Happy Valentine's Day

[Sundae]

I'm a day late, but that's because I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. Didn't wash my undercarriage either so you might want to think twice about muff-diving later.

If you fancy going out we can walk down the Dairy Maid. It's really poshed up now it's a Hungry Horse Pub. Let's see, we can get two meals for £8.49. Of course I usually eat both myself, but fingers crossed you stand outside with all the other smokers and I'll get enough of yours anyway.

The tables aren't cleaned between diners, but I find a sticky surface gives good grip for arm wrestling anyway. That's what I like to do to decide rounds if there isn't any football on the telly. Not what you call football of course. But if we're lucky it'll be a massive clash of the titans and action packed 0-1 like Chelsea against Liverpool last weekend. We won't be able to do much talking then. But I'm sure we can work out some sign language for "My glass is empty! Pint of Stella!"

I might treat you to a packet of pork scratchings to keep your strength up as we walk back. If my parents are out when we get home we can sit and watch a box set of one of my favourite TV series. I'll say all the punchlines before the characters do and stop it to explain why certain bits were really funny, or plot points I think you might have missed.

If my parents are in we'll just have to go and join Diz in my single bed. Don't mind the smell, it's probably just his litter tray. You won't crumple my clothes because I've slept in them twice already. Stops the toast crumbs from sticking to my hoo-ha.

Now don't say I never do nothing for you.