome.

Yup. I've managed it. Not boasting, but it just happened one day.
And yet when I was seeing a Psychiatric Nurse who specialised in addiction, with whom I felt safer than I've ever felt in my life, she tried to convince me to call my debtors in her presence. I couldn't. I physically couldn't. Retching and everything.

Today I called one of the (three remaining) debtors to explain I couldn't pay on the previously arranged date but would pay the day after. I even had a laugh with the chap on the phone.

It will come if you keep trying. Remember all the supplicants you deal with yourself.
The people you talk to about your own payments are simply people pulling down a wage, not judging you.

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

I'm so distraught and upset and I can't concentrate on anything at work or in my life. I'm tired of doing it all alone, I'm tired of playing Miss Independent and I'm tired of being strong. The choices seem to be: find a way to get in the crossfire of some gang murder in this armpit of a city, or win the lottery. I can tell you which is most likely.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I have SO been there babba.
Even recently, when trying to apply for a Crisis Loan because I wanted to keep making the payments I've been covering from my days in Leicester - and been covering well and living up to my responsibilities even though I incurred them when I was mentally unstable. Only to have them tell me that I received the services and therefore owed the money (I KNOW!) and the Government should not be expected to pay for services received (it's a LOAN which will be repaid!) and I'll have to find another way to pay my agreed payment schedule despite the fact my benefits were taken away with -2 months notice!

As I side note: to all the attention whores who always remind us how noble they are and the rest of us should be noble like them because they hit the tip jar...

Honestly - I know people don't think like this. They don't. I have personal evidence and you are a valued member of the community. Any organisation dependent on donations has to ask and promote its requests.

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

I'm sorry. I just needed to talk about this, and I have no other options. My friends and family irl think I'm jsut a big fuck-up. Which maybe I am. I want to be someone's dumb but loveable housepet. That I would be very good at.

You're not a fuckup. Yeah, you do fuckup sometimes. What? I'm supposed to sugar the pill? I've fucked up far worse, especially financially.

YOU as a person are not a fuckup.
YOU as a person found a new job, looked out for a fuckup that probably didn't deserve it.
YOU have made some mistakes (heck, you're a Strawberry Queen, it comes with the job description) but I promise things will get better soon. And even if they don't, you won't hate yourself so much about them.

Be nice to yourself darling. At least you didn't have to borrow cat litter off your parents' friend in the same week you attended a West End show you haven't paid your brother for yet....

Love you x

[Shawnee123]

Thanks for all that, Sundae.

As to the tip jar thing: I think bruce and UT and wolf have every right to bump the thread. We know the place doesn't run for free. It's the consistent month after month "look what I did" that doesnt' sit right with me. There are anonymous donors for giant charities who, apparently, believe the giving is not done to be recognized for the giving.

I begrudge nothing to Tony, that was just a side note about how it feels to me when someone is not particularly reminding others to donate if they can, but saying things like "I gave."

You're not a fuckup. Yeah, you do fuckup sometimes. What? I'm supposed to sugar the pill? I've fucked up far worse, especially financially.

YOU as a person are not a fuckup.
YOU as a person found a new job, looked out for a fuckup that probably didn't deserve it.
YOU mave made some mistakes (heck, you're a Strawberry Queen, it comes with the job description) but I promise things will get better soon. And even if they don't, you won't hate yourself so much about them.

Be nice to yourself darling. At least you didn't have to borrow cat litter off your parents' friend in the same week you attended a West End show you haven't paid your brother for yet....

Love you x

I love that! Love you too.

Originally Posted by Glinda

I do feel your pain. I'm in the exact same spot this week. Not enough gas to get to work and not a dime in my pocket. I've already sold everything I have of value that someone might buy. And, although I just found a part-time maid job last week, it only pays $9 hour, and it costs over $8 in gas just to get there and back, AND I won't get paid for two weeks. Won't be able to pay my bills this month - first time ever. FFS.

Heh, I should join the circus the way I've been juggling crap lately.

Originally Posted by Bri

STILL. I have to remember that most of the world lives on less than a dollar a day and only rich people get to eat bread!

I DO still have a roof over my head and food in the house - it may be tube steak instead of porterhouse, but, hey - lots of people don't have clean drinking water....

This isn't meant to 'shame' you or anyone - it's just the process I use to get myself out of a nonproductive funk when I'm in one.

These are the kinds of things I try to remind myself too...was doing pretty good yesterday and this morning, talking myself through it...that getting on line to see my deposit like that broke some carefully packaged anxiety loose.

Thanks all, you're lovely.