Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 241

monster · 09-29-2010, 10:45 PM

Nirvana · 09-30-2010, 01:48 PM

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,

I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes,
I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

Gravdigr · 10-02-2010, 05:54 PM

Hah!

footfootfoot · 10-04-2010, 08:11 PM

This is one of my favorite Cartoons

GunMaster357 · 10-05-2010, 07:06 AM

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

classicman · 10-08-2010, 10:10 PM

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

morethanpretty · 10-09-2010, 08:03 AM

morethanpretty · 10-10-2010, 11:11 AM

Nirvana · 10-11-2010, 10:17 PM

A mom was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do. He replies 'whatever u do don't f****n spank him!'

spudcon · 10-13-2010, 08:03 PM

•"Obama has a considerable ego." --New Yorker columnist David Remnick

Gravdigr · 10-14-2010, 02:00 AM

.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-14-2010, 02:03 AM

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

classicman · 10-15-2010, 06:14 PM

He said She said ,,,,,,,,

He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ..... You wear underwear don't you?

He said to me ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ..... They don't have time.

He said to me..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ..... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me..... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him ..... They already have boyfriends.

He said.....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said..... A widow.

He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ..... Single women come home, check the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

footfootfoot · 10-18-2010, 09:49 PM

Nice to see you again, tora.

toranokaze · 10-18-2010, 10:09 PM

Quote:

I saw footfootfoot, boy that is HOT. I could hardly stop masturbating.

Good to see you too

09-29-2010, 10:45 PM	#1
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	__________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-30-2010, 01:48 PM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Butt Measurements A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.' With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. 'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!' The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-02-2010, 05:54 PM	#3
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Hah! __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-04-2010, 08:11 PM	#4
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Monster Island This is one of my favorite Cartoons Attached Images __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-08-2010, 10:10 PM	#6
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-05-2010, 07:06 AM	#5
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

10-09-2010, 08:03 AM	#7
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	__________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-10-2010, 11:11 AM	#8
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	__________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-11-2010, 10:17 PM	#9
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A mom was cleaning her son's bedroom & found bondage & fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do. He replies 'whatever u do don't f****n spank him!' __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-13-2010, 08:03 PM	#10
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	•"Obama has a considerable ego." --New Yorker columnist David Remnick __________________ "I believe that being despised by the despicable is as good as being admired by the admirable."

10-14-2010, 02:00 AM	#11
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-14-2010, 02:03 AM	#12
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-15-2010, 06:14 PM	#13
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	He said She said ,,,,,,,, He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him ..... You wear underwear don't you? He said to me ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart. He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him ..... They don't have time. He said to me..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him ..... I don't know; it has never happened. He said to me..... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking? I said to him ..... They already have boyfriends. He said.....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said..... A widow. He said to me..... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him ..... Single women come home, check the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-18-2010, 09:49 PM	#14
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Nice to see you again, tora. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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